Revenge, two sugars, no milk
by Loptr
Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare. McWeir, Sheyla. Warning, this fic is seriously odd, I mean really. Read it and find out what I mean. [Complete]
1. Bostic in a bucket

Revenge, two sugars, no milk.

By Estellio

Rating: Pg-13

Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.

Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee)

Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.

Disclaimer: I own what I own and everything that doesn't belong to me belongs to whoever owns it. Now that covers the legal stuff, onto the fic!

* * *

Major John Sheppard walked down the corridors of Atlantis like a fugitive on the run. The past week had been hell on earth…or, as it were, Atlantis. If he heard one more person singing; "You can leave your hat on." Or made some lame joke like; "Major, can you get me a cup of coffee or do you only do that in your underpants?" Then he was going to take out his gun and shoot himself.

It just wasn't funny anymore, it wasn't funny then! It was just embarrassing. They locked the briefing room and took his clothes leaving him standing half naked in the control tower, swearing before he legged it back to his quarters, red faced and freezing cold. You never really appreciated how cold a place was until you walked around it in your underpants.

Pushing those thoughts aside he quickened his pace further, he was almost at his quarters and no one had spotted him yet. Just turn left and…a loud wolf whistle cut through the air and he turned to see about seven female scientists coming down the corridor.

"We see you Major, shaking that ass, shaking that ass." He forced a smile and all but fled down the corridor, leaping into his room.

"Dammit, dammit, dammit, damn, damn, damn!" He punched his pillow hard several times but it didn't ease his tensions one bit. "I'm so sick of this. This has to stop, it has to stop now. I want my dignity back…not to mention the clothes they stole." He turned over onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Moping wasn't Sheppards style but but laughing it off hadn't helped much either in the last week.

"It was my own fault. Ford had baited me and I fell for it hook line and sinker. He and Teyla probably had it planned, yeah, they were all in on it. Right down to when Rodney walked in instead of Weir who was supposed to walk in because she was alwaysearlier than McKay…No. Now I'm just being paranoid. This wasn't planned…" A whisper of an idea ran through Sheppards mind. He smiled evilly as a plan of his own began to form. One way for everyone to forget about his embarrassing little episode was to create an even funnier one…four funnier ones to be precise. Oh they were going to pay, big time.

**_IOIOIO_**

He was staring…he knew he was staring but he didn't stop…in fact…he stared harder…and scowled a little.

"Rodney? Rodney? Are you even listening to me?" Rodney turned to face Radek Zelenka who was looking at him quizzically. "You zoned out Rodney." Rodney shrugged at the scruffy scientist sitting across the console at him.

"I was thinking. Am I not allowed do that now?" Radek raised and eyebrow but just pushed his glasses back up his nose and resumed speaking. It took McKay three seconds to completely zone out again and resume watching Weir. She was across the control room talking with Sergeant Bates. She was smiling, god she was beautiful when she smiled, god she was beautiful when she didn't smile…god she was beautiful.

Her laughter suddenly cut through the air, bubbly and light. He thought he could float away on it, it sounded so good but he found himself scowling harder at Sgt. Bates. He had never realised how much he hated the guy before now…This was stupid. He couldn't hate him just because he made her laugh….oh but he could hate him for that. Bates had pulled up his jumper to show her something on his stomach, she bent down, looking concerned and talking to Bates all the while. Bates just shrugged and pulled his jumper back down. Rodney scowled harder.

_'Why doesn't she examine my tummy okay. Stupid thought. I wouldn't want her too. This is stupid jealousy, far beneath a man of my intelligence. You're still dwelling on the silly little kiss. It was just a dare. Just a dare in a stupid game because of that juvinile Ford. She doesn't feel anything for you and you don t for her Rodney. So pull yourself together, you've managed around her fine up until now. Get a grip McKay, you're not a teenager. She s your superior, even if she wanted for something to happen it couldn't. There are regs aren't there? Well for the military personnel maybe, but she s a civilian NO! THERE ARE RULES! YOU CANNOT DATE YOUR SEXY BOSS! NO! THAT S A RULE! Albeit an unwritten one but one nonetheless. Pull yourself together, pull yourself together.'_

"RODNEY! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN!" He turned to face a now standing and annoyed looking Zelenka. "That is the fifth time you've done that. I called you three times and you were lost in…la la land!" He quietened his voice a bit. "Is everything alright, Rodney? Do you want to take a break?" Rodney shook his head.

"I'm just having a little trouble concentrating, that's all. You were saying something about the naquadah generators?" Zelenka's eyes widened.

"Rodney…are you sure you don't want to go see Dr. Beckett or something? I mean, have you been getting enough sleep?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I was talking to you about naquadah generators yesterday, Rodney. I'm talking about long-range sensors now. I have been all morning with very little input from you. You've been keeping to monosyllable words all day and that is when you're not just grunting or nodding." McKay shook his head tiredly.

"You know…I think I'm needed in the labs." Radek caught Rodney's wrist as he got up.

"That's it, you're coming with me." The Czech scientist pulled Rodney out of the control causing a lot of strange looks to follow them. It wasn't often that McKay went quitely anywhere.

"Zelenka, where are you taking me, Radek? Radek!" Rodney was unceremoniously pushed inside a small room and directed to a chair with some very impolite shoving.

"Sit!" Zelenka commanded.

"What am I? A dog?" Rodney snapped, sitting anyway. Looking around the room he realised this must be Radek's quarters. The place was a mess of clothes, wires and cd's. More of a nest than a room. "Hey, how come your room is so much closer to the control room than mine?" Rodney's eyes were drawn to a bright pink bra draped across a pile dvd's, so either Radek was a cross dresser or he had female company last night. Rodney grinned and looked up at the Czech who was handing him a cup of steaming coffee. He now had the most bizarre image in his head ever and it didn't even occur to him to be disturbed that images of a scantily clad Weir were replaced by a scrawny, hairy Czech in drag.

"Thanks." Rodney mumbled, still grinning too much to pry.

"Rodney, can we talk?" Radek asked dourly, pulling a chair up in front of Rodney. He straddled it, his arms resting on the back of the chair, cradling his own cup with that permenantly worried looked focused on the Canadian in front of him.

"About what, why did you drag me here?" Rodney mumbled into his cup, thoroughly unhappy at being here.

"The real question is…why did you let me drag you here?"

"What?" Radek took off his glasses and placed them on a low table near them. He rubbed his eyes wearily, ignoring Rodney completely for a few moments.

"Rodney, I have known you long enough to know that if you did not want to come then you would not have come and I also know you hate being dragged around and you hate being interrupted. For the last week you have been some sort of…ghost…of your former self."

"You were going to say wraith there, weren't you."

"Rodney! FOCUS!" You have had the attention span of a..." He struggled to find a word. "Tomato, which isn't like you. You haven't snapped at anyone at all which is in itself quite quite worrying. We're all getting worried." He paused, squinting at Rodney as if trying to gauge how far he could pursue this. "There has been talk of the L word."

"The L word?" Rodney asked, not catching on. He raised the mug to his nose and took a deep whiff of the coffee, slowly waking himself.

"Yes…the L word. A word not associated normally with Rodney McKay. You've been…dreamy…lately. You stare off into space for hours, smile at nothing, half finish thoughts and sigh. You are sighing quite a bit lately. All these are symptoms."

"Symptoms of what? Radek you are making very little sense even for you." Snapped Rodney, forgetting the coffee he had been so focused on before.

"It's quite obvious to everyone, Rodney. More so to me because I'm around you a lot."

"Get to the point, I've work to do." It took effort to keep his tone brusque, he could see where this conversation was going now and didn't like it one bit.

"Rodney, you're obviously in love with Dr. Weir." Radek sat very still for several moments after Rodney had spat his coffee on him. "That was...disgusting." The Czech said, grabbing a nearby t-shirt and wiping his face with it.

"WHAT! WHO THINKS I'M IN LOVE WITH DR. WEIR! THAT'S PREPOSTEROUS! CRAZY EVEN! WHO'S BEEN SAYING THESE THINGS! IT'S NOT TRUE! THE KISS MEANT NOTHING! NOTHING!" Rodney shouted, leaping to his feet. He paused when he realised Radek was staring at him.

"The kiss." He said slowly, as if not sure he had heard correctly. "You kissed Dr. Weir?"

"I don't have to stand here and listen to this, get out!"

"Rodney…"

"GET OUT!"

"RODNEY! GET A GRIP!" Zelenka slapped him hard across the face, Rodney was sent reeling. He lay, clinging to the wardrobe for several moments.

"You…you hit me!" He said incredulously, touching his tender cheek.

"Trust me, Rodney. You needed it. You can't keep running from your feelings. You are going to have to face up to them. Talk to her." Rodney looked up, his eyes wide.

"No, no I can't do that." He said quietly, defeated almost. "You can't ask me to do that. She's one of the only people here on Atlantis I can truly call a friend. I can't ruin that with unrequited feelings." He shook his head slowly. "We're done here, Radek, we're done." Rodney moved to leave but the door opened to reveal a young blonde woman.

"Radek I left my br…uh…hello Dr. McKay." The woman went bright red as she realised it was Rodney and not Radek who had answered the door and looked as if she believed running might be a good option.

So not a cross dresser after all. Rodney thought humorously as he walked out passed them and Zelenka let the woman in.

He made a bee-line for his personal lab, he needed some time to think, and for the redness on his cheek to die down.

"Hello Rodney." He turned to see a whistling Major Sheppard who was entirely too happy for Rodney's present mood.

"What are you so happy about?" Rodney asked moodily without slowing his pace.

"Oh the sky is blue, the sun is shining and the birds are singing in the trees. Its days like these that make you happy to be alive, eh Rodney? I mean, what can be better than pink dye, bostic and a little bit of wire, all in a bucket ready for use."

"Yeah, what?" Rodney grumbled ducking into his lab. Thankfully, the Major didn't follow and it didn't dawn on Rodney what Sheppard had said for several days.

* * *

A/N: Just a short little prologue to spike your interest, I know it's a little angsty but this is probably the only chapter that will be. You asked for a sequel, you asked for revenge and you asked for the whereabouts of Major Sheppard's clothes and I was compelled to comply. All will be revealed and just in case you didn't know, Bostic is a type of glue. It dries rock solid in a matter of minutes, add pink dye and wire into the equation and…Mwahahaha. Oh, and no, I don't think Zelenka's a cross dresser, this is just one of those weird idea's that tumbles around in my head like underpants in a tumble drier.


	2. Payback

Revenge, two sugars, no milk.

By Estellio

Rating: Pg-13

Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.

Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee) and underpants abuse.

Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.

Response to reviews I got on this fic and Truth or Dare (Just scroll down if you haen't reveiwed)

**PentagonMerlin**: If you're refering to the word 'snog' then it's not just British Slang, it's Irish too : ) I'm Irish so I use a lot of what you'd call British slang in my everyday language. Can't help it, sorry I thought it was pretty commonly known but I'll keep it in mind and tone it down in the future.

**Orka**: Rodney nicked his clothes and shame on you, you should be doing your homework, not reading fanfiction. (Don't worry,I do the exact same thing.)

**Dana-Carter**: You know damn well where I got the idea because you were there when we were playing Truth or Dare and you were there when I said it would make a funny fanfic. So from now on this fic is dedicated to you and your teasing...And Gevaden because he was there at the time too and usually reviews my fics without reading them just to make me feel better.

**SnkNJak:** Yes, that was a lovely image. I have the picture from the episode where they thought they were home. The one of McKay in his undies, that's what sparked that idea off. I know I should have gotten Ford to do something but I just didn't know what. Don't worry, there's a lot of Ford in this Chappie.

**Peanut** : No, no begging required :D. Well...unless you want to.

By the way, thanks to EVERYONE who's reviewed so far. Apreciate it.

* * *

When Sheppard sauntered into sickbay with a large grin on his face, Carson immediately expected foul play.

"Alrigh' Major. How 'ave you injured McKay this time?" Sheppard snorted.

"Oh, that's nice. Just because a guy's happy doesn't mean he's gone and done anything to McKay…but now that you mention it." Carson rolled his eyes as he put down the chart he was reading.

"Will I need ta treat him?"

"Oh, no. I just proved that he is as thick as two planks. I mean, I reveal my nefarious plot to him and he doesn't even catch on. Ah well, his own loss, smartest man in the Galaxy my eye. Now, can I talk to you a minute?"

"Sure, why not, I ain't got nothing ta do now anyway." Sheppard nodded and sat opposite Beckett's desk.

"Well…the thing is Doc…I know I'm probably the last person you'd expect to come to you for help but…the thing is…I…well…I have had a little trouble sleeping lately and I was wondering if you had anything to help. Nothing that would knock me out for days. Just a few hours. As the head military officer, I'm the last person who can miss sleep so…" Beckett nodded understandingly.

"Ah, of course Major. I've just the thing." Beckett walked quickly into the nearby store room and rummaged around for a few moments. "Ya know, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Major. You've been under a lot of stress lately an' Atlantis can be an intimdatin' place." Sheppard resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he took the small bottle eagerly off Beckett.

"Yeah, I suppose. Uh…Doc?"

"Aye?"

"I…really…don't like the taste of medicine. It makes me sick, figuratively speaking. I was wondering if I could dilute this, maybe put it in with milk or ice cream or coffee or something." Beckett raised an eyebrow.

"Aye…I suppose ya could if ya really wanted. I wouldnae recommend it though. It wont work as well."

"Right…well…what dosage?"

"Well, like I was gonna tell you, you take a teaspoon of the Fenigren but I suppose if ya wanted to dilute it in a glass of milk ya better stir in a desert spoon of it. It'll give the milk a bit of a funny sweet taste, mind you." Sheppard beamed at him.

"Alright then, that's okay. I'll get back to you on the sleep thing." Sheppard said walking away.

"Major, don't take more than a desert spoon or two and a half tea spoons of the Fenigren. Otherwise there'll be side effects like fainting, headaches, dizziness and severe abdominal cramps."

"Whatever Carson!" He called behind him, grinning madly. Everything was falling into place so nicely, he had everything he needed to begin Operation Pay Back.

"Good Morning Major." Sheppard looked over at Teyla who had fallen into step behind him.

"Oh, hey Teyla. What's up?" She smiled at him pleasantly.

"A baby girl was born to a friend of mine on the mainland. They are calling her Alanesh in honour of Alron and Tenesh who died in our last battle with the Wraith." Sheppard nodded as he surreptitiously slid the bottle into his pants pocket.

"That's nice. Are you going to the mainland to visit them?"

"I plan to, soon. There is much happening on the mainland, or so I hear…Perhaps you would like to accompany me over tomorrow. I plan on bringing gifts to Jobasha and his wife as well as visit a few of my friends whom I have not had the time to socialise with. I heard that Dr. Beckett is after getting…friendly…with one of the locals." At this Sheppard raised an eyebrow.

"Oh really, why that sly devil…and here was me thinking he was just a plain ol' country Doctor." Teyla smiled as they approached their quarters.

"He makes regular trips to the mainland to deliver medical assistance, apparently, when Yolan fell ill and Dr. Beckett went over to treat him, he got on good terms with Yolan's daughter, Valayna." Sheppard nodded slowly, stopping at his door.

"I see, anyway, I've had a really long day. I plan on turning in early. You're welcome to join me if you like." Sheppard grinned cheekily at Teyla who just shook her head.

"I would be honoured but unfortunately I must decline, I have made a previous engagement with Doctor Weir."

"Oh really," Sheppard asked, feigning hurt. "Well. I see, if that's how you feel." He slid inside his quarters with his head held high in mock indignation. It was only once he was inside he mulled over Teyla's words.

_She's be honoured to? I know she said she found no undesirable qualities but she's never shown anything but a desire for friendship before...maybe I just haven't been looking for the right signals? I'll think about this later, right now I've got a Aiden to deal with…  
_  
**_IOIOIO_  
**  
An hour later

"You wanted to see me?" Dr. Weir looked up from her paper work to see Major Sheppard standing in the doorway, his hands jammed into his pockets..

"Oh yes, John, come in." Weir gestured to the chair in front of her quickly before folding her hands in front of her, her eyes narrowing and her 'headmistress' face set in place.

"Uhoh, what I have I done?" He asked sitting down.

"Yesterday was the deadline for your reports, Major. Even Rodney got them in before you and you know how he is with paperwork." Sheppard sunk lower in his chair.

"Uh, about that. I couldn't have another…uh…week. Could I?"

"Week? Have you done them at all?"

"Well…" John drawled, biting his lip. "In short…no. I've been a little distracted, what with having to hide every time I have to go from room to room." Weir raised an eyebrow and opened her mouth as if to comment but suddenly she smiled as realisation dawned.

"Oh, that still hasn't died down, has it?" She stifled a laugh behind her hand. "Well…in that case, you have your week, but I want those reports on my desk, this time, next Wednesday. Alright?" With a smile, he nodded, getting up. As he left for the door, Weir noticed something.

"Major Sheppard?" He turned around, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah?"

"Could you…take your hands out of your pockets for me?" John paled slightly.

"Uh…why?"

"Major, you haven't taken them out once, and it must be very awkward to sit down and get up without removing your hands…I want to know why you kept them in there, it's obvious you're hiding something."

"No I'm not. Is it just me or are you getting a little paranoid. Perhaps you should take a break, a trip to the mainland maybe, or wait. There's this nice planet we found, lots of waterfalls and rock pools and greenery. It's lovely, you'd like it. Ford called it Sprinkle World"

"Major." She said, rising slowly, her 'don't mess with me' fixed firmly in place. "Remove your hands from your pockets." Swallowing hard, Sheppard removed his everything Weir expected to see, that wasn't it.

"Oh my god, what did you do?"

Before Sheppard could reply Zelenka burst into her room.

"Doctor I must…Holy Hannah what did you do to your hands?" Sheppard scowled at the scruffy scientist, jamming his hands back into his pockets.

"I had a little accident. That's all."

"With what? A hedgehog?" Sheppard grimaced.

"Yes, I played volley ball with a porcupine…" He said sarcastically, examining his spotted hands. Tiny spots of red dotted his fingers and the back of his hand as if he had been stabbed with a thousand tiny needles. A few on his thumb were still bleeding so he put it in his mouth, trying to stem the flow.

"What happened Major?" Weir asked, suspecting more than she let on.

"I had a little trouble while sewing, that's all."

"SEWING?" Both Zelenka and Weir exclaimed at the exact same time.

"You were sewing?" Radek chuckled and got a dark look shot at him from Sheppard.

"I'd like to see you do better, Slinky."

"The name is Zelenka and please, I had five sisters. I can sew, bake, brush and burp a baby simultaneously."

"Really, that's quite cool." Zelenka shrugged.

"Dr. Weir, Rodney wants you to come down to Lab Four immediately. We think ve have found a sort of translator." Dr. Weir immediately rose and left but as Dr. Zelenka was about to leave, Sheppard grabbed his arm.

"Hold up, Slinky. Can you sew? Really?" He asked. Radek sighed.

"Yes, why? I'm not going to do your darning for you." Sheppard smiled.

"You can sew…but can you keep a secret?" Radek looked him up and down suspiciously, Sheppard's smirk was enough to let Radek know whatever this was going to be, it was going to be fun.

"Whatever it is…I'm in."

**_IOIOIO_**

"You've got to be kidding me." Zelenka threw himself back on the bed, shaking in laughter and babbling in Czech. "You're doing WHAT!"

"Like I said, it's very simple. All you have to do is attach this wire to the seat of Ford's pants then sew on this specially made pink underpants with little red hearts on it." Zelenka began to laugh even harder, putting his hands on his stomach and wheezing.

"Alright, alright, I'll do it but run me through why I am and what you are doing first?" Sheppard took a deep breath.

"Listen, it's Ford's fault I got into this mess. He started the stupid game of truth or dare that caused me to run through the halls in my underpants. So I'm going to get him back. Well…get him back first." Zelenka took of his glasses and wiped a tear from his eyes.

"Uh Huh. Now, I understand that but what do you need this for?" He gestured to the wire and the badly dyed pink underpants."It's a bit...extravagant."

"Listen, to get back at him I'm going to show everyone his underpants. But Ford is very boring. He just has all plain army issue skivvies. Well that and a pair of Superman boxers but that looked sorta cool so I made these." He held up the pink white fronts. "I just dyed a pair of tidy whiteys, now he's not going to put these on of his own free will and short of sneaking into his quarters and putting them on him myself which, for the record, I will not do, I see no other way of getting them on."

"Why do you need the wire?"

"You see, I plan on having him sit on a chair coated with bostic." At this Zelenka began to laugh hysterically again, having to remove his glasses and wipe his eyes. "AND THEN!" Sheppard shouted, trying to get the attention of the scientist. "WHEN HE GETS UP!" Zelenka quietened though he was still shaking with silent laughter. "Rrrrrrrriiiiip, and then his lovely pink bum is shown to the world. I need the wire to separate the pants from the underpants so that if the Bostic seeps through it wont matter as much. Now, can you do it or not?"

"Da. I can. I can't even imagine how you came up with this but I can." He took his glasses off to wipe his eyes agian. "But one question. What are you doing to Rodney, Teyla and Doctor Weir? I assume they are the other involved parties." .

"I haven't thought that far. Honestly, I haven't a clue what to do to the girls but I'll think of something for Rodney." Sheppard said as he shrugged. Zelenka was grinning. "What?"

"Did you know that Rodney sings in the shower?"

"No…how do you know that?" He asked suspiciously.

"We worked together briefly in Antarctica. An accident saw Rodney's shower broken and Rodney got covered from head to toe in motor oil that day and…qell…I said he could use mine. When I came back from the labs I heard a very odd, slightly off key version of the song, David Duchovony. Do you know it?"

"Isn't that a song about a girl who is in love with that guy from Xfiles?" He guessed. Zelenka nodded grinning.

"One of the lab hands had been singing it earlier, our music collection was quite limited."

"Why are you telling me this anyway?" Sheppard asked, grinning. He might have underestimated this mild mannered physicist.

"We could...attach a radio to his shower ceiling and broadcast it to all the operational headsets. After screening it first, of course but the delay would be minimal. 10 seconds at the most" Zelenka smiled, Sheppard grinned, a plan was born.

"I like your thinking, Selinky. I like it a lot, slightly disturbed by it but hey. Still doesn't answer the question about what to do with Teyla and Weir though."

"We'll cross that bridge when and if we come to it. I don't know about you but Elizabeth is not the kind of woman I'd like to annoy. Now, how do you plan on getting the Lieutenant's pants and getting him to sit in Bostic. It vould have to be in an conspicuous place like the canteen or something." Sheppard grinned and retrieved the bottle in his pocket. Radek squinted at it, trying to read the label. "Fenigren? My mother used to give me that to put me to sleep when I was on an aeroplane, it tastes lovely actually." Sheppard shrugged.

"Well, I spink it should be able to put our adorable little Ford to sleep for a few hours, what do you think?"

"Definitely…but what does 'spink' mean?"

"Nevermind. Now. It's nearly ten O Clock, time for Lt. Ford's nap. Don't you agree?"

_**IOIOIO**_

"Three Aces." Sergeant Bates put down his cards on the table and grinned evilly.

"Hold on." Dr. Hikari smiled as she put down her hand. "Four Kings and the other ace." Sergeant Bates looked at her hand and grimaced.

"Fine." He growled, taking off his shirt and tossing it on the table with the rest of the clothes. He was now down to his pants and socks, he was in better condition that Private Kelly who was in his underpants and praying he'd win the next hand.

"Ford, your deal." The young Lieutenant took the deck and cut the cards three times before dealing out everyone's hands. There was a few groans and grumbles and Private Kelly looked positively terrified.

"Okay, Kelly, you want any cards?" The young Private swallowed.

"Four." He said, tossing most of his cards away.

"Alright." Ford dealt him four and turned to the young Japanese Scientist. "Faye?"

"Just one, Lieutenant." She said, scooping up the card he threw her and grimacing. Poker wasn't her strong point.

"Bates?"

"Two." The Sergeant grumbled, surveying his cards with disdain.

"How about you Jean?" The blonde Lieutenant shook her head, shivering slightly in the cold. She was down to her underwear and Ford knew that after this round she was going to pull out.  
_  
They really need to work on their poker faces_, Ford thought, _Especially Faye since I can see her cards in the reflection of her glasses._

He smiled broadly as everyone nodded that they were in. There was no way they could beat this hand. Nothing short of a Royal Flush could beat this hand.

"Uh…A pair of nines." Kelly said, putting down his cards.

"A pair of Jacks and a pair of tens" Faye said, showing her hand.

"Sweet feck all." Bates said, tossing down his cards.

"A…" Jean began but when she looked up she froze, half torn between standing, saluting and hiding her legs.

"Uh...Major?" Bates and Ford immediately snapped to attention when Sheppard came into view.

"At ease…hey, are ye playing strip poker without me? You should be ashamed, are my legs not good enough?"

"Sorry Sir, if I'd have known then…" Ford began but stopped when Sheppard put down a glass of milk in front of him

"What you got, Ford?" He asked. Ford showed him his cards.

"Oh, that's good…but I think play time is over. I came to tell you that we have an early mission in the morning. Kinda emergency scheduled so you better head to bed."

"But Sir! I!" He somehow didn't think that the excuse 'I'm this close to seeing Jean's chest' would cut the mustard this time.

"No buts, come on Lieutenant."

"But…but…Jean." He whispered. "She's down to her underwear and I can sooo beat her."

"Lieutenant! Keep that libido in check." Sheppard warned, steering him out of his chair and snatching up his glass of milk.

"SIR! FIVE MINUTES! PLEASE! PLEASE, I BEG YOU!"

"Now, now, Lieutenant. The early bird, gets the worm. Off with you to bed." Sheppard grabbed Ford's boots off the table and handed them to him.

"PLEASE!" With a small shove he was pushed out the door.

"Royal flush!" Jean said, grinning madly and putting down her cards. What did Ford have?" Kelly peaked under the face down cards.

"You beat it." She smiled.

"Kelly…Off with your underpants." The Private went white.

**_IOIOIO_**

Lt. Ford sulked all the way to his quarters, his boots in hand.

"Don't be so sour, Ford. Here, have a glass of milk." Sheppard shoved the glass of milk into Ford's hand and grinned to himself.  
'Too easy' Sheppard thought, grinning to himself.

"No…thank you, Sir."

"Come on, Ford. Growing lad like you needs to keep them bones strong. Plus, it'll help you sleep better."

"I'm alright, Sir." Ford realised he was sulking but he felt justified after being denied the beauty that was Lt Jean Markers

"Don't make me make it an order…" Sheppard warned, surprised at the ease he was keeping a straight face. With a sigh, Ford drank it all in one go. He pulled a face.

"Had a bit of a sweet taste to it, what else was in it?" Sheppard feigned confusion.

"Honey, helps you sleep."

"Never mind, Sir. I'll just turn in now." Ford keyed open his door, oblivious to the fact that Sheppard was watching him type in the code

_'4961792. Gottit…'_

"Night, Sir."

"Night, Ford." Sheppard grinned evilly at the Lieutenant's back.

He waited outside for fifteen minutes. That's how long Zelenka said it would take for it to take effect and for Ford to be conked out. He walked up to the door and listened, he couldn't hear anything so he keyed in the code. Entering he found Ford fast asleep and snoring loudly. Resisting the urge to giggle like a little school girl, Sheppard tip toed over to the chair where Ford had thrown his clothes and gently pulled the pants from the back of the chair. A boot fell…

It made a loud THUD but Ford didn't even stir. Sheppard stood stock still for several minutes and breathed a sigh of relief before tip toeing out of the quarters and running to his quarters where Zelenka was waiting with his sewing kit.

"You ready?" Zelenka smiled and took the pants off him.

"You are a very wicked man, Major Sheppard."

"And you're the devils helper, now sew, woman." Zelenka shot him a warning look and got to work.

_**IOIOIO**_

Fruitloops, you either loved them, or you hated them…Major Sheppard hated them. There had been an accident when he was twelve that led to him chocking on a fruit loop and passing out before a football game. He was teased to this very day about it so Fruitloops and Major Sheppard did not mix well.

"What's wrong Sir?" Ford asked as he moved down the line.

"Nothing, I just don't like Fruitloops that much."

"WHAT! How can you not love Fruitloops." The young man was incredulous.

"Long story. Let's get a seat." Sheppard looked around for Zelenka who was sitting a table in the middle of the room.

Smart man. Sheppard thought.

"Come on, I have to talk to Zelenka about something." Sheppard weaved his way through the tables with Ford in tow and gestured for him to sit next to Zelenka while Sheppard sat across from him. It was a small table, only designed to sit four so it wasn't hard to guess which one was glued. Zelenka smiled at him and winked. Sheppard resisted the urge to wink back in case it alerted the soon to be red-faced Lt.

"So, Zelenka. Do you have the preliminary report on that artefact we brought back on our last mission." Zelenka handed him a file and began to talk, top speed in techno babble. Sheppard nodded, pretending to listen and understand when he was actually counting the eighty seconds needed to glue the Lieutenant's backside to the chair.

"And of course, the alloy used to coat it is incredibly durable and very, very dry." The emphasis on the word dry was the key and Sheppard smiled.

"Interesting. What uses can it have in Atlantis."

"Why, that is asking a broad question. I believe…" He launched into Techno babble again as Ford shovelled in his Fruitloops. When the Major was sure he was done Sheppard rose.

"I'm afraid I have to stop you there, Zelenka, we've a briefing to get to."

"Oh, of course, I understand." Radek said, nodding solemnly. "I have my own research to get back to."

"Come on Ford." Sheppard said, walking away. Ford leapt to his feet with the most satisfying RRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPP! That Sheppard had ever heard. It drew the attention of the entire hall and Ford froze, his face paling from his usual chocolate brown to the colour of milky tea.

"Ford, turn around." The young Lieutenant turned. The look of abject horror on his face. Two bright pink cheeks with a red heart on each peaked out at Major Sheppard and Ford fled as the cafeteria burst out laughing with several of the women cat-calling and wolf-whistling.

"Mission accomplished." Zelenka said, laughing.

"Stage One, accomplished. On to stage two - Operation Maple Syrup." Sheppard whispered conspirtorially, enjoying himself far too much. Zelenka grinned evilly.

"Don't you have a briefing to get to?"

"Naw, I'm just going to hand in my reports to Weir. I was so excited that I couldn't sleep last night so I did them. Well…most of them. Plus, I've got to paint a walky-talky yellow and get selotape somewhere." Sheppard disposed of his tray and left the cafeteria.


	3. Think Like Sheppard

Revenge, two sugars, no milk.

By Estellio

Rating: Pg-13

Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.

Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee) and abuse of Rodney's behind. (poor Rodney) Also, there is only so many ways you can say the word Butt. I'm sorry.

Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.

A/N: Thanks to some abusive mail from Orka Glares I've finally finished this chapter. I'd been humming and hawing over posting it because I didn't really like the first 2 pages but ah well. Hope you enjoy this one and don't forget to review. It makes me post faster (Hint, hint, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, bribe, bribe.)

* * *

"Rodney! RODNEY! Come out of there right now! I know you are avoiding me! I am sick of this childishness, you are a grown man! Come out before I...I...break this door down!" Zelenka shouted, banging his fist on the door. After a short pause the door to the bathroom slid open to reveal a scowling Rodney.

"Can't I even go to the bathroom anymore?" He asked angrily.

"Rodney, do you have some kind of serious bowl problem that forces you to go to the bathroom every five minutes? Because that is the only reason I can think of for you to...to...duck into the nearest bathroom every time I see you." Rodney scowled even harder.

"Stalking is considered a crime you know." He snarled, turning away. Zelenka grabbed Rodney's arm and began to drag him down the hallway. Unlike the last time he tried this, Rodney pulled out of his grasp.

"Let me go, Radek. I've work to do."

"And I have work for you to do. I've been trying to get hold of you for the last six hours." Zelenka said, using every ounce of control he had not to shout. "Rodney! I do not give a rats arse about your personal life during work hours so just get down to Lab Eight so I can show you what I've found. Now, if you want to run into a bathroom and hide from…whatever it was you're hiding from, then fine but NOT on my time." Rodney had turned bright red and was shaking with rage. His mouth was set in a slightly lopsided, thin line and it looked as if he was about to take a swing at Zelenka.

"Hello boys." Both the scientists turned to see Dr. Weir walking towards them with a wide smile. "Dr. McKay, can I have a word with you a moment." In a bizarre twist of fate, Rodney had gone instantly from bright red to snow white.

"Uh. Actually I was just on my way to the Lab with Dr. Zelenka. It's kinda important so can it wait?" Weir frowned slightly.

"Uh…yeah…sure." She said. Zelenka looked between Rodney and Elizabeth, if he didn't act now then this was only going to get worse.

"Actually, Rodney. It won't be ready to test until it powers up and that'll take about...I suppose another twenty minutes. So why don't you and Dr. Weir head down to the lab together. I was planning on grabbing a late lunch anyway." Radek smiled innocently at Rodney and went to leave.

"But…but what about that…thing…in the…thing…" Rodney pleaded.

"Oh don't worry. I said I'd let Lt. Ford name it." With that he left. McKay panicked, he knew exactly what she wanted to talk about.

"Elizabeth, so, you wanted to talk?" He said, setting a brisk pace toward Lab Eight.

"Uh. Yes, Rodney. It's about Major Sheppard." McKay paused, Major Sheppard? Why would she want to talk to him about Sheppard?

"What's wrong with him? If it's about that loose screw he has then I'm afraid I only deal with the mechanical kind." He chuckled at his own little joke and slowed his step so that Elizabeth could keep up more easily.

"Uh…no. It's got nothing to do with his mechanics. Has he seemed a little…I don't know…off? To you lately?" Rodney shrugged.

"I can never tell when he's on, never mind off."

"Rodney!" She said in a warning tone. "I'm being serious. He's been really…Well…I can't explain it. He hasn't been sleeping well, he doesn't eat in the cafeteria and he's always in his room during the day and creeping around at night. He handed me his reports this morning, he typed them up and used spell check. Rodney, doesn't that strike you as odd?" Rodney stopped walking.

"It does, actually. How do you know he isn't sleeping well?" Rodney asked with genuine curiosity and more than a hint of jealousy.

"He didn't have his reports done last night and yet he handed them into me this morning, perfectly typed up. I assumed he spent all night typing them up. Now, can you see how I find that odd?"

"Yeah, I didn't think he could use a computer…KIDDING! Kidding! Jeese, a guy can't even make a joke. What do you want me to do about it? Drug him?" Elizabeth rolled her eyes and leant against the wall.

"Could you have a word with him for me?" She asked.

"WHAT! Me? Why me?" Elizabeth rolled her eyes again.

"Well…I've already tried talking to him to no avail and...well…you're a guy." Rodney raised an eyebrow and mimicked her pose against the opposite wall.

"I hadn't failed to notice the fact, but what does that have to do with anything?" Elizabeth shrugged.

"Use your head, Rodney. Girls feel more comfortable talking with girls so I presume the guys feel more comfortable talking with guys. If he has a problem then a male friend would be more approachable…"

"Actually, guys don't talk to other guys. They get all macho. Guys have this one girl, usually their mothers, whom they tell everything to. I'm the last person he'd go to with his troubles, trust me. You'd be better off getting Lt. Ford to talk with him."

"I tried, but he refuses to speak to Sheppard after what happened in the Cafeteria this morning. He seems to think that John had something to do with it. Him and Zelenka."

"Talk about paranoid. I suppose it was a little suspicious that there was glue on the seat but that story about the underpants not being his and about them being sewn in by Major Sheppard, ha! It's laughable at best. Not to mention the fact that an alliance between Zelenka and Sheppard is so far fetched I'd sooner think that Halling went square dancing with a Wraith." Rodney said as he rolled his eyes.

"Now that conjures up an interesting picture, why don't you think they'd work together?" At that Rodney harrumphed loudly.

"Please, Zelenka can't stand military types. Sheppard would drive him crazy within a few minutes, hence why they have never exchanged more than monosyllabic conversation. Sheppard probably doesn't even know his first name." Elizabeth paused.

"…Radek, right?"

"Well I like to call him Pollyanna but it says Radek on his record."

"…You've never really called him that have you?" She asked, smirking. Rodney tried to not focus on her face, frantically pushing any illicit thoughts away.

"Once or twice, I mean come on, the guy should wear his hair in pig tails he's so bloody optimistic."

"What has pigtails got to do with optimism?" Rodney shrugged and pushed off the wall, stretching his back.

"Alright, I'll talk with Sheppard when I get the chance. But I'm telling you, if you want to know what's going on in Shep's head then Teyla's the girl to go to." Elizabeth straightened with a small sigh.

"She's gone over to the mainland for the week since you've no missions. It's an unofficial downtime." She explained.

"Speaking of time, I better get down to the lab to have a look at whatever Polly was on about." Elizabeth muffled a laugh.

"You know, if he hears you calling him that…"

"I know, I know. Anything else?" He asked, already beginning to walk away.

"Actually, Rodney…When you're done at the lab I need to have a word with you in private." Rodney paled and swallowed around the lump that had formed in his throat.

"Uh, sure, what about? 'Cause I was going to clock off and grab some lunch after I was done." He asked, still not turning around to face her.

"I'll meet you in the cafeteria then, half four sound good?"

"Uh…yeah. Sure, it's a date." Elizabeth nodded and walked away. Rodney immediately began to smack his own forehead.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid. For the smartest man in the galaxy I sure know how to put my foot in my mouth. It's sooo not a date and I sounded a right idiot. Uh yeah, sure." He mumbled to himself angrily all the way down to the lab.

**_IOIOIO_**

Meanwhile, in the Jumper Bay…

"Teyla? What are you doing?" John asked, entering the jumper bay. Teyla finished loading the crate onto the back of the Puddle Jumper and turned to John.

"I'm loading a crate."

"Well I can see that, smarty pants."

"I do not believe my pants is above the average intelligence quota for material." She said, smiling slightly.

"Oh ha ha, you're killing me?"

"I am, I apologise."

"Alright, this could go on all day, just tell me, what's in the crate?" John asked, poking at the top. Teyla smiled back at John as she sat herself into the Puddle Jumper.

"Presents for some friends."

"Some?" John asked, exasperated. "I could fit a Ferris Wheel into that box of yours."

"Only if it were a rather small one, Major." Teyla smiled as he powered up the Jumper.

"I saw that crate, Teyla, what's in there? A full line of the Chippendales for your girl friends?" He was met with a blank look from Teyla.

"Chippendales?"

"Uh…bunch of men…they uh…Ask Doctor Weir, I'm sure she'd love to tell you."

"I shall make it a point to do so…" She turned her attention to the view of the water that stretched on before them. The sun glinted off its surface as if it were blue velvet scattered with diamonds. The sea was unusually calm today, unlike Teyla, who fidgeted constantly in her seat.

"Teyla? You alright?" Sheppard asked, not taking his eyes from the spectacular view before him.

"…Major?"

"Uh huh?"

"Do you have anything planned for today?" Sheppard paused a moment and ran over the checklist in his head.

A) Get Breakfast…Done.

B) Embarrass the hell out Ford…Done.

C) Hand in reports to Weir…Done.

D) Have Shower…Done.

E) Work out the new Rotas with Bates…Done.

F) Drive Teyla over to Mainland…doing.

G) Check if walky-talky is dry. If so proceed to H.

H) Tape Walky-talky to Rodney's ceiling.

I) Give Zelenka the go ahead to cover Rodney in gunk.

J) Laugh my ass off while Zelenka wires the singing through the headsets.

K) Figure out how to prank Teyla and Weir.

L) Get Dinner.

M) Find a way to get into Bate's poker nights.

N) Taunt McKay.

O) Laugh about what I did to McKay some more.

P) Go to bed and read my book.

Q) Dream…preferably R rated and involving...let's not go there.

"Yeah, I got a few tings to do. Why?" He smirked at his own reflection as he though of the look on Rodney's face after he'd figure out what happened.

"Oh…it is nothing. Do not trouble yourself." Sheppard's female-babble translator set off klaxons wailing in his head. Teyla wanted him to do something but she was embarrassed about it. What the hell would Teyla be embarrassed about?

"No, come on Tey. Tell me, what's on your mind." Teyla seemed to shrink a thousand times, back into the seat, as she smoothed the material of her dress for the thousanth time.

"It is just that Sharin has asked to meet you." Sheppard had to strain to hear what she said as she spoke in barely a whisper.  
_  
What's up with Teyla? I've never seen her so…Well…like this!_

"Oh, sure, I can spare an hour or so." He wasn't sure what passed over Teyla's face. It looked like a cross-between relief and complete and utter disgrace…which made for a fairly funny sight.

"If you are sure Major…" She said, still not looking at him.

"Please, we're not on duty. Call me John or Shep or Bob or something. Just not Major."

"Bob?"

"Well Steve was already taken."

"So is Bob."

"Oh yeah, damn. Well I guess you'll have to settle for John then." Teyla smiled at him and returned her view to the ocean. If he had thought the fidgeting was bad then the absolute stillness with which she sat with now was ten times worse.

"Teyla…are you sure there's nothing wrong?" He asked. Teyla swallowed.

"I am fine, it is you I am worried about." John's eyebrows shot up.

"What, Sharin some kind of battleaxe or something?" Teyla opened her mouth to ask the meaning but Sheppard shook his head. "You don't want to know. Now what's up?"

"Well…I believe she requested to speak with you for you to undergo the…verification." She said it as if pronouncing the death sentence and Sheppard got the weird image of sitting down in a dark room with a single swinging lampshade lighting it. He shook the image from his head and began landing procedure as the mainland came in sight.

**_IOIOIO_**

"Okay, try it now." Zelenka called over his shoulder and Sergeant Bates pulled the lever beside him.

"Anything?" He asked, not really sure what he was expecting but judging by the string of incomprehensible language that was being roared from under the console, nothing good had happened. "Dr. Zelenka? Are you alright?"

"GO GET SOMEONE WITH THE GENE! I DON'T CARE WHO! GET SOMEONE!" Bates nodded and backed out of the room…and straight into Dr. McKay.

"Watch where you're going!"

"Oh thank god, uh. Doctor McKay, Dr. Zelenka needs you for something."

"What's new." He pushed past Bates and into the room. "What is it now Zelinky?"

"ZELENKA! MY NAME IS ZELENKA! YOU KNOW THIS SO GET IT RIGHT!" McKay took a step back, his mouth open and eyes wide in shock. In the last few days Zelenka had hit him, accosted him in the bathroom and was now shouting blue murder at him. Rodney wondered whether this was in any way related to the bra he had seen earlier, surely it wasn't him pissing the Czech off this much. "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING! GET BACK HERE!" A decisively pale Srgt. Bates stepped back in the room, looking as if he'd rather be anywhere else but there. "Rodney, sit on the chair.

"Listen, Zelenka. Why don't you get Carson or Faye. I have better things to be doing than…"

"SIT!" Rodney never moved so fast in his life. Bates did a double take as one moment Rodney was his human shield for Zelenka's verbal assault and the next he was in the chair leaving Bates exposed to the irate Czech's full fury.

"Now see if you can activate it." Rodney closed his eyes and concentrated on turning the chair on…nothing happened. "TURN IT ON!"

"I'M TRYING!" If Zelenka thought he could push THIS intergalactic genius around then he was sorely mistaken. If this came down to a snark off then Rodney knew he would win.

"TRY HARDER!" Rodney closed his eyes and searched for a fault with the power flow.

"Radek. I don't know what's wrong. It says we're getting enough juice but it just wont turn on. It's like some sort of firewall has been erected by the chair…Who was the last person to sit in the chair?"

"Major Sheppard, why?" Zelenka asked, his head appearing from underneath the console, his manner slightly more sedate.

"He's password encoded the chair." Growled Rodney, as he manipulated the gel on the arm.

"What do you mean password encoded the chair?"

"I don't know how he did it but the chair will only respond to him. It's prompting me for a password." Bates burst out laughing but was quietened by two very pissed off looking scientist glaring at him.

"Bates, go find Sheppard and bring him here. NOW!" If Bates had thought Rodney moved into the chair fast then he had no idea how fast he was running away from the Chair Room. "I need to get the chair up and running now." The Czech snapped to no one in particular as he dived underneath the console again, muttering in his home language.

"So, Sl…Zelenka. What are we going to do about this password then?"

"Jusdt...Try something!" He muttered from beneath the console.

"Alright…Sheppard." Rodney leapt out of the seat with a loud yelp. Zelenka immediately leapt up to see what had happened only to smash his head into the underside of the console and begin to swear profusely. Rodney on the other hand was clutching his backside and yelping like a cat on hot coals…this was the scene that Weir walked into…and swiftly walked back out of.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU HAVE TO SHOUT FOR!" Zelenka shouted, rubbing the back of his head.

"THE DAMN CHAIR ELECTROCUTED MY ASS!" Rodney shouted back. Zelenka snorted loudly, the look of barely suppressed laughter all over his face. "Oh, very funny. Can't you see I'm dieing inside with laughter."

"Sit back down and try something else."

"No! It hurt!"

"Rodney, just try something else." He chuckled, disappearing back under the console.

"Why don't you!" He shot back.

"I don't have the gene." Rodney gave his rear one last apologetic rub and he sat back down. "Okay, now think like Major Sheppard."

"Does he think?" Zelenka rolled his eyes.

"Come on Rodney. Think of something."

"Uh…Johnny Cash. OW! BOB! OOOOWWWW! FOOTBALL! GAH!" He leapt out of the chair and curled up on the floor, his hands firmly clasped to his behind. "Oh God it hurts, it hurts so much!" He sobbed, rolling around the floor. Zelenka couldn't help but burst out laughing, so, sagging helplessly over the console, he laughed till tears were rolling down his face. It was then Weir tried to come in again. Finding the situation no better than last time she sighed but stayed.

"Is everyone all right?" She asked, trying to make sense of the situation.

"MY BEHIND! IT HURTS! IT HURTS SO MUCH! OH GOD MAKE THE PAIN STOP!" Weir immediately went to Rodney's side.

"Rodney, Rodney? Are you alright, what happened?"

"SADISTIC TORTURER! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" He roared, still whimpering and clutching his backside. At this Zelenka's laughing only intensified till he was gasping for air. "I bet that block head planned this!"

"Come on Rodney, let's get you to Dr. Beckett. He'll fix you right up." Weir said helping him up. Rodney slung an arm around her shoulder as she helped him move.

"Oh god! It's numb! I can't feel my butt! OH NO! NO!"

"There, there." Weir said, patting his back. "It'll be alright once we get you to Carson."

"OH! It's got gangrene, it's going to have to be operated on! He'll have to remove it! I'll have to get a prostetic replacement! I don't want a metal ass. ELIZABETH! DON'T LET HIM TAKE IT!" Weir was at a loss what to do with the hysterical Rodney who was hobbling along beside her.

"You just have to get the circulation going in it again." She said, and without thinking her hand went down to the affected area to try and get the circulation moving. They hobbled in together to the infirmary and she turned him over to one of the nurses. "He got electrocuted in the backside by the Chair and now he can't feel it." Carson snorted with laughter but turned him over with business like alacrity.

"Okay Rodney, I'm going to have a look at that steateopygous of yours." The two nurses who helped him onto bed left as Carson pulled down Rodney's shorts to reveal a large, red rump. Elizabeth immediately blushed and made her way out of the cubicle. As she walked down the hall a strange though occurred to her.

"My god, was I rubbing Rodney's behind in the hallways?" She hadn't realised she had said it out loud but thankfully the small plaza outside the infirmary was empty. Blushing even harder, Weir made her way back to the control tower. All thoughts of why she had originally sought out Rodney and Zelenka was immediately replaced by marvelling at just how firm his 'steateopygous', as Carson called it, was.

* * *

  
SnkNJak: No, Radek's name is not made up. They used it in the show for like 2 seconds in The Siege Part one. While Rodney and Zelenka are arguing over who would get to go. Also, there is no one in DBZ called Radek. There's Raditz but no Radek (God I watch way too much Anime.)

ismisesteph: Yeah, I agree. It is a fairly cringe worthy word when you think about it. I spink I'll change it. Also, I love the name, very clever.

Fanwoman: (Has nervous breakdown) GAH! I really want to see that show. Everyone talks about it but I've never seen it. Breaks down crying I got the name Faye from Faye Wong. She sings 'Eyes on Me' for the FF8 soundtrack and I am addicted to those games. AlsoWeir in my fics is like superwoman...just without the cape...and the crown...and the flying. Could wonder woman fly...I think she could. Well Weir can't. She notices a lot of things as you'll soon see "mwa ha ha" So no pink hair for her. "Whoops have I said too much?" Also, about Zelenka' revenge...we'll see. We'll see. (Snigger.)

Orka: See, I updated. Aren't you proud? Hope you enjoyed the electrocution. I know I did, oh poor Rodney. Let's just hope it doesn't come to a metal rear for him.

Erin: I know he didn't sing this chappy but he did lose the feeling in his butt. That's something, right? I'm also fairly torn up about what he should sing. Any suggestions?

Oh, just a few points I think you need to know. A)Steateopygous means fat ass, I think I read it in a fanfic somewhere but I can't remember which one so I don't know if it's actually medical termonolyogy or not. B) Sheppard has a Johnny Cash poster in his room so that's why Rodney said it. I didn't make this up. You see it in the episode with Dr. Heightmyer in it I think it's called The Gift. C) Finally, Sharin is the old lady Teyla visits in The Gift (I think that's what the episode is called) I didn't know how to spell her name so I just listened to what Teyla said and wrote down my interpretation of it.

BTW, what should Rodney sing? I was originally going to have him sing a Spandu Ballet song but nothing justifies the brutalisation of a Spandu Ballet song. Nothing. Also any suggestions for the pranks would be too bad. I've a few ideas but my one for Teyla's a bit crap to be perfectly honest. Now I'm off to write Chappy 4.


	4. Verification equals concussion

Revenge, two sugars, no milk.

By Estellio

Rating: Pg-13

Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.

Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee) and overuse of Anime Quotes, abuse of Rodney and Sheppard…in general.

Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.

A/N: Thank you to everyone who's reviewed. I'm glad your all enjoying it and I've taken all your suggestions for the songs on board (I'm surprised how many people listen to 80's music. I thought that was just me!)Also don't read this if you are of a sheltered nature, Sheppard get's asked some fairly invasive questions. Now I wont bore you with a long Authores note like I usually do, Read and enjoy!

IOIOIO

McKay stared up at the ceiling of the sickbay with bad thought running through his head. Thoughts containing a certain Major (Or Lt. Colonel, whatever) and pointy objects. He was half way through a very inventive scenario involving a puddlejumper, a pitchfork and the three of Carson's mice when Dr. Beckett walked in.

"Don't look so glum, Rodney. You're not going to lose your wee little bum after all. The shock just…"

"Spare me the semantics, Doctor. Can I go?" Carson chuckled to himself, flipping through the chart.

"Well, the nurses found your bedside manner so charming they didn't want to let you go but I fought them tooth and nail to get your release papers signed so…"

"I'm allowed go?"

"Well if you would let me finish…"

"Maybe if you didn't take so long to say things then I would, now I have some pressing matters at hand. I have to find Major Sheppard and hurt him in some way." Carson chuckled again, handing Rodney his jacket.

"Fat chance, Rodney. He's gone over to the mainland with Teyla. He could be all day."

"Wonderful." Rodney growled, pulling on the jacket. "Now do you think you could hand me my pants. In all fairness, that should have been the first thing you handed me."

"What did your last slave die of. Get them yourself."

"Dr. Beckett?" A nurse popped her head in and grinned at Rodney who was sitting on the side of the bed in his underpants.

"Why don't you take a picture, it'll last longer." He snapped at the young orderly who burst into a fit of giggles.

"Nice legs, McKay." She smirked before disappearing behind the curtain. Carson gave him an apologetic smile before following her out.

Rodney looked down at his legs, they _were_ more toned than before. Must be all that fleeing from the Wraith. Without further contemplation he hopped down off the bed and retrieved his pants.

IOIOIO

Never mind Gestapo with a swinging lamp shade, this was a scene right out of the Matrix. There were three Athosians in black…well…not quite suits but a similar cut, surrounding him as he was sat at a desk. Sharin sat across from him, her weather worn face, business like and her eyes trained on Sheppard. Now Sheppard knew how Joe, the frog he dissected in high school felt. Poor Joe…why did he even remember what he called the damn frog?

"Major Sheppard, are you fertile."

Whatever question John had been expecting…it wasn't that.

"WHAT?"

"Are you capable of siring a child?" Sharin said as if speaking to a dimwitted child.

"I don't know! I never tried! Well I went through the motions but not for baby making purposes…why am I having this conversation with you? What the hell kind of a question is that?"

"This is unacceptable news, you will be tested immediately. You can choose to return to Atlantis and be tested by your own Doctor or by Seleri." She gestured to the tall, frail woman beside her who looked as if she had been around to see the Ancient Wars.

"What? What the…why do you need to know if I'm…you know…Why?"

"If you seek the hand of Teyla then you must be able to live up to the standards of the clan. You _must_ be able to sire children. All Athosian children are tested for fertility on the eve of their eighteenth birthday. Do your people not have a similar custom?"

"NO! What? I'm not seeking Teyla's hand in marriage. Are you mad?" Sharin raised an eyebrow and shared a confused look with Seleri and the man beside her.

"It has been our understanding that you and Teyla, head daughter of the clan Emmagen, have become…_close_."

"There is a difference between close and baby making. A BIG difference." The man spoke.

"You and Teyla are showing the fruits of a budding young relationship. Before this is taken further you must be verified."

"So _THIS_ is the Verification. Teyla mentioned that but…were do ye get off asking me such personal questions?"

"Teyla is the last of her line, we are the clan elders. Seleri is the chief healer, I am the chief consul and Sharin is Teyla's guardian. You must prove yourself worthy to _us_ before any relationship can be started with Teyla." Sheppard nodded.

"Alright, does Teyla…well…what does she have to say about this." Sharin smiled suddenly, her features soft.

"She did not say much when we suggested it. She swallowed and mumbled a lot, fidgeting constantly. It is our belief Teyla is interested in you, are you not in her?" Sheppard tugged on the collar of his jacket needlessly.

"Well, sure, I mean. Teyla's a really pretty girl and she can handle herself and…she's really swell and stuff but…you know. Isn't this a bit fast. Shouldn't I prove myself to Teyla before you? We do have a custom similar to this on Earth, it's called…meeting the parents. But…it's not this…direct." Sharin smiled thoughtfully at him, her eyes staring right into him and weighing his soul. Sheppard was beginning to feel like being dissected wasn't such a bad thing compared to this.

"Do you wish to being a relation ship with Teyla?" Sheppard swallowed loudly. There it was, out in the open. Floating around like a giant neon sign and it spelt…Sheppard is an idiot.

"Well…"

"YES!" Sharin said loudly. "Or No?"

"…I…"

"Y…"

"YES! Okay, yeah, I do. I really like Teyla and I suppose, if I have to…do…_this…_then alright. But I'd like to get Dr. Beckett over here rather than you…Miss. Seleri. No offence but I'd just feel more comfortable with a guy than…" Sharin cut him off. Nodding understandingly.

"So be it, bring in the Doctor."

"WHAT? He's here?"

"I jus' got here actually. I was just collectin' supplies when they told meh to come in here. What's ailin' ya Sheppard?" Carson said, ducking into the tent.

"Uh…Carson…could you verify if I'm…well…fertile or not. I presume I am, but they want to know for definite." Carson stared at him blankly for a long while.

"What?" He said finally.

"Ask them, not me. If I want to date Teyla I have to pass these tests. Now, can you tell me or not?"

"Well, I can call one of those pretty girls in and I'll have the results for yeah in about nine months."

"Ha, ha."

"Of cours' I can ya silly bugger but…I think you better do this somewhere private. I'll need a sample." Sheppard nodded and swallowed.

"Alright then, may I ask what's after this?" Sharin nodded.

"There are two more trials."

"Gonna tell me what they are?"

"…no."

"Wonderful."

IOIOIO

Elizabeth checked her watch as AT-7 made their way back from exploring a planet the Athosians had suggested might trade with them. Judging by their shaking heads and pale faces they had found another empty village.

"Damn Wraith." Sleepy German guy mumbled as he shut down the gate. Weir nodded and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder as Rodney skipped into the control tower.

"Anyone seen Major Sheppard? He has a date with some hydrochloric acid to the groin and I don't want him to miss it." Elizabeth smiled as Rodney came to stand behind her and leaning back she let her eyes drift down to his behind.

"Elizabeth?"

"Yes Rodney?"

"Are you checking me out?"

"Just trying to figure out whether that ass was metal or not. Hard to tell."

"…I'll take that as a compliment…it is…right?" A young Irish girl at the console next to sleepy German guy giggled and became engrossed in a scratch on the surface of her console. "Right?"

"Yes Rodney. It's a compliment." Rodney beamed.

_She likes my butt. Oh yeah, score one for team McKay._

"Well that's made my day. You know, you don't have a half bad behind yourself." _Did I just put my foot in my mouth or is it my shoe I'm gagging on?_

Much to Rodney's relief Weir laughed and began to walk to her office.

"Why thank you Rodney. I do try." Rodney found his eyes glues to the topic of their conversation as she walked away. Was it just him or was she walking with more of a swagger. He turned back to the gate to find the Irish and German both red faced and trying to control their laugher.

"What?" The German burst out laughing and the Irish girl let out a wolf whistle.

"You go McKay, you were in the zone." The German laughed.

"Really?" McKay asked, grinning despite himself.

"Turn around, give us a look at that thóin of yours." The Irish girl said, grinning at McKay who turned on heel and walked away with a sway in his hips.

"Rodney? Where do you think you're going?" Weir asked, coming out of her office.

"I…uh…was just."

"Have you forgotten about dinner together?"

"Uh no, take your time. I'll be here." He looked back at the two gate controllers. The German was mouthing the word 'Zone' and nodding and the Irish girl was smiling making encouraging motions. With his best winning smile he swept into her office.

"Bet you ten Euro he messes up." The German said, swivelling in his chair to face the young girl beside him.

"Oh come on, Alex. It's so obvious Weir digs him too." She said smiling.

"No, no Vicky. I'm telling you, he'll screw it up some how. I mean he nearly swallowed his foot there, he was so bad. He's lucky Weir has a sense of humour."

"What? I got it. He just has a particular sense of humour, it's an acquired taste, like cheese. I mean come on, the guys gorgeous, smart, funny. Weir and him, a done deal." Alex gave her a disbelieving grin.

"Put your money where your mouth is, mien little Leibshin."

"Alright, chara. Ten quid says they're together by the end of this fic…I mean year. Year."

"What the hells a fic?"

"Uh. Nothing, it's Irish for something…Shut up and go play minesweeper on your laptop."

IOIOIO

Sheppard had the eerie sense of déjà vu as he stood in a circle of Athosians in what they called ritual garb…he called it glorified underwear. As he resisted the urge to scratch his painted arms, he wondered how it could get worse. Superstition left over from his Grandmothers tales took over and he immediately look for a piece of wood to touch, dispelling the bad karma he built up by thinking that but as three people broke the ring, he realised it was far to late.

"John of Sheppard, warrior of the Tauri, you seek the hand of Teyla of Emmagen, leader of the people of Athos. Is this true?" The man, no, the G_iant_ who stood at the head of the line asked and John swallowed convulsively around a knot it his throat.

"It is true." The man who stood next to him took a step forward at John's answer.

"You are not alone in the quest for Teyla's hand. There are those who would challenge you, do you believe you can keep her hand?" John recognised the man as one of the Athosians that Teyla trained. The guy was strong, fast and about six levels higher that John on the skill scale that the Athosians went by. He was also fairly sure that the guy had a major crush on Teyla.

"I would do everything in my power _to_ keep it. Neither Wraith nor rain will take her, only time." He said, reciting the words Sharin had told him before tossing him into this ring of people in nothing more than a loin cloth and swirls of body paint. The paint on his cheeks was drying and irritating his skin and he had to fight the urge to scratch.

The young woman who stood next to the Athosian boy stepped forward.

"There are those of us who do not trust the Tauri. Who believe you will hurt Teyla or not live up to what she deserves. Do you believe you will make Teyla happy?"

"I will do everything in my power to make Teyla as happy as she deserves…and she deserves all the happiness in the world." This seemed to placate the young woman and she stepped back.

"Scaran?" He heard Sharin's voice. "Do you accept his answer?" The Athosian boy clenched his jaw.

"I do not!" He said loudly. "We do not know the Tauri! Their customs differ from ours. I asked the Tauri Doctor and he said a man can leave his wife if he grows tired of her. Who is to say that Sheppard will not grow tired of Teyla and leave her. Or take he back to Earth?" There was a murmur of agreement around the ring of gathered Athosians. "I CHALLENGE!" He said loudly and immediately two young boys of about ten ran into the circle holding the tonfa's that he and Teyla trained and fought with.

"And Boran, do you accept John's answer?"

"I believe he genuinely seeks Teyla's hand. Scaran challenges alone." The gigantic man stepped back, much to John's relief but now he was being advanced upon by Scaran.

"Oh, this wasn't how I planned on spending the day." He said to himself as Scaran tensed.

He could see by the tension in his left shoulder that he was going to come in low with the right Tonfa and try and get him in the side to leave his neck bare to attack. As Scaran attacked John parried both his blows and got him solidly in the knee before moving in for an uppercut with the but of his tonfa. It never hit as he found himself flying backwards, his head ringing from a blow.

"Damn you're fast." He groaned, getting up only to feel the tonfa slam between his shoulder blades forcing him to the ground.

"Pitiful, submit." He heard Scaran growl and Sheppard shook his head to clear the star from his vision. It was obvious that he wasn't going to be able to beat this guy using what Teyla taught him so it was time for a little old school.

John threw his Tonfas away and believing this to be submission, Scaran rose…only to have John to roll onto his back and bring his foot up sharply between Scaran's legs.

With a satisfying '_umph_', Scaran fell to his knees, dropping his tonfas in favour of clutching at the damage area in an attempt to relieve the pain. Before he could retaliate, Sheppard kicked him again, this time his heel connected firmly with the mans cheek, sending him sprawling.

"An eye for an eye, a concussion for a concussion." Sheppard laughed as he leapt to his feet, moving into a stance he had seen Scorpion use in Mortal Kombat. As Scaran got to his feet Sheppard grabbed his sleeve and spun him to face him.

"Get over here." He said with a grin as he head butted the young Athosian, sending him to the floor. But not before he had grabbed a fistful of Sheppard jacket, thus bringing Sheppard crashing down with him. They rolled for several moments before Sheppard found himself pinned to the floor with Scaran's weight solidly on top of him. With a firm '_thud'_ their foreheads connected, once, twice and then a third time. This time accompanied by a loud crack as Sheppard angled his head a little lower, breaking the Athosian's nose. They scuffled for several more moments before Sheppard was able to get away. The moment he turned Scaran was on him and Sheppard delivered six solid punched to the mans chest sending him wheezing to the floor.

"Hukto shinken has no equal." Sheppard quipped, putting on a Japanese accent. "How about this. Keo-ken, time ten!" Drawing both his hands back, he ran forward, punching Scaran with both fists in the stomach as Scaran rose. The hit Scaran got to his jaw was trivial as Sharin commanded them to stop.

"Pride shall lead to no ones downfall. Sheppard has won the right of Teyla's hand. All that is left is the Rite of Flowers." Sheppard would have laughed if he wasn't on the floor gasping for breath and urging the world to stop spinning. Flowers, would be easy compared to this…now time to scratch like a man possessed.

IOIOIO

"Personally I think Zelenka was actually enjoying it! Smug little Russian twat." Rodney grumbled as he and Elizabeth walked to the Mess Hall.

"Eh…Rodney? He's not Russian." Rodney's step faltered.

"He's not? Where the hell is from then?"

"The Czech Republic." Rodney's mouth dropped open.

"That explains so much." Rodney said absent minded, continuing on his way to the Mess.

"You know, Rodney. It was actually kinda funny to watch. You did get a bit hysterical."

"OH PLEASE! I was being anally electrocuted! Tell me you wouldn't be a bit panicked. It hurt! It hurt a lot! And when I get my hands on Sheppard I'm going to hospitalise him."

"Too late." A voice said behind him and they both turned to see Ford coming out of a nearby corridor. "Didn't you hear? Sheppard's in the Infirmary. I was just going there to see him now."

"What? Why? What happened?"

"Apparently he got beat up in some sort of Athosian courtship ritual." At this McKay began to laugh so hard he fell to his knees, clutching his sides. Ford smirked. "I know, it sounds pretty dodgy but he's beat up pretty bad. Beckett says he has a concussion and had some allergic reaction to the body paint." McKay doubled up on the floor in laughter, howling about body paint.

"I better go check in on him. I hope he's going to be okay." Weir said turning to walk the same way as Ford. As McKay regained his composure he turned to face Elizabeth.

"But Elizabeth, what about…?"

"We'll have to reschedule. I'll comm. You." She said, tapping her ear piece even as she ran towards the infirmary. McKay's crestfallen look stopped Zelenka in his tracks as he rounded the corner.

"Rodney? Are you alright?" Immediately is turned to a look of irritation that Radek was far more familiar with.

"Yes, why wouldn't I be? What do you want?" Zelenka smirked minutely as he and Rodney fell into step.

"Ve've found something I think you'll find interesting. It's a lab…and it's completely empty." Rodney paused, shooting a completely dumbfounded look to the Czech.

"And an empty lab would interest me…how?"

"Rodney. It's empty but it has zese holes…"

"Stop right there, you want me to have a look at a room full of holes?"

"Rodney, you're not listening. Zere are zese holes on ze ceiling and floor vich make me think zat it was a…"

"Don't think, you're not paid to think. Just show me." Rodney said irritably with a small sigh. His stomach chose that moment to make a loud grumble and he began scowling at the floor as he reached for his powerbar…his pocket was empty. "Oh for the love of…" He was about to turn back when a packet of crisp was pushed into his hand.

"That'll do ya." The young woman he recognised from the control room was standing in front of him.

"What flavour?" He asked, holding up the bag.

"Salt and vinegar. Last packet of Tayto's in the galaxy."

"I'm honoured." Rodney deadpanned, taking a handful and chewing it experimentally.

"Rad, I need to talk to you a minute." She said, turning to Zelenka with a brilliant smile.

"Did she agree?" Zelenka asked with barely suppressed glee. She smiled even brighter and he gave out a woop of joy, scooping her up in his arms "PODIVUHODNY!" He shouted, spinning her around. Rodney rolled his eyes, making short work of the crisps as Zelenka chattered on in Czech. Apparently the girl understood although Rodney was fairly sure she wasn't Czech. The accent sounded all wrong.

"Oh please, will you to get a room?" Rodney snapped irritably. People just didn't have the right to be happy now that his day had been ruined.

"We just did!" The girl giggled, detaching herself from Zelenka's arms with a final peck to his cheek. "I'm sorry, I'll let ye get on with your work." She said grinning and before she left she threw her arms around Rodney. "Don't be so sad, I'm sure everything will work out all right." She whispered to him before continuing down the hall, Zelenka shouted something after her in Czech which made her laugh and wave him off before she disappeared around the corner. The dopy grin on the scruffy scientists face made Rodney want to hit him but he resisted the urge to thump him with the empty bag of crisps, instead licked the salt off his fingers.

"What was that about?"

"Oh, it's nothing. Come on, I better show you zat lab. Zat'll put you in a good mood." Zelenka said, all but skipping down the hall.

"You know…" Rodney said, hanging back. "I think I'll clock off early. I'm tired and I'm hungry and not in the best of moods. You can show me this wonderlab of yours tomorrow." Rodney sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"But Rodney, I vont be here tomorrow, it's my day off. Remember?"

"Well then, the city wont sink because it took me a few days to look at some room. Now, I'm heading back to my quarters. I stink of vinegar now and I need a shower." Zelenka's eyes widened. This wasn't good, Sheppard wasn't out of the infirmary yet! The Walky Talky hadn't been put in place and it could be weeks before another opportunity like this arose.

"RODNEY! Just because you are in a bad mood does not mean you can blow off your duties. Now you come to lab. Zis is important!" Rodney took a step back at Zelenka's outburst. "Also, I AM paid to think and the city _could_ sink because I believe this is a room to let off water if the city floods. It's not ze first we've found and you've already caused me enough grief today so COME ON!" Rodney's eyebrows were loitering around his hairline, and expression of utter shock on his face.

"ME? What did _I _do?"

"Let's just say that a few Marines heard you calling me Pollyanna and zought it vould be funny to put my hair in pig tails while I slept."

"I called you Pollyanna about an hour or two ago. How did they manage that?"

"I apparently found a machine that emits subsonic music to lull a person to sleep. Like a sleeping pill just no ingestion required. I woke up in the chair room with my hair in pigtails and Sergeant Bates laughing so hard he was on the floor. AND! Before you say anything, I _know_ it you who called me Pollyanna because Kavanugh told me in the nicest possible way…He sang. Do you have any idea how disturbing it is to have Kavaughna sing to me? VERY! If you were wondering, now, because you are having a bad day is no reason to make mine any worse that it already is."

"You seemed pretty happy a minute ago with…what's her face…uh…"

"Vicky."

"Yeah, Vicky. What's up with that?" Zelenka smiled whimsically as he led Rodney down a darkened corridor. This was obviously a new part of the city and they hadn't routed power here.

"It was nothing that'd interest you. Just a few minor details." Zelenka said, waving him off as they turned again into a damp corridor. Once in the room Rodney looked around. It was empty, completely devoid of everything, even a proper floor. The place looked like the inside of a vegetable strainer.

"Look." Zelenka walked over to the far wall and reached inside one of the holes, he pulled out a long cylinder and sliding the casing around he revealed a control panel. "According to zis zere is one on every floor of every building in every wing. Zey are just in case the building floods. You see, Ven water enters it drains through the holes until it reaches the basement where it is pumped through a series of pipes, through the mainland into a giant cirque in the mountains."

"Mountains? There are no mountains on the mainland." Zelenka smiled and turned around.

"Ze mainland…zat way."

"But that's a few hundred miles away. It takes a half an hour to get there by puddle jumper." Zelenka grinned.

"Exactly. It pumps it far away from the city, there is hydraulics in the basement which pump the water at high speed pressure. The more water zere is, the faster it will drain." Rodney nodded, his eyes lighting like a boy after finding some candy.

"So you mean…"

"If ze city ever floods vile ve're underwater, it'll buy us a few days. Eventually the sheer volume of water will over power the systems but with the water proof bulkheads in place, it should slow the creep of water enough to last us roughly 72 hours. But, more immediate. It can pump out all of the city that is still partially flooded in a matter of minutes." Rodney eased Zelenka out of the way, putting his hand on the cylinder and poking a few controls.

"This is amazing! I better Comm. Elizabeth and tell her." Rodney said with glee, tapping his earpiece. "Elizabeth! Elizabeth!"

"Yes Rodney?" She asked, she sounded as if she was trying not to laugh, wasn't she going to see Sheppard? How as that funny?

"Elizabeth, you'll never believe what Zelenka and I've found."

"And I?" Zelenka mouthed irritably. "You didn't find it at all."

"Shut up. Elizabeth, you have to see this. It's the solution to all our problems. Well not all of them but a LOT of them."

"Alright Rodney, I'm on my way." She said, sniggering lightly.

"Oh laugh it up, you're not the one who's BRIGHT FRICKEN…" Sheppard's voice was cut off as Weir broke the connection.

"Boy…I'd love to see how this works…"

"DON'T!" Zelenka shouted but it was two late. Water began to pout through the room drenching the two scientists. Zelenka, who was nearer to the door, managed to throw himself out of the way, however Rodney was lost inside the downpour. By the time Weir arrived it was easing off from a wall of water to just a waterfall in the middle of the room and Rodney was lying face down to one side, drenched to the bone and covered with seaweed.

"Oh my God." Weir gasped, running to his side and flipping him over. Zelenka immediately swooped in to start CPR. After one breath of air Rodney began to cough up the water he had swallowed and opened his bleary eyes to see Zelenka inches away.

"GAH!" He pushed Zelenka away and rolled to his feet, still coughing. "Please tell me it wasn't you who did mouth to mouth."

"You had swallowed water. Vat was I supposed to do?"

"You couldn't have let Elizabeth? I wouldn't have minded her doing it." Zelenka and Elizabeth shared an amused look.

"Why thank you Rodney." She said, unsure of what to make of it.

"Of course, its not like ze first time you've woken to find it's not actually Elizabeth." Zelenka muttered low so that only Rodney could hear.

"WATCH IT MISTER!" He said, casting a worried glance between Elizabeth and Radek.

"Eh…Rodney? What's on your neck?" Rodney's hand immediately went to his neck to find a bright pink star fish like being clung to it.

"NO! No! Not a starfish! I HATE THEM! Oh God! Why is this happening to me? Alien succubus are Sheppard field! Oh God, oh God, oh God." He promptly passed out.

IOIOIO

A/N: ROTFL! Oh, you're going to hate me. Okay, Rodney didn't singing this Chapter but I _promise_ he'll sing in the next one. I've picked out what song already and hopefully you'll like it. Now, to make it backfire on Sheppard or not. Hmm. Also, if you thought the invasive questions and beating Sheppard got was bad then wait until the rite of flowers _Snigger_ Sounds so innocent, doesn't it. Also, that's why Zelenka was so annoyed with Rodney, because of the Pollyanna thing…hmm…Kavughna singing. There's and interesting idea for a fic. Finally I'd like to apologise for over use of anime quotes, I just got my monthly shipment of Manga and had it on the brain. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, you've made my week! Love ya guys!


	5. flower picking and shower singing

Revenge, two sugars, no milk.

By Estellio

Rating: Pg-13

Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.

Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee) and…a striptease?

Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.

A/N: Please, do not read this if you are British and have a great love of your parliament. The Margaret Thatcher joke was uncalled for, but it's in there and it's staying. Also I can safely say this is the longest chapter I've ever written of anything. Well…to date. 13 pages. Woah.

**Purpleyin**: Mary-sue? Moi? Never…to be honest, Vicky was in a fic I was writing called Childs Play that I gave up. I really liked her character so I put her in this fic. She stars a lot in this Chapter so you can make your judgement on her then. I kinda needed her to push the plot on a little because I couldn't find a Cannon character to do what I wanted done.

**Orka**: Cattle prods? What is this, South Park? But read on and you'll see that the Starfish had nothing to do with it. That's just prejudice against alien Starfish. Don't make me called the ISPCAS…okay. That doesn't exist but it could!

_**IOIOIO**_

Carson gave a heavy sigh as he surveyed Rodney.

"Third time today he's been in." He said, shaking his head. "I'm tellin' ya, Atlantis is a dangerous place an' Rodney's a dangerous man." He threw a smile to Dr. Weir who was standing in a corner, chewing on the nail of her thumb while she hugged herself with the other arm.

"Is he going to be all right? That…_thing_…on his neck isn't going to do any harm. Is it?"

"Oh, the Starfish thing? Oh no, not at all. It's just…sticky. For lack of a more scientific term."

"But, if it isn't doing anything harmful then why did Rodney pass out?" Carson smiled sympathetically at her.

"Rodney hasn't eaten anything in a while, nor has he rested. Now you get a hungry, tired scientist, drown him, resuscitate him then do a merry little jig with him and he's going ta pass out. All the starfish did was excite him a little." Weir gave a relieved sigh.

"That's good news, all we needed was another Sheppard incident."

"HEY! Quite talking about me like I'm not in the room." They heard Sheppard call from the nearby bed, the curtains were still pulled around him so that no one could see him in his current colourful state. Weir smiled at the curtain and turned back to Rodney as he groaned on the bed.

"Rodney?" Weir bent over him, watching as his eyelids fluttered for a moment before sliding back to reveal his bright blue eyes. Elizabeth stared in shock for a moment. She had never really realised just how blue his eyes were before, they were absolutely mesmerising.

From Rodney's point of view the world looked a lot different. As his vision cleared he saw Elizabeth's face hovering over his, her eyes soft and loving and behind her was a bright, white light.

_I may not be a religious man _Rodney thought, _but if I'm not mistaken, that's an angel._

"Wow." He whispered, finding his throat suddenly very dry, which was ironic considering all he could think about was water, lots and lots of water, pouring all around him.

_HOLD ON! I…I…drowned! I drowned and I've died! And I'm in heaven…figures Elizabeth would be here. After all, it is heaven._

"You're really pretty." Elizabeth's eyebrows crept up to her hairline with surprise.

"Why…thank you…Rodney." Her and Carson shared a look.

"He may still be a little…out of it."

"Are you an angel?"

"A _little_ out of it?" She asked, looking back to Rodney.

"I did give him some medication that may be…uh…causing a little delirium." Elizabeth nodded understandingly, placing a hand on Rodney's head.

"You're going to be okay, Rodney." She said smiling at him before turning to Carson. "Carson, when will he be released?"

"Well, not until tomorr'ah, at least."

"Tomorrow? I though you said nothing was wrong with him?"

"Well, apart from inhaling water from another galaxy, no! We have no idea what went into his system, he checks out okay so far but ah still want to run some more tests."

"Oh, alright Doctor. I'll be by later to check on him. Alright?"

"Aye, lass. He probably wont be coherent for another few hours though." Elizabeth nodded and moved over to the next curtain.

"Hey, how come I don't get any special treatment like Rodney does?" Sheppard asked as Weir ducked inside. With a smile in place she sat next to him.

"Oh, come on John. Of course I give you special treatment. I mean, after all, you _are_ my favourite Major."

"Aww…that touches me right in…HEY! I'm your _only_ Major!" Weir grinned down at him.

"But if I had a second Major, you'd still be my favourite…unless the other Major was _really_ cute…but otherwise it'd be you."

"Oh, joy of joys." John said, rolling his eyes.

"You know what Major…" She was cut off by her headset being commed.

"Dr. Weir?" She recognised the heavy German accent as belonging to the sleepy gate controller.

"Go ahead…" She could hardly call him sleepy German dude. "…Alex?"

"AT-4 have just come back, they have about six crates full of food and three barrels of…some sort of liquid thing. They say that's the first part of the shipment and the rest'll be delivered after we've given the medical stuff." Elizabeth smiled.

"I'm on my way?"

"Good news?" Asked Sheppard.

"Sergeant Reeves has managed to acquire several crates of food from the Irathian Traders. I better head up there and debrief them."

"Okay then, see ya." Sheppard said, raising a hand in mock salute. The moment Elizabeth was out of the infirmary she allowed herself to fall into convulsions of laughter. She was never going to get tired of seeing John that colour.

IOIOIO 

"So, Doc? Can I go yet?" Carson looked up from the chart he was reading with a sympathetic smile at the discoloured major

"Sure, we've run all the tests and taken enough of your blood ta keep a vampire happy fer life and every test has turned up negative. You're good ta go." John swallowed around the lump in his throat, he was sure the lump was the same colour as the rather hypnotic swirling pattern that still lay emblazoned on his chest.

"Yeah…well…that's good but what about this…" He gestured his discoloured skin.

"Oh that? I can recommend a few things to bring the colour down."

"Sure, Doc. Anything." Sheppard said, grabbing his shirt from the chair and pulling it on over his head.

"Okay, Max Factor should do the trick."

"What?"

"Max Factor foundation. Fer your face at least, I wouldn't recommend it full body but it's not like you're going ta be walking around in your bare-alls now, are ya? …are you?"

"What? No! That underpants thing was a once off I'm not likely to repeat."

"Well then, Max Factor foundation…or maybe some tanning lotion. That or mummification."

"…" Carson couldn't prevent the grin that crawled over his face at the look on Major Sheppard's face. "Make-up? You want me…to wear…make up?"

"Or tanning lotion." Carson offered, resisting the urge to fall to the floor in a shivering ball of hysterical laughter.

"It's still make-up!"

"So, lot's of men wear it. I can see you with lilac eye shadow.."

"HEY!" Sheppard turned sharply away from Beckett. "…really?"

"Oh yes, Major. Maybe some frosty pink lip gloss."

"Oh! That's it!" Sheppard snapped, throwing his hands into the air. "I don't have to sit here and take this sort of abuse. _I'm_ going back to my quarters and I'm taking a shower!"

"A shower wont help Major."

"It's a helluva lot better than your idea of MAKEUP! I mean, there was that one time in ninth grade, sure, when at my friends sleep over where his little sister put on some…YOU DON'T HAVE TO KNOW THIS!"

"I didn't ask!" Carson watched with an amused grin as Sheppard struggled to find his pants.

"Okay, where are they! I know you're hiding them!" He said, turning on Carson and pointing an accusing finger at him.

"Paranoid, Major?"

"Why is everyone stealing my pants! What did I ever do to deserve this?" Sheppard collapsed onto the bed with a rather petulant look on his face.

"Major, I hate to break it to you but…you didn't come in here wearing pants. You were wearing that Athosian loincloth. If you want I can get someone to fetch you pants." Carson said in the most sympathetic voice he could muster, even though he was dieing with laughter on the inside.

"No, no. I'll just put on the loin cloth…Then I'm going home…and taking a nap."

"No time for that, John of the clan Sheppard."

"NO!" John moaned into his pillow as Sharin came around the corner. "Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean."

"Although we understand that it was necessary for you to receive medical attention due to your…unforeseeable reaction, that does not allow you to abstain from your duties. If the rite of flowers is not completed by noon tomorrow, you and Teyla shall not be joined, nor shall you ever be allowed, is this understood?" John's reply was muffled by the pillow he had his head buried in but Sharin seemed to take it for an answer, though Carson was pretty sure that it wasn't something you could exactly put on a kids T.V. show.

"Rite of flowers?" Carson asked, alternating his confused glare between Sharin and Sheppard.

"Don't ask me, ask her." Sheppard grumbled as Sharin approached.

"There is no need to dress, John, if you would be kind enough to leave us momentarily then I shall explain the process to Major Sheppard.

Carson, nodded and left however, he was only half way to his office when he heard the Major's raised voice.

"WHAT! THAT'S CRAZY! NO! THAT'S INSANE! THERE'S NO WAY WEIR'LL LET ME DO IT! HELL! I WONT LET ME DO IT!" Carson was tempted to go back but judging by the frustrated sounds, which sounded similar to a puppy with severe indigestion, Sharin had it under control

"Wonder what that's all about." Nurse Brady said, tapping her lips thoughtfully with the end of her pen.

"Don't ask me, I'm clocking off for lunch. As of now I officially see nothing, hear nothing, report nothing." Brady sniggered and returned to writing up the prescriptions.

IOIOIO 

John Sheppard ran for all he was worth down the corridor, looking like a reject from 'The Invisible Man' he finally skidded to a halt in front of Zelenka's quarters and began to press the buzzer furiously. When no answer was forthcoming Sheppard tied comming the Czech but once again, he was met with silence.

"DAMN!"

"Eh…Major?" John froze, if he turned around whoever was there would see his face and the news of his unusual colour. "Major Sheppard?" It was Sergeant Stackhouse, damn, he'd never live this down.

"Uh. Stackhouse…You don't know where Zelenka is now, do you?"

"Uh, yes Sir. I saw him heading to his quarters." Sheppard had to resist the urge to turn around, it was really weird talking to someone with your back to them.

"But…these _are_ his quarters." Stackhouse chuckled, his voice deep and rumbling.

"Not anymore, those are mine. He moved to one of the bigger rooms in the East Tower, it's right by the transporter. Third floor, room…uh…eight I think."

"Thanks." Sheppard said, waiting for him to move on so he could turn around.

"Sir…I just got off shift and I want to go to bed. Care to let me into my quarters?" Sheppard swallowed.

"Okay, but only on one condition. When I turn around, you wont laugh…and you wont tell _anyone_." Stackhouse raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms.

"Alright then." Sheppard turned slowly and the moment Stackhouse saw him he fell back against the wall, laughing as hard as he could.

"Hey! No laughing!"

"BUT YOU'RE…YOU'RE!" He dissolved back into helpless laughter.

"That's hardly the point!" Stackhouse slid down the wall to rest on the floor, still laughing. Sheppard knew that laughter like that drew people. Maniacal, deep, rumbling laughter meant only one thing, something so hilariously funny that _everybody_ had to know.Sheppard had one option…bolt for the transporter.

Not for the first time today, Sheppard thought about leaving the army to take up track racing but all thoughts were turned now on the fact that the transporter was opening…

He collided full force with Dr. Heightmyer, throwing her onto her behind and back into the transporter. Sheppard made a hurried apology before transporting himself, and the evil shrink, to the East Tower. Without so much as a backward glance he bolted from the transporter, glancing at the room numbers. It wasn't until he had turned the corner that she was able to get up.

"Was that Major Sheppard?" She mused aloud to herself. "And was he…no, it was probably my imagination. Human's just aren't that colour." With a wry shake of her head she touched the transporter control.

IOIOIO 

Zelenka lay back on the deck, enjoying the feel of his own clothes, the sun beating down on him and the wind gently blowing through his hair. Bliss…it figures that if one person was to intrude on his bliss it'd be Sheppard.

"ZELENKA! ZELENKA!" He shouted, running out onto the deck. "I'm so glad I've finally found you." With a sigh Zelenka looked over to see the Major running towards him…there was something wrong but he just couldn't place it.

"Major?"

"Zelenka, I need your help. I'm in trouble."

"Vat's new?" He sighed, moving to get up.

"What is it Radek?" A second head suddenly appeared on Zelenka's shoulder, and on further inspection it belonged to a completely different person who was lying next to him on the deck.

"OH MY GOD YOU'RE GREEN!"

"What, never seen someone who's bright green before?"

"NO!"

Zelenka rolled his eyes.

"Vat do you vant, Major? Or…should I say…Kermit?"

"SHUT UP! Listen, can I talk to you in private, Z?"

"…Only if you never call me that again." Zelenka said, getting up and stretching, a loud pop caused the girl on the deck to start laughing, saying something in Czech.

"Kráva." He said sourly in Czech and the girl feigned affront.

"Kříženec." She shot back and Zelenka smiled.

"Nemluvit" The girl turned away in pretend offence and Zelenka smiled.

"Uh, what's going on?" Sheppard asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Don't ask. Now, vat is it you're looking for, major?"

"Well…You see…the thing is." He cast a suspicious look to the still turned back of the girl and beckoned Zelenka closer. Whispering into his ear for a moment, Sheppard told him what Sharin had told him and by the time he was finished tears of suppressed laughter were rolling down Zelenka's face.

"What?" The girl asked, turning to face them again.

"Neptej se!" Zelenka laughed and the girl sat up.

"Care to let me in on your little joke, boys?" Zelenka began to roar with laughter.

"He wants…me…to pick…alien flowers…with him…" Zelenka said, between fits of laughter.

"OH! CONFIDENTIALITY MY GREEN BUTT!"

"Why are you picking flower, if you don't mind me asking." She said, grinning at Sheppard.

"Well…you see…the thing is…"

"THEY'RE FOR TEYLA!"

"Awww. That's so cute." The girl crooned, getting to her feet. "I didn't know you and Teyla had gotten you do me a favour though?"

"What?" Sheppard asked, wary of her far too innocent look.

"Could you, like…not tell anyone for another." She checked her watch. "Four days. I stand to win a lot of money if you do." The look on Sheppard's face was the true definition of 'Kodak Moment'.

"…There's a poll…on when Teyla and I'll get together?"

"Oh yeah. I had it pegged down in the first month but I lost that bet so I had my new date pulled out of a hat. Four days, that's all I ask, and in return I won't tell anyone about this flower thing or your new found verdant shade." Sheppard looked between Zelenka and Vicky.

"…oh…you're evil. Both of you!" He said, pointing an accusing finger, curiosity, however, got the better of him. "How much do you stand to win?"

"Enough sweets to last me until next year, a few bits and bobs, no gate duty for…forever and the last of the coffee ration. The poll is quite popular. The only one worth more than it is the Weir one." Sheppard sat down on one of the deck beds, now highly interested.

"Weir has a poll all to herself? Why didn't _I_ hear about this?"

"Well…cause you're in it. Rodney doesn't know either. He knows about the you Teyla one though. He has you down for two months time. It's him I'll be getting the Coffee Ration off." She laughed to herself as Zelenka returned to his seat next to her, yawning loudly as he slung his arm around her shoulders.

"That cheeky little…meh, I'll get back at him tomorrow. Now, what's this poll about Weir and me?"

"Oh, not just you and Weir. It's a poll to see who Weir will get together with first and when. Rodney's favourite with you in second place. I have her and Rodney getting together by the end of this week. But that's because I have inside info that her and McKay were supposed to be going on a date yesterday but due to unforeseeable circumstances it's been postponed indefinitely. That and they were checking each other out in the gate room."

"WHAT?"

"Yeah, she told Rodney he had an ass like steel and he said that she had a nice one too. It was kinda sweet in a McKayish way."

"Why does no one tell me these things? These are things I need to know!" She shrugged, smiling.

"Just ask Bates, he and Stackhouse run the polls. A new one recently started up which I think you'll enjoy."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah…how long will it take for Sheppard to cut his hair. I haven't bet yet but if you and I work together, we could make a killing. Lets say…four months?"

"YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! You don't do this sort of thing, do you Zelenka?" Zelenka grinned.

"Actually, I had Dr. Weir and McKay pegged down for last week and you and Teyla for another two months. Ah vell, can't vin them all. I still have the Kavanaugh bet to fall back on."

"The Kavanaugh bet?"

"Yes, how long will it take McKay to flip and try and kill that Margaret Thatcher wannabe." Sheppard paused, completely unsure of how the hell that name was given to Kavanaugh.

"Uh…I'm almost afraid to ask but…Margaret Thatcher wannabe?" Zelenka and Vicky shared a meaningful look, both had grins set firmly on their face.

"Okay." Radek said, "You know Kavanaugh….well one look at him has the same effect of." Zelenka paused, trying to contain a shiver. "Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day." Sheppard threw his hands up to cover his eyes, falling back off the chair and onto the desk.

"THAT'S DISGUSTING!" Vicky had dissolved into fits of laughter and was curled up on the deck laughing for all she was worth.

"Okay, okay. Before my liver explodes, tell us about this flower thing." Sheppard pried his fingers from his eyes carefully.

"No more Margaret Thatcher jokes?"

"I promise." Vicky said, laying a reassuring hand on his arm. "No promises on the William Shatner ones though."

"NO!" Sheppard cried, returning to the foetal position. Zelenka gave her a withering look.

"Stop it, milenec." He said warningly. "That's just…" He shivered with the thought. "There are some lines you do not cross. Now, Major." Sheppard immediately uncurled and sat back on the deckchair.

"Okay, so here's the deal. There are three rites to gain dating rights to an Athosian. I've completed the first two, the rite of…you don't need to know them. Now, the Rite of flowers…stop laughing…means I have to go to Athos and collect flowers then I have to wind them into a wreath and present them to Teyla at noon tomorrow." Zelenka raised an eyebrow.  
"Then vat do you need me for?"

"Okay, either freaky Athosian Lady goes with me or I can choose a…what was the word…Basically just a guy to help me along. He'll stand in, kinda as my best man at the ceremony." Zelenka's jaw dropped.

"And you choose me because?"

"Well…McKay is out for ten in the infirmary. Ford is avoiding me like the plague, Teyla's no help, I can hardly ask Weir to go gallivanting off to another planet and since I already have dirt on you, I figure you're a safe bet." Zelenka gave a thin smile.

"Oh, zat's touching but three things. A) I know _nothing _about flowers or flower arranging. B) Zis is my day off and I plan on spending it relaxing, not picking flowers. C) …just no."

"Oh, go on Radek. He needs your help." Vicky urged, giving him a small push in the small of his back.

"But I don't know the first thing about flowers." Zelenka grumped, crossing his arms.

"Then I'll go." At this Zelenka sat up.

"What? What do you know about flowers?"

"Oh please, I worked in a florists for five years. I know _everything_ there is to know about flowers." The sheer look of glee on Sheppard's face once again registered as 'kodak moment' and she was tempted to run back to her quarters and fetch a camera.

"Alright! We're in business. Oh, hold on. You'll need this." Sheppard tossed a small brown velum book at her.

"What's this?"

"It's a book on the flowers. What the mean and do and where to find them and stuff. It's in Athosian so it might be a little hard to read."

"Oh, don't worry. I'm a linguist. I'll figure it out…eventually."

_**IOIOIO**_

Some time later…

Warm and fuzzy. Like that teddy bear he had when he was four that you could put a hot water bottle in, except, instead of feeling the fuzziness of the bears stomach against his cheek, he felt warm and fuzzy all over. What a nice place, no reason to leave it…

"RODNEY! FOR CHRIST SAKE! GET UP!"

Rodney sat up do fast he ended up getting dizzy and falling back onto the floor.

"Oh, where am I?" Bright lights swirled in front of his eyes and he found himself resisting the urge to throw up over the nice shiny shoes he was looking at. Hold on, that wasn't right, you don't look at peoples shoes, you look at their faces.

Straining his neck, he managed to look up into the rather disgruntled a fuzzy face of Beckett. Not properly fuzzy, like, manly stubble fuzzy, but rather blurred, like an oil painting gone horribly wrong.

"What happened, where am I?" Rodney asked…well…he tried to ask. What he actually said was somewhere more along the lines of. "Whapen Weremie?"

"Rodney, I unfortunately don't speak McKayish, now I speak English and Scottish and even a little Irish but not whatever the hell you just said."

"Wem-aye? Waylibeh, shez eremot ago. Ma tang?" Carson laughed, being reminded eerily of Jar-jar Binks as Rodney tried to get up, only to fall back, flat on his arse.

"Rodney, ya alright there lad?"

"Ma tang? I canufee ma tang? Carsonepme? Ma tang?" Carson eased the scientist back onto the bed.

"Rodney? You're not making any sense…can you understand me?"

"Cursacan!" Rodney snapped. "Buma tang? TANG! TONGUE!"

"You're tongue? Something wrong with it? Open you mouth." Rodney did as he was told and taking out his penlight, Carson had a look.

"Well Rodney, I had a little sconce around and I think I know the problem."

"Wah?"

"Well apart from the fact you're an absolute eejit, you appear to have bitten your tongue when you fell out of bed. Your tongue is swelling."

"AH! AAH! Swellen? NO! Matangfillamot, chokma?"

"No, Rodney. It's not going to choke you." Carson sighed. "Bloody hell, you're a walking catastrophe, you know that? It looks like it's going down but it's going to be sore for a while and it'll take a good ten minutes to go back to normal. No spicy food for you."

"Marys?"

"MRE's? Yeah, as long as you don't have the Cajun chicken."

"Wegohcajuniken?"

"Yes, Rodney, we do. Ah, Doctor Weir. I was just waking him up." Carson turned and smiled at the doctor as she entered to find Rodney perched at the edge of the bed, looking like a lost little boy.

"What happened here?" She asked, noticing the red patch on Rodney's forehead that was rapidly darkening into a bruise.

"Rodney, here, being the wonderful smart man that he is, fell off the bed." Carson teased, earning a dark glare from the man in question.

"Rodney? Are you alright?" He nodded, not wanting to let on that he was talking like a tellytubby.  
"Oh, he'll be fine. I was jus' about ta release him actually. D'ya want to take him down to his quarters? I'd feel a little bad letting him go on his own after such a recent head trauma." Carson said with a large smile, patting Rodney's head.

"Yourvel." Rodney hissed and Carson laughed.

"I know. Now, off with you and if you come back once more, I'll beat you to death with a salmon." Whistling a jovial tune Carson walked off.

"Mad." Rodney said, trying desperately not to sound like an absolute eejit which was very hard considering the rest of him wasn't cooperating.

"He's in a funny mood today, I'll give you that." Weir said, putting an arm around Rodney and helping him up. "You okay?"

_I passed out, I didn't lose the use of my legs_, Rodney thought irritably, _not that I mind having her arm around me, that rocks_.

Whatever was going on in his head, he simply nodded to Weir, slipping on his shoes.

"Rodney…can I walk with you?"

_NO!_

He nodded.

_Stupid head! Listen to me! Your brain! I SAID NO! STOP NODDING! HEY! SIT BACK DOWN! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! MY ASS IS REVOLTING AGAINST MY BRAIN!_

Oblivious to Rodney's internal warfare, Elizabeth walked close to Rodney, their shoulders bumping together from closeness. Elizabeth wallowed convulsively a few times as they neared his quarters and she knew it was either now or never.

"Rodney?"

"Mmm?"

"Since out plans for dinner were so abruptly cancelled and since the cafeteria is closed now and since you also haven't eaten in a while…"

_Is it just me or is Elizabeth babbling? I better listen, this could be important…either that or incredibly embarrassing. Either way, worth listening to._

"Well, I grabbed two MRE's, not realising how long you'd be in the infirmary. We still need to have that talk so I was wondering if…you would like to have dinner with me?"

A cease fire between his brain and body was called as they both cried in unanimous accord.

"YES!"

"I'll see you in…about…two hours? That'll give you time to freshen up and for me to finish up in the Gateroom."

_Freshen up? What's wrong with…OH! THE SMELL! I SMELL LIKE TOILET CLEANER! GAH!_

"Kay."

_I wonder if she's noticed I'm only using monosyllabic words. Damn swelling, if this doesn't go down soon!_

"I'll see you then, Rodney." The smile on Weir's face was infectious and he found himself smiling back, however the smile soon slipped into a shocked, disbelief when Elizabeth reached over and kissed his cheek. He was still staring off into space when Weir disappeared around the corner.

_Hold on, that's not right. She just kissed me! I bet this is one of Major Sheppard's pranks, I mean after what he did to Ford he's capable of anything. But then again…we don't have proof that it was him…but…NO Elizabeth wouldn't do that. She must be serious! Hold on! NO! Really, really good looking woman don't just come up to me, walk me to my room, ask me out to dinner and kiss me. No! It just DOES NOT HAPPEN! Not to me! Not to Rodney Quentin McKay! Not in this galaxy! …hold on…we are in a different Galaxy. Maybe by some weird turn of events my luck has changed…either that or alien spores have taken over Elizabeth's mind…Okay. Maybe I watch a little to much Star Trek. They may call me Spock behind my back but she is certainly no Leila Kalomi. That was a really good episode. Ah well…_

Rodney keyed opened his door and stepped inside, his mind racing.

_She has been acting a little strange lately, maybe I should ask Carson to check her out…no…that'd just be silly._

McKay's stomach grumbled loudly and he groaned giving it a rueful rub…instead of feeling soft, plump skin he felt the ridges for the foundation for a six pack. It was barely noticeable and when he looked at his stomach he certainly couldn't see it but the more he looked at himself in the mirror, the more he realised…he looked really different than when he had left Canada for Antarctica. His hair was shorter than before and he was certainly after shedding a few pounds in favour of muscle. In fact, if he had his say in it…he looked damn sexy. With a grin he began to dance his way to the bathroom.

"I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts."

He sang to himself, slipping his jacket down his arms and then swinging it over his head. Letting it fly to the other side of the room he began to pull his blue shirt over his head.

"And I'm too sexy for Milan. Too sexy for Milan. New York and Japan!"

Tossing it to the other side of the room he began to sway his hips in time with the music in his head.

"And I'm too sexy for your party. Too sexy for your party. No way I'm disco dancing."

His two shoes flew sailed across the room as he gave a little twirl and a shimmy. Strutting into the bathroom he gave a Tom Jonesque swing of his hips and his ran his thumbs along the waistband of his pants.

"I'm a model, you know what I mean. And I do my little turn on the catwalk."

The pants were dropped and he gave a little spin, stepping out of his pants.

"Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah. I do my little turn on the catwalk."

The underpants were twirled over his head and tossed on top of the towel rack as he spun around, still dancing. Little did he know that the walky talky was recording every word.

He rubbed his hand along his stomach again, smiling at himself in the bathroom mirror. As much as he liked looking at his new flat stomach and firmer chest he still had to clean up and get over to Elizabeth's so she could admire them too.

"Damn, this is gonna be a great night…hey! My lisp is gone, the swelling must be going down." He opened his mouth and examined his tongue, it looked about regular size, Carson had said ten minutes after all.

With a shrug Rodney stepped into the shower and grabbed his shampoo. He soaped up his hair and began to hum to himself. He was going to have dinner with Elizabeth, Elizabeth. THE Elizabeth. The one that he'd been dreaming about since Antarctica, the most beautiful and wonderful woman he had ever met. Sure, Samantha Carter had really great legs but…it was just the way Weir made him feel. It was odd. As he put his head under the spray he began to sing to himself. It was a bad habit he had since he was little, it was like the moment the spray hit him he became a shower radio and would belt out whatever was on his mind. It was one of the best kept secrets in the universe except for the fact that a certain sneaky Czech.

"The lights are on, but you're not home.

your mind, is not your own.

Your palm sweats, your body shakes.

another kiss, is what it takes.

You can't sleep, no, you can eat.

There's no doubt, you're in deep.

Your throat is tight, you can't breathe.

Another kiss is all you need!

Woah, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff. Oh yeah!

Closer to the truth, to say ya, can't get enough.

Woah you're gonna face to face it you're addicted to love.

You see the sign, but you can't read.

We're running at, different speeds.

Your heart beats, in double time.

Another kiss, and you'll be MIIINEE!

One track mind!

You can't be saved.

Oblivan, is all you crave.

If there's some left for you. you don't mind if you do.

Woah, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff. Oh yeah!

Closer to the truth, to say ya, can't get enough.

Woah you're gonna face to face it you're addicted to love.

Might as well face it your addicted to love.

Might as well face it your addicted to love.

Might as well face it your addicted to love.

Might as well face it your addicted to love.

The lights are on, but you're not home.

Your will is not your own.

Your palm sweats, your teeth grind.

Another kiss, and you'll be mine!

Woah, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff. Oh yeah!

Closer to the truth, to say ya, can't get enough.

Woah you're gonna face to face it you're addicted to love.

Might as well face it your addicted to love.

Might as well face it your addicted to love.

Might as well face it your addicted to love.

Might as well face it your addicted to love."

He finished towelling off his hair and threw on a bathrobe, oblivious to the radio now hidden by the steam. Too bad both Zelenka and Sheppard were off world.

_**IOIOIO**_

A/N: (Falls on the floor laughing as hard as she can, rolling around till she hits something) Oh, I'm sorry, just the wonderful mental imagery. Okay, Rodney sang. I even gave him two songs and a strip tease to make up for my lateness. Also, did you notice that half way through addicted to love there is the exact sound a dart makes? Well it's in my version anyway and mine is an Atlantis Music Vid but its an image of Ford at that moment, not a dart. Unless Ford was making really coold sound FX, in which case...GO FORD!

Now, next stop, Teyla. (Snigger) Gotta wonder how poor Sheppard is going to get back to his regular colour. Also, sorry it took me so long to post this one. I haven't been able to write and when I have, I haven't been in the mood. There was a death of someone I knew and as you can guess, comedy doesn't come easy to you when you're mourning. Okay, now, the Czech words I used were as follows.

_Kráva: (Swear word)_

_Kříženec: (Swear word)_

_Nemluvit: don't talk_

_Neptej se: don't ask!_

_Milenec: lover, true love._

I love the Czech language, especially the accent. YEAH! Also, may be going to Prague soon. BOOYA! (Sorry, very excited) well, I hope you like the THIRTEEN pages. It's really long. A whole page longer than my other longest Chapter which was in a Voyager Fanfic called Frozen Hearts. It's kinda on the backburner to this one 'cause everyone seems to like it better. My friend wants me to enter this into a competition but I don't think so. Maybe if I get a lot of reviews (Hint hint, wink wink, nudge nudge) Also, I may not be able to post the next chapter for a while 'cause I'm after getting back into an old fic called Childs Play. I'll post the first chapter soon. It's a McWeir one so keep your fingers crossed.


	6. Walking aroud in his underwear again

Revenge, two sugars, no milk.

By Estellio

Rating: Pg-13

Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.

Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee) name calling, animal noises and nakedness?

Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.

A/N: He he he. I have a dirty mind.

_**IOIOIO**_

Vicky looked up at the two 'brave adventurers' and smiled from where she sat. No wonder you had to pick flowers to prove our worth, all the flowers on Athos grew in impossible places to reach. Under water, up trees, on the sides of canyons and….as the boys were finding out, up mountains. Not that she minded that they had to climb a lot, it afforded her a spectacular view of their backsides. A view she was taking full advantage of as she tied the separate bundles of flowers and put them in the basket.

"I'M LOSING MY GRIP!" Sheppard's voice carried and Vicky watched in horror as he slipped, colliding full force into Zelenka sending them tumbling down the mountain side.

"Oh my God, they're going to kill themselves!" Vicky grabbed the medikit and ran to where they were rolling towards. All too late she arrived and watched them soar off the edge of a rock ledge, right over the lake, where they unceremoniously were dumped in. Immediately she threw the kit away and pulled off her jacket, flaking towards the lake at top speed.

Before she reached the shore, Zelenka's head broke the water, quickly followed by Sheppard.

"YOU ABSOLUTE HLUPÁK !"

"DON'T BLAME ME! HOW WAS I TO KNOW THE LEDGE WAS GOING TO CRUMBLE?"

"BY THE FACT IT VAS COVERED IN CRACKS!"

"I DIDN'T SEE ANY CRACKS!"

"YOU'RE BLOODY VELL CRACKED!"

"GUYS! COP ON AND GET OUT OF THE WATER! GOD KNOWS WHAT'S IN THERE!" She shouted out to them. That seemed to shake the two of them out of their immediate aggression and they both swam towards the shore quickly.

"Look at me, I'm all wet." Zelenka grumbled angrily as he pulled off his squelching boots.

"You'll dry off, it could have been worse." Vicky said, checking him for any sign of a serious injury.

"Polib mi prdel." He snapped, stripping off his saturated jacket and ringing it out.

"Maybe later." Zelenka's head snapped up and he smiled, his bad mood lifting. "Come here Sheppard, I have to check if anything's broken or fractured."

"Try his brain." Radek offered, stripping off the rest of his wet clothes.

"Apart from a few scratched, ye're fine but I'd like to get ye back to Carson for a check up. Who knows what you've done to yourselves. Come on, get these wet clothes off of you." Sheppard pulled off his jacket and T-shirt and wrung them out.

"You better take off your socks and shoes or your going to blister. Put them out on the rocks to dry. I have to finish off binding the bunches anyway." Sheppard nodded and lay out his jacket and T-shirt on the rocks with his socks and shoes but refused to remove his pants.

"Major? Your pants are wet too."

"I'm not taking them off." She raised an eyebrow.

"You do have underwear on…right?"

"Yeah."

"Then take them off, I've seen guys underwear before. I grew up with two brothers."

"…No. Lets leave it at that."

"Major. OFF! I'm not going to let you catch hypothermia on my watch, right? Carson would kill me." Sheppard hesitated. "If you don't take them off, I will." Sheppard bit his lips.

"The thing is…they're white."

"So?"

"White goes see through in water and you know it." Vicky smiled.

"Trust me Major, I've seen it all before."

"Yes, but you haven't seen _mine_." Vicky sighed and rolled her eyes.

"If you want, I'll go over there and finish with your precious flowers. That'll give you more time to dry off and I wont see a thing. Okay?" Sheppard didn't look pleased with the arrangement at all but nodded.

"Alright…but turn around." Vicky gave an exaggerated sigh and turned to find Radek sitting on a rock with her jacket on.  
"HEY! That's my jacket give it back!"

"_You _haveaT-shirt and pants. I do not."

"Still…it scares me that it fits you and I left Earth expecting to _not_ have my clothes stolen by guys."

"Zat happened on Earth?"

"My brother was a very slight build. Now, jacket."

"No, I'm cold." He said grinning. Vicky just crossed her arms and made her way back to where the basket was. She was half way there when a roar sounded and she swung back to see Sheppard and Zelenka staring in horror as a lizard like thing came out of the water and began to eat their clothes.

"Hovno. _Zat_ was in ze water? Ze water _we_ were in?" Zelenka said, clearly spooked.

"Apparently." The beast bit into Sheppard P90 and began to munch happily on it as two of its comrades joined the feast. A fourth one slid out of the water near them and began to sniff the air. Obviously getting their scent. "Lets say we go back to Atlantis…like…_now_."

"Agreed." As the beast lumbered towards them they began to run. The giant Komodo Dragons all turned and began to move after them with surprising speed considering their size and build but the humans were faster and reached the gate quickly.

"DIAL IT UP!" As the Gate sprung to life, Sheppard began to panic even worse.

"I don't have my IDC?"

"VAT!"

"I left it with my clothes."

"Zkurvysyne, zose lizards have probably already eaten it by now."

"Silly men." Vicky said, pushing past as she typed in a code to the IDC on her wrist.

"You've an IDC?"

"I'm on SG-8, smartass." Vicky said, stepping through the gate calmly. A tongue lashed out and caught the sleeve of Zelenka's jacket. It's barbs tearing away the whole sleeve.

"HOVNO!" He swore, leaping through the gate with Sheppard close behind.

"What took ye so long…MY JACKET! WHAT DID YOU DO!" Sheppard picked himself up off the floor with a groan as the gate shut off.

"Maj…or…Where are your pants?" Elizabeth stopped, half way to the group.

"They got eaten. You don't have a spare set on you, do you?"

"No…I don't. What happened, I though ye were flower picking?"

"…We were. Eh…Well...you see…"

"He slipped off a ledge sending him and Radek into the lake. They got soaked and took off their clothes and then dragons came out of the water and ate them. They tried to eat us too and would have if I didn't bring my IDC because _someone_ let theirs get eaten." Vicky said, yawning "Well, I've had enough excitement for one day."

"I concur." Zelenka said, pulling the jacket around him, leaving Sheppard standing in the control room, once again, in his underwear.

"Really, you have to stop making a of this." Elizabeth said, looking him up an down.

"What, don't you like seeing me in my underwear?" Elizabeth shook her head and John pause. "Hold on…you've done something with your hair."

"What? No I haven't."

"Yes you do…It looks…you're wearing makeup too!"

"Can't I wear makeup now?" Sheppard grinned.

"That's why you're wearing a pair of jeans and a black silk shirt beneath your jacket. I can see right through you Elizabeth Weir, you're all done up. Who is he?"

"I have no idea what your talking about."

"Your hair, it's all clean and you obviously got it cut and straightened in the barbers. You're wearing makeup, wearing really pretty clothes and…" He sniffed the air. "If I'm not mistaken that's perfume!"

"Go home Sheppard."

"Come on, who is it Liz. You can tell me!"

"Can't a girl just make herself up every once and a while?" Sheppard grinned.

"Lizzy's got a boyfriend, Lizzy's got a boyfriend."

"You're such a child." Elizabeth said, walking off but Sheppard was relentless. Taking a blanket offered to him by one of the Lieutenant he followed Elizabeth into the corridor, still singing away to himself. "Sheppard, while you're still able to walk, go." She turned the corner at stopped at her room.

"Wooo, who's quarters are these?" He teased. With a smile she keyed open the door.

"They're mine, Major. Now, get some pants and head to the infirmary."

"OH MY GOD! YOU'RE HAVING DINNER WITH SOMEONE! I SAW THE TABLE SET UP!"

"SHEPPARD! GO!" She said, giving him a shove out the door. Laughing away to himself, Sheppard continued down the hall to his significantly further away quarters.

"Morning." He saluted to two stunned Scientists in the hallway and recognised them as the 'shaking that ass' singing girls from a few days ago. They now just stood there, gobsmacked, staring at him dressed only in a small blanket around his waist. "Lovely day for walking around in a blanket, don't you think?" Oh, he was never going to hear the end of this but he might as well enjoy it while it lasted.

CLICK

OH. MY. GOD.

He turned slowly. One of the girls was holding a camera and grinning.

"I didn't say take a picture!"

"Yeah," One of the girls said smiling. "But it'll last longer." The two girls broke down in a fit of laughter and Sheppard hurried away. His fleeing didn't last long as he collided full force into.

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!"

"Kavanagh!" Sheppard froze, his towel had slid down. The girls were staring. The camera raised. "NO!" He dove for the towel, even as he heard a click and the two scientists ran off, screaming happily to everyone in ear shot about his ass. "Damn, damn, damn, damn. Why does this keep happening to me!"

"You're wet! Now I'M wet. I'll have to go back and change. I mean _really_. The management of this place is laughable at best. I'm surprised the Wraith haven't wiped us all out yet!" Sheppard wrapped the blanket around him again.

"You know, Kavanagh. You have a problem, a real problem with authority. You don't like it, there's a door there. Walk through it." Sheppard said, pointing towards the door to his right.

"Oh please, that's a door to the balcony."

"Yeah, I knew that. I'm still waiting." With his nose in the air, Kavanagh turned and left. "YOU KNOW! LONG HAIR LIKE YOURS HAS A TENDENCY TO GET CUT MYSTERIOUSLY IN THE NIGHT!" Kavanagh grabbed his hair protectively and turned around the corridor.

"Watch it Maggie." Rodney hissed, rounding the corner. "Major, your surprisingly…undressed. Was there a blanket party and no one told me?" Sheppard looked him up and down.

"Rodney…cologne."

"What?"

"You smell of cologne...and your hair…it's gelled."

"No it's not."

"You're wearing a shirt. Rodney? Why are you wearing a shirt!"

"What, can't a guy change out of his uniform ever once and a while?"

"And your wearing black pants, and shiny shoes!"

"So?"

"IT'S YOU!"

"What? Yes Major, it _is_ me. Are you sure you're all right?"

"ELIZABETH IS MEETING YOU!" Rodney stopped.

"What?"

"When I met her in the control room, she was all done up. Make-up, hair, perfume, silky shirt. The works! It was for you! This is terrible!"

"What? Why? Major, our personal life is none of your business." _Oh that sounded wrong_.

"I'm going to lose soooo much money. Vicky is going to win it all. NO! I said _next _week. She said this week. This is terrible. Why did she tell me about that stupid poll. Why!"

"Major…" Rodney raised an eyebrow, taking a step back. "You're making _very_ little sense." Sheppard shook his head.

"Of course you don't know about the poll. Ah well, I'll leave you two hummingbirds to it then." John slapped Rodney on the back. "Go get her you dog you Raar."

"Oooh. Disturbing. Hold on…what the hell do you mean, hummingbirds?" Sheppard made another raar noise and clawed the air.

"Like a tiger, a tiger." Rodney nodded with a fake smile.

"Riiiiight. Report to infirmary…now." Sheppard laughed as he rounded the corner, leaving a stunned Rodney. "Hold on…did he say there was a poll?" Shaking his head Rodney continued to Elizabeth's quarters. As he waited outside the door he sniffed the air. He didn't overdo it on the cologne? Did he? He just always got so nervous when it came to dates…not that this was a date or anything…with his fairly hot boss. Oh no, there were rules against that sort of thing. No, this was just dinner with his fairly hot boss.

"Rodney?" Weir smiled when she opened the door. "Come on in."

**_IOIOIO _**

Sheppard towelled his hair dry and looked in the mirror. Strange, his hair didn't look any different than it normally did…maybe he should get it cut…I mean it was going a little bit…well…everywhere!

"Nah." He tossed the towel onto the nearby chair and opened his wardrobe. Rifling through for a few moments he pulled out his favourite, warm woolly jumper and a pair of navy slacks. Once he had gotten redressed he threw himself onto his bed and grabbed his copy of war and peace.

"Time for some relaxation, lord knows I deserve it." He sighed, opening the book. "Page Twelve…" A beep from his nearby console interrupted his reading and he turned to look at it. The screen was a pale blue and there was a red light flashing above it. "What the…it's never done _that_ before." He roled off his bed, dropping his book on his bed side locker. The console beeped again and Sheppard sat in front of it.

"AH, Sheppard." Zelenka's face appeared on the screen.

"WHAT THE! How are you doing that?"

"Through the Comm. System. Didn't you know you could do that?"

"NO!"

"Oh, well." Zelenka shrugged as he typed in a command into the system. "Check this out. When I came back I noticed I had a message waiting for me. Listen."

"_I'm a model, you know what I mean. And I do my little turn on the catwalk._

_Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah. I do my little turn on the catwalk."_

Sheppard's eyes widen in a this does not compute', way that Zelenka was familiar seeing from Androids and Cyborgs on Sci-fi shows. Sheppard's imitation did them proud.

"Is that…Rodney?"

"Da, but listen. There's more!"

"NO! I don't wanna hear it! That's DISTURBING!"

"_Damn, this is gonna be a great night…hey! My lisp is gone, the swelling must be going down."_

"A great night? A great night for what, what swelling?"

"It gets better, listen."

"_The lights are on, but you're not home._

_your mind, is not your own._

_Your palm sweats, your body shakes._

_another kiss, is what it takes."_

Sheppard screamed and fell of the chair, his hands over his ears.

"TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! NO! NOOOOOO!"

"Sheppard? Sheppard? Are you alright?" The silence was even more disturbing that Sheppard earlier screams. "MAJOR?"

"What happened?" Vicky asked, coming up behind him.

"I think he went into Cardiac Arrest! CALL CARSON! QUICKLY!"

**IOIOIO**

"And then he said, Wife! I thought she was your sister!" Elizabeth grabbed her mouth and willed the wine not to come shooting out of her nose.

"You didn't?"

"I did, I had a black eye for weeks but ah, it was worth it." Rodney sat back in his chair with a smug grin, his hands behind his head. "So. You get up to any misadventures in college. I bet you were a goody two shoes." Elizabeth took another sip of wine as she shook her head.

"Actually, I was a bit of a rebel in college." Rodney scoffed loudly. "What? Is it that hard to believe?"

"I dunno, you always seemed to…hippy to be a bad ass."

"Excuse me?" Elizabeth's eyes widened as she stared at Rodney.

"Uh. I mean…I…Uh…I didn't mean to insult you!"

Rodney's screw up counter: 1

Elizabeth was too must laughing to listen to the litany of words Rodney was spewing forth.

"Hippy? Please don't tell me I come across as a hippy?" Rodney calmed down a bit.

Rodney's screw up counter: 0

"Well. A little. I mean, not much but you do seem to have very pacifistic…flower power kinda views?"

"Flower power? Oh please, next thing you'll be saying you can imagine me standing on a park bench burning bra's for women's rights and all that malarkey."

"Malarkey? What is that, some kind of hippy code?" Elizabeth was laughing even harder now.

"Rodney, Rodney stop. Seriously" She wiped a tear from her eye and sat back, stretching her hands above her head. Rodney immediately wished she hadn't because

A) She was wearing a shirt

B) She was a lot better endowed in the general chest area than he was.

C) He wasn't going to be able to stop staring any time soon.

"So…how's everything working out at the top?" Elizabeth smiled.

"Oh, same old, same old. Reports, debriefing, paperwork, briefing, reports, debriefing, briefing, coffee, de briefing. Every now and again I get to sleep."

"Wow, sleep? What's that?" She laughed again, her eyes locking with Rodney's. He felt his heart leap at her gaze and smile and fought the urge to just lean over and kiss her.

"Rodney." Her voice was soft and he found it hard to breath. Her hand was reaching out to his, which lay on the table next to his MRE.

"Dr. McKay." He shook his head.

"Oh toss off." He growled at his headset.

"Dr. McKay, please respond." The panicked voice of Dr. Kusinagi came over his Comm. Again. The moment was ruined as Elizabeth sat back.

"McKay here, go ahead."

"Uh…it's glowing."

"What is?"

"The lab."

"What in the lab?"

"No, sir, the whole lab."

"WHAT! I'll be right there." Elizabeth was already up and she walked him to the door. Just before she opened it, Rodney put a hand on her shoulder.

"Thank you for the lovely meal, Elizabeth. We should do it again some time." She smiled warmly at him.

"I'd like that." Without warning she reached up and kissed his cheek. "I'll see you in the morning."

_Rodney's screw up counter: -1000_

Rodney all but floated out of her room and to the lab.

She had kissed him, of her own violation…and they were having diner again, and she'd like that and she'd see him in the morning!

"BOOYA!" Rodney McKay danced the rest of the way to the lab, earning several curious looks from scientist who were still up and about but he found he couldn't care. She had kissed him. Elizabeth Weir had kissed Rodney McKay on the cheek and it wasn't for a dare or a bet or under alien influence or nothing. That, and they were having dinner again. Next time, he was going to kiss her.

With a little skip he entered his luminous yellow lab and the regular Rodney was in place, barking out orders. Funny, when he stepped into the lab it seemed to brighten a little.

"Okay, who touched something they weren't supposed to?"

**IOIOIO**

A/N: This would be longer and there would have been a proper dinner scene if people weren't constantly telling me to hurry up. I mean, I posted the last chapter 10 days ago for crying out loud! I never said I'd post weekly, that and I have other fanfics. I haven't updated Frozen Hearts in nearly a month! Bloody slave drivers. (Shakes fist at you) Well anyway, hope you enjoyed. Half Naked personnel, Margaret Thatcher's hair threatened, pictures taken, animal noises, cardiac arrest, bad jokes, name calling, kissing, dancing, singing and glowing. Tune in next time, same bat time, same bat channel.

(DAMN YOU RYAN! YOU GOT THAT STUPID QUOTE STUCK IN MY HEAD)

The Czech I used in the story is as follows (I love swearing in other languages!)

Hlupák – idiot. (They have a LOT of ways to say idiot)

Hovno – Oh shit.

Zkurvysyne – son of a bitch.

Polib mi prdel – Kiss my ass. (Ha, I said this to my Science teacher. She had no idea what I said.)


	7. Colourful Revelations

Revenge, two sugars, no milk.

By Estellio

Rating: Pg-13

Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.

Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee)

Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.

A/N: There just really hasn't been enough Ford in this fic so I present to you, Lt. Aidan Ford! Also, just a few Ode to legends. I meant to put this in last chapter but I was in a hurry.

**Fanwoman: **Thank you for your email. (hugs you) also lad to know your enjoying it. I mean, wouldn't you just love a pic of Shep in his underwear? I know I would…(Goes off to do Google Image Search)

**PurpleYin: **It was early in the morning. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it! Quick explanation jotted in, in this chapter. Hope it helps. Don't hurt me.

**Peanut, spartansam086** **and Orka: **Bloody slave drives grumble, grumble Hold on…Teddy Bear shaped. OMG! DON'T HURT ME!

**Abby Lockharte-Carter: **You absolute, freaking legend! (Shakes your hand) For those of you that don't know she sent me the meaning of Steatopygias.

(an excessive development of fat on the buttocks that occurs especially among women of the Hottentots and some black peoples) You're so cool! You had to be mentioned.

Now that I've mentioned the legends for the week, onto the fic. Don't worry. I love the rest of ye too. Silent Cobra, Pentagon Merlin, szhismine, Erin, Shippie, hnyswtypie. Too many to name but ye all rock my socks! Nearly at 60 reviews! OMG! That's like more than all my other reviews put together (Dies)

_**IOIOIO**_

SPLASH!

Major Sheppard opened his eyes and briefly wondered why he was wet. The question was answered when he saw Lt. Ford standing over him with an empty glass of water.

"FORD! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR!"

"You were out for the count, Sir. You didn't wake up when I shouted your name or slapped you."

_That explains the pain in the jaw._

"You hit me!"

"I tried to wake you up, you've been missing for nearly ten hours. When Zelenka said the last time he saw you, you were in your quarters I came here and found the door ajar." Sheppard gave Ford what he hoped was a disbelieving look. It looked more sleepy to Ford but that wasn't the point.

"Ford, in case it's escaped your notice, the door are slidey. They can't be ajar!" Ford bit his lip. Busted!

"Well, Sir. We better get you down to Beckett's anyway. You might have done some damage when you fell. What happened anyway?" Sheppard paused, thinking back.

"I'm not sure, one minute I'm listening to McKay singing in the shower and the next…flat on my back. I can't explain it." Ford was silent for several moments.

"Hold on, you were watching McKay in the shower?"

"_Listening_. Not watching." Sheppard clutched his head as he got to his feet groggily. "Damn, I feel like I was just blasted by the G-force of a landing Boeing."

"What, Sir?" Sheppard looked at the shorter Lieutenant and shook his head.

"Never mind. You wouldn't understand…Please, stopping banging that drum." Ford regarded his superior with scepticism.

"Come on, you better get to sickbay, Sir."

_**IOIOIO**_

Eight hours, two minutes and three seconds after he had arrived in the lab, Rodney had finally decided that a glowy lab…might not be so bad.

"I've no idea." Zelenka said, sinking down onto the bench next to him. "There doesn't appear to be any interface from ze lab to ze lights at all. No button, trigger, switch, panel…nothing." The Czech swiped of his glasses and rubbed his eyes wearily before placing them back on. "Not only that, but it's not drawing any power from the naquadah generators so…there must be an outside source of some kind."

"A ZPM?" McKay asked, suddenly very curious, if not very tired.

"No, we would have seen a power spike on internal sensors. As far as I can tell this thing is running off…petal juice."

"…" McKay stared at him as if he had suddenly gone mad. "Petal juice?"

"It's a phrase! It means it's running on sweet fanny adams." Zelenka said irritably. "This is a complete contradiction of every law of physics there is!" Zelenka sighed wearily. "I don't know. Maybe it runs off…body heat or something." Both scientists paused.

"EVERYBODY OUT!"

The entire lab was vacated except for Zelenka and McKay…and the light only seemed to get brighter.

"Podivuhodny, there goes that theory." Zelenka muttered, sitting back down.

"Maybe it needs a moment." Rodney said, uncharacteristically optimistic.

"You know, Rodney, if I didn't know any better…I'd say you were in a good mood…why?"

"What? No! I'm not in a good mood, I'm in an exceptionally foul mood, the lab is glowing, in case you missed that fact!"

"Rodney?"

"Yeah."

"You didn't shout or pull a face. Regardless of ze luminosity of ze lab…it seems to me zat you're…happy?"

"Don't be absurd, I haven't even had my coffee yet." Zelenka smiled.

"You know, Rodney. Your hair, you've been running your hands through it but it's not mussed at all…one would think that you use…" immediately Zelenka was up and had run a hand through Rodney's hair. "HAIR GEL!" Rodney immediately scowled at Zelenka, his hand moving protectively to his hair.

"What this got to do with anything?"

"Nothing, but I vant to know why your hair is gelled."

"Margarine was dropped on me from a great height! That is why my hair looks gelled. Alright?" Zelenka snickered.

"Margarine?"

"I don't know! Maybe it was butter or lard or bread spread! I was too busy being UNCONSCIOUS!" Zelenka smiled broadly, sitting back against the table.

"Okay, lets say I do believe you about the Margarine, which, for record, I do not…Why the dressiness?"

"That so isn't a word."

"You know what I mean." Rodney chewed his lip a moment. Willing his oh so brilliant brain to come up with a plausible excuse which didn't involve dinner, Elizabeth or dinner with Elizabeth.

"The margarine splattered and wrecked my uniform. Everything else, except my formal clothes, is in the wash basket. I haven't done laundry since we got here." The stunned silence gave Rodney all the opportunity he needed to change the conversation.

"Quickly moving on, when did this whole debacle start, no one gave me a definite answer earlier."

"Uh…It started when I walked into the lab." Rodney stopped.

"When…_you_…walked into the lab?"

"Yeah, why?" An idea struck Rodney so fast and hard that he was surprised he didn't go flying across the room in a trail of fire.

"What were you thinking at the time?" Zelenka wondered briefly if McKay had gone mad.

"Why? What does that have to do with anything?"

"Some ancient technology activates on thought, you know, like the shield. What were you thinking when you came into the lab?" Zelenka paused, trying to remember.

"I can't remember? Eh…I'm entering the lab?"

"THINK ZELENKA!"

"Muj buh, I don't know!" he paused and grinned. "Actually…"

"Yes, yes. What is it?" Rodney asked, slightly impatient.

"I can't tell you, it's not proper."

"…"

"…"

"…You were having dirty thoughts, weren't you…you dirty, dirty Czech. I mean really….are you sure?"

"Yes, tonight is the first time Vicky and I shall be sharing a room…alone…together…all night."

"I get the picture." Rodney said tightly, trying to control the rampant fantasies about a rather sexy boss that _that_ conjured in his mind while suppressing the unwanted mental imagery of a rather inappropriately dressed Czech and Finnian doing _very_ inappropriate things. "Was there anything else? Did you have a fleeting thought that it was too dark in the room or something?"

"If it was fleeting, would I remember? But no, I can see adequately. Or at least could, I'm getting rather tired and my eyes a blurring."

"Poor baby". Rodney said dispassionately, trying to think of a reason why this would happen. "Zelenka, step outside for a moment." The Czech raised an eyebrow but stepped outside willingly. Although the light dimmed considerably, it was still there…but now a rather pleasant shade of amber.

_Like her eyes._

The thought was fleeting but the moment it crossed his mind the walls changed to have stroked of green through it.

_Exactly like her eyes!_

"ZELENKA! HERE! NOW! ALONE!" Zelenka stepped into the room and Rodney stepped out, leaving the door open. "Alright, think about her eyes."

"Who's eyes?"

"Nicky's."

"Vicky's?"

"Right, Mickey's."

"VICKY'S!" The room had turned a scarlet and black roiling colour but the moment Zelenka calmed and closed his eyes, picturing her eyes…the room turned to a silvery white.

"Wow, pretty." The young scientist next to him said quietly and Rodney nodded.

"Booya, it runs on emotion. Human emotion." Rodney said, making a little fist in the air.

"Why hasn't it been active till now? …hold on. Did you just say Booya?" The same young girl asked, tugging on her foxy haired braid.

"Yeah? Why?"

"…uh…no reason."

"Sorry, I was watching that episode of Simpsons with duffman in it. It kinda got stuck in my head…"

"Riiight. So…Why hasn't it been active till now?"

"Maybe it has but to a lesser extent. I think, the more profound the emotion, the brighter the colour. This lab was only recently discovered and only really put into use last week so…it seems…that until now there wasn't an emotion powerful enough to set it off." The young girl stepped in with Zelenka and swirls of orange began to dance along the walls and floor making an attractive fresco.

"My god, it's beautiful. I have to show this to Elizabeth." Stepping in he watched the amber and green swatches slip beneath his feet and then begin to chase the orange. They seemed to play gaily across the walls in some random game of cat and mouse.

"Dr. McKay to Dr. Weir. If you're awake….you've got to see this. It's beautiful." _Nearly as beautiful as you._

_**IOIOIO**_

On the other side of Atlantis in a distinctly less colourful room…sat a rather disgruntled Major Sheppard.

"Can I go yet?"

"No."

"Can I go yet?"

"No."

"Can I go yet?"

"No."

"Can I go yet?"

"THE MAN SAID NO!" Kavanaugh, who was in the next bed, roared. Becket looked up from where he was taking a copious amount of Sheppard blood to smile at Kavanaugh.

"Calm down now, you don't want to get Nurse. Chapel in here, do you?" Kavanaugh grimaced and turned away in a huff.

"We don't really have a nurse called Chapel? Do we?" Sheppard asked grinning.The thought was just too bizarre.

"Yes, funnily enough her name is Christine and she's a dyed blonde too. Ain't wearing a blue mini dress with a bob though."

"Chapel didn't have a bob?" .

"In series three she did." Becket said, removing the needle.

"Na ah."

"Yeah she did, but unlike their Chapel, this one doesn't have a crush on Spock."

"We have a Spock?" Beckett sighed and gave Sheppard the same look he'd give a misbehaving child.

"If I'm McCoy, and you're Kirk…what does that make Rodney?" Sheppard grinned.

"Oh yeah…but more importantly….what does that make Weir?" The two men shared a laugh before Dr. Beckett walked off with the syringe. "You're hiding the vampirism very badly, Carson!" He shouted after the doctor who waved him off.

Sheppard relaxed back onto the bed and began to count the overlapping tiles that made up the roof. He heard Kavanaugh grumbling next to him and turned to face the pony tailed scientist.

"What was that, Kavvy?"

"Nothing."

"Bet you were wondering who _you'd_ be if you were in Star Trek." Kavanaugh scoffed loudly.

"As far away from Kirk wannabe's like you!"

"No…don't be silly. I know _exactly_ who'd you be." Kavanaugh shifted to face him, raising one eyebrow half way up his expansive forehead.

"Oh really? Please, enlighten me." Sheppard grinned evilly.

"Why, you'd be the important scientist!" He said, making the Thatcher Wannabe grin smugly. "You know, the one who handles all the dangerous chemicals and entities and screws up majorly, possibly from turning too fast so your pony tail knocks a container that holds a terrible disease that makes everyone really horny but since you're locked in the room with only a pole for company, you die of arousal while the entire crew PAR-TAY!" Kavanaugh made a disgusted, snorting noise and turned away.

"You make me sick!"

"Actually, you were in sickbay first."

"Both of you! Don't make me get the sedatives!" A blonde nurse entered and pointed an accusing finger at both the patients. "I'm telling ya, on a base with all these hoity toity scientist and gung ho military types. It's enough to send a girl crazy." She said in a heavy British accent, busying herself with inspecting the bandages of a scientist who was unlucky enough to have a console explode in his general direction. Luckily he had his back turned so it didn't damage anything major like his face, chest or hands but he did have a rather…painful looking…behind. Sheppard resumed his task of counting the tiles, he had just reached 412 when Dr. Beckett came back in.

"The preliminary results are back, Major, an' I'm sorry ta say but it seems ya picked up a wee bug on the planet. It's nothing a few antibiotics can't clear up but I'd like to keep you in for observation.."

"Why? What happened?"

"Seems there was summit in that water which shouldn' a' been there. It's gonna have some strange side effects but as long as you keep your blood sugar level up and have plenty of rest, you'll be grand." Beckett smiled warmly at him and Sheppard was eerily reminded of the creepy Doctor in the new Series of Star Trek, Enterprise. The one who's smile reached his eyes…quiet literally.

"Well it should give me some thinking time but I'm really busy, you think you could do me a few favours. Have someone keep an eye on my quarters, not Ford though, cause I've a feeling if you don't then tomorrow my underwear is going to be decorating the Star Gate." Beckett didn't ask, because he _didn't_ want to know. "Oh, and could you bring me the basket of flowers from my quarters, I need to get started on the bouquet and ask Vicky if she's free. I've no idea what to do, she'll have to show me and…oh! And if you see Dr. Weir tell her that I'm gonna be outta action for the next few days." Beckett was suddenly very glad he had nursing staff to do things for him.

_**IOIOIO **_

Teyla finished threading the last of the flowers into her wreath and smiled, pleased with her work.  
"Are you finished already, child?" Sharin asked, entering the tent beside her and smiling at the wreath in her lap.

"Yes Sharin." Teyla rose and placed the wreath on a nearby shelf. "Has Major Sheppard completed his?"

"I am unsure, he declined my help and instead went with a man named Slinka."

"I believe you mean Zelenka. I was unaware they were friends."

"More like partners in crime. I do not understand his reluctance, I could have shown him the Garden's of Athos where all the flowers are grown. He would have had to climb mountains and scale the great canyon to get some of the more beautiful ones otherwise." Teyla laughed quietly to herself.

"The major seems to prefer doing everything backwards. The more difficult it is, the more manly he seems once he has completed it." Sharin nodded in understanding.

"That is why he does not shave, for manly stubble?"

"I believe that is a Terran concept of some kind. That and making loud noises come from their armpits. I have seen him and Lt. Ford do this many times." Sharin raised an eyebrow.

"A….noteworthy accomplishment." Sharin said sceptically. "However, I have come to tell you that there are only four hours left till noon , you have barely slept, nor have you gone to Shanra to have your dress fitted. She used the measurement we gave her, and the material you required but there are always bits to pull in and pull out. Then you must bathe and have the ceremonial marks drawn on your skin and…"

"I am aware of what is to be done."

"You hardly slept. I don't want you to be tired for the ceremony."

"Does any girl sleep on the eve of her courtship?" Sharin smiled suddenly and picked up the wreath.

"This is a good wreath. You made it of solid vine with hardy flowers. I see most of these flowers symbolise strength and passion. You think very highly of this man."

"I do." Sharin nodded, placing the wreath back.

"I think he's the biggest idiot I've ever met, personally, but I trust in your decision." Teyla watched her leave with wide eyes and an open jaw.

_**IOIOIO**_

The last thing Dr. Rodney McKay ever expected to see when he walked into infirmary was…well…what he was seeing now.

Nicky…Mickey…no…Vicky! Was standing in front of about five patients, including Kavanaugh and Sheppard, with a bunch of vines and showing them how to weave it.

"The trick is to use your elbow to keep the shape circular, once you tie it in, you should be fine. Any questions?" McKay watched in horror as Kavanaugh raised his hand.

"Wouldn't it just snap if you put that much tension on it?" Vicky smiled as if she was expecting the question.

"No, the vines are fairly stretchy and durable. You'll be fine. Now, if everyone can make their ring, we'll get to adding in the flowers. We've got plenty for everyone but since it's the Major who's dong the ceremony thing, he gets preference." There were a few non committal murmurs around the room as they worked on the dark brown vines they all had.

"Oh, hey Rodney. What brings you ta the infirmary, you're not hurt are ye?" He looked from the crazy spectacle to Dr. Beckett who was sitting down with a cup of that vile British stuff called Tea.

"Oh, no. I was looking for Major Sheppard." Carson smirked, taking a sip of the creamy coloured liquid.

"Well, he's a little busy at the moment, as ya might see. They're making Wreaths."

"Who died?"

"Oh no, they're not 'cause someone died, it's an Athosian custom to give a Wreath to your 'intended'."

"Intended what?" Carson gave McKay a long suffering sigh.

"You know, for the supposed smartest man in the galaxy, you're awfully dense."

"What?" Carson shook his head and looked back over at the florists. The next thing Rodney knew, tea was shooting out of Carson's nose. Looking over he watched as Kavanaugh and Bates fought over the link daises.

"Okay…We have now entered the twilight zone...Hold on, is Major Sheppard green?"

_**IOIOIO**_

I really couldn't think of anything else to write. This chapter was just one big patchwork quilt I wrote a varying hours of the morning. I'm not sure if it even makes sense but it's meant to kinda explain everything going on without me having to write and extra six pages in the next chapter. Coming up next week…ish, the ceremony, Teyla's prank and enough smurf jokes to turn you blue! I got so distracted while writing this, I've written about twenty stand alones for various things. Meh, I need a beta. I hate rereading things and I've noticed I write 'could' instead of 'couldn't' a lot which makes no sense.

He could fly, so that was out of the question

I mean, that makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER! Now, off to see Ms. Congeniality 2 because the lush Enrique Murciano is in it. My god, I'm so weak.


	8. White dungarees and WHAT!

Revenge, two sugars, no milk.

By Estellio

Rating: Pg-13

Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.

Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee)

Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.

A/N: A few things. A) Tea is great. Tea is the foundation of the civilised world and giver of life to sleepy people who can't have coffee because of that ity bity addiction that made them do crazy things...Moving swiftly on...Rodney is Canadian and it is my experience that very few Canadians and Amercians like tea (Why, it's GREAT!) But anyway, Scottish tea isn't. They brew it so weak! It's just brown water with milk in it. YUK! Thanks to everyone who reviews (hugs) I'm now up to 70! WOOHOO! (Dances) And I'd like to apologise for the following. First, cause this chappy is so short and secondly because this is the last time I'm gonna be able to post till the summer holidays. Sorry, that's a month away folks. So I'm gonna end on a nice little cliffhanger...of sorts...well...Not really a cliffhanger more of a wire hanger...Yeah, I'll jsut go away and let you read now. Oh! DOn't forget to keep up your wonderful reviewing!

_**IOIOIO**_

Hectic day? You don't know the meaning of a hectic day until you've spent a day as Dr. Elizabeth Weir. She didn't think all the coffee in the world could wake her up from this zombie like trance she was in now as she made her way to the infirmary. Early this morning she had gotten a call from Dr. McKay to come to the lab. Although it was certainly quite beautiful and worth seeing, it could have waited till after breakfast because the moment the base found out she was awake, Weir had to make herself appear in three places at once and this left no time for breakfast. Now, to top this all off with a nice big cherry…Major Sheppard was in the infirmary with some disease he got while picking flowers. How the hell was she supposed to phrase this in a report and retain any measure of seriousness? Worse than that, he currently looked like the hulk! She'd never be able to grace the SGC with her presence again without a snide remark. She could only imagine what it would be like for him.

"Mornin' Dr. Weir." Carson looked up, his usual cheerful self. Where did he get the coffee? Oh wait, it was tea…it'd do.

"Carson." She said smiling, eyeing his tea. "I've come to check on our wayward Major. Is he in?" Carson snorted at the joke and reached into his desk, taking out a bottle of Scotch.

"I think you'll need a stiff drink ta face this, lass. If not one before, you'll need one after. Also, perhaps I should wheel ya in cause I don't want to have ta treat ya for a broken Cox' now or nothin'." She stared at him blankly for a moment.

"Why…what has he done?"

"It's not what he's done, per se…more like what he's doin'." Weir rushed past Carson and into the Ward. She looked around for one moment then rushed back to him, grabbing the bottle and the glass he offered.

"Well?" He asked.

"Get up, I need to sit down." He obliging rose and she fell heavily into his place.

"I've been here nearly a year and I've seen pretty strange things. Amphibious creatures that suck the life out of your chest, electricity eating clouds, nanovirus', aliens that have ascended to a higher plane. You know, you think you'd be hard pressed to find something to shock you…but…" She downed the whiskey.

"What was wrong?"

"Bates had Kavanaugh in a headlock demanding he hand over the little blue ones. Carson…they're flower arranging."

"I know. It scares me a little too. D'ya want me to get ya a sedative? Some Vallium, opium?"

"I'm going to have to go back in there. Aren't I?"

"'Fraid so, luv."

"Carson…Was that really happening? Did I just imagine it? Am I in a coma induced hallucination."

"'Fraid not, better get you back in there then?" She put out her hand for him to take her in and she shut her eyes as they walked through the door.

"I SWEAR TO GOD! IF YOU TWO DON'T QUIT IT I'LL STRANGLE YE! GIVE ME THE YELLOW ONES! NOW! No more flowers for ye, if ye can't behave. I mean really! I thought they thought discipline in the army and I thought scientists had brains?" Weir opened her eyes to see Bates and Kavanaugh being given a dress down in front of the rest of the ward. The ward consisting of a green Sheppard, a slightly pink McKay, a bandaged scientist and two other military officers who were grinning like mad at seeing their CO being given the 'glare' by a linguist and Bates had the intelligence enough to actually look ashamed whereas Kavanaugh looked like he was ready to give as good as he got. Weir could almost see Vicky's anger rising and knew this might come to blows if she didn't intervene.

"Dr. Fox, Dr. Kavanaugh, Dr. McKay, Dr. Who, Sergeant Bates, Major Sheppard, Lt. Lester, Private Macalister." She greeted them each in turn, their heads turning to look at her in absolute mortification.

"Dr. Weir!" Sheppard said jovially, grinning his trademark smile at her. "We were just making floral wreaths. Care to join us?" He asked, waving his own at her. She had to admit, it looked nice.

"Unlike the rest of ye, I have a busy day ahead. I just came down to see how everyone is doing."

"Can't complain." John said, returning his attention to the wreath. Bates and Kavanaugh gave noncommittal grunts as they tried pointedly, not to look at each other. There was a muffled response from the bandaged Scientist and the two marines said something low that had a 'M'am' on the end.

"Well…alright then…get back to your flower arranging." She backed out…slowly.

"Okay, I'm done. Did I do it right?" Sheppard proffered her his wreath and Vicky looked it over

"It's fine. A little…brutalised but fine. Did you use the flowers you wanted?"

"Yes."

"Did you put them where I told you they have to go?"

"Yes."

"Then it's fine. Now, what time do you have to get to the mainland, anyway?"

"Noon." Vicky started.

"Major! It's eleven! Ten past actually! And it's a ten minute jump to the mainland and you're not even washed or dressed!" She grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the bed, starting a quick jog to his quarters.

"But hey, I'm meant to be in sickbay! I'm ill!" She stopped in front of his quarters and punched in a code.

"Get in there!"

"Hey, how do you know where my quarters are? And how did you get in? That's kinda creepy!"

"Get in." Vicky man handled him into the bathroom and instructed him to strip, shoving a bottle of pink shampoo into his hand.

"This isn't shampoo. This is…" _Can't tell her what it's for… _"Hand me the Head and Shoulders!" A bottle of Head and Shoulders flew through the air at him while Vicky ran into the next room and began to route through his closet for the ceremonial robes Sharin had given him.

"Hey, if I'm gonna shower then get out! This door doesn't close!"

"I've seen it all before!"

"Not mine! Get out!"

"Where are the damn ceremonial clothes!"

"In the basket!" Vicky grabbed them and lay them out on the bed before running out of the room.

"I'll have a puddle jumper prepped. Be in the bay in fifteen minutes, washed and dressed. Then we have to paint you!"  
"But the green swirls are already on my body! I look like an extra in river dance!" He said, tugging up his shirt to show his colourful midriff.

"Well there are different orange ones to be drawn on. Think about it, if they turn your skin yellow you could go naked to a Kerry GAA match."

"What's GAA?"

"…You should be ashamed of yourself for saying that, now, what I said about fifteen minutes. Start stripping." With that she was gone.

"Madness…madness."

_**IOIOIO**_

Four hours later Weir sank into her office chair, tethering dangerously on her wits end. As the leader of Atlantis she had been required to attend the ceremony…no…she wouldn't call it that. That desecrate the word ceremony…it was the …CIRCUS act that was the Athosian courtship ritual. It was bad enough that through out the whole thing John was scratching but Rodney and Zelenka were constantly fighting and Bates and Kavanaugh glared at each other for the whole thing while trying _not_ to look at each other and, on top of that, the woman who was reading the rites kept sneezing because she was allergic to Johns aftershave. Oh, and if that wasn't bad enough…John was now not only green….but purple as well! River dance extra? He looked like Barney the freakin' dinosaur! Any moment she expected him to burst into a tone deaf chorus of 'if all the raindrops' or 'I love you, you love me.'

"Will this madness never end?" Elizabeth groaned to herself, rubbing her weary eyes.

"Elizabeth! Glad I found you." Rodney burst into her office and Elizabeth fought the urge to scream until she passed out.

"Apparently not."

"What?" Rodney looked confused.

"Nothing, Rodney, I wasn't talking to you." She sighed, looking up at the far too energetic scientist.

"I'm the only person in the room, who were you talking to you? You're not hearing voices again, are you?"

"RODNEY! I was thinking our loud. What do you want, I'm tired, grumpy and I've a lot of paperwork to finish. Please, make this brief."

"Okay, three things. First, you _have_ to get Major Sheppard to unencode the chair. He's password encoded it and it shocks the person who sits on it if they don't know it!" Elizabeth smiled.

"Oh yes, I remember that. How's the ass?"

"A little tingly but otherwise fine. Now, secondly! I want Zelenka put on a team. He's driving me up the walls and down the other side. He needs projects of his own to work on, he needs to get out and stretch his skinny little legs and most importantly, he needs to get out of my hair! I can't work in these conditions anymore!"

"Suggestions noted." Elizabeth said, stretching in her chair and closing her eyes.  
"Never gonna happen, is it?"

"No." Her eyes felt so good closed she didn't have the heart to open them.

"Alright, finally…would you like to have dinner with me this evening?" Elizabeth's eyes snapped open.

"…Well…Yes. Yes I would." Rodney let loose a breath he probably didn't know he was holding and smiled brilliantly at her.  
"Right, see you tonight then. I just thought that we should, you know, have a longer dinner since our last one was cut so short and then there's that thing you wanted to talk about, you did want to talk right? And I thought, maybe, if you liked, after dinner we could talk this time instead of one of us rushing off and…"

"Rodney." Elizabeth said smiling. "You're babbling."

"I am? Right, yes…well…I am. I see…I'm just gonna go now."

"Alright, Rodney. I'll see you tonight, around seven?" Without a further word Rodney nodded, smiling like a kid who just got the candy, and left. She heard him woop loudly outside her door and couldn't help but laugh. Her reports could wait, unless she wanted to fall head first into the MRE Rodney would no doubt be serving tonight, she was going to sleep.

_**IOIOIO**_

"Okay, I have a plan."

"Major…you are aware that some of us actually have work to do." Zelenka sighed at the walky talky on his desk. Ever since the ceremony, Major Barney refused to leave his room until the colour wore off.

"No, really. I've got it all figured out. All you have to do is sneak into Dr. Weirs quarters tonight and put this bottle of shampoo in her shower. It's simple."

"If it's so simple zen vhy don't you do it?"

"You are the tech guy, you can open the doors without detection and give her some bull about a power surge. Me showing up in her quarters just looks suspicious." Zelenka rolled his eyes.

"Short answer…no. What's so special about zis shampoo anyway?"

"It's not shampoo, it's pink hair dye. Only temporary though. Don't want to be stuck cleaning the bio filters in the bowels of the city for life, do I because she'll know it was me, wont she?"

"Sheppard, zis is madness. Rodney vas one thing…"

"No, seriously, guess what. I forgot to disconnect the walky talky in Rodney's shower and I over heard him butcher a Girls Aloud song but also that he has a date, tonight, with Dr. Weir, in _his_ quarters." At this Zelenka's ears pricked.

"Really?"

"Yep. Not only that but apparently 'Waters running in the wrong direction, gotta feelin' it's a mixed up sign. I can see it in my own reflection, it's the sound of, it's the sound of…"

"Major! Kroykah! Please, no more! I do not need to know."

"It's really funny. I'm thinking of making a Cd of Rodney singing in the shower and selling it. We'd make a killing. Think about it." Zelenka laughed and picked up the walky talky.

"I'll come talk to you after my shift, da?"

"You're a saint, an evil saint, but a saint nonetheless. Did I mention a genius and great and…need I go on?"

"Actually, yes. Please Major, do."

"Egotistical son of a…really nice person. Did I mention you're really nice."

"Alright Major, I'll do it."

"Alright! Also, you don't know where I could find a fair of white dungarees, do you?"

"White dungarees? What could you possibly need those for?"

"…Teyla."

"I'm not going to ask, I'm _not_ going to ask…what do you need them for?"

"The same thing I need blue body paint for."

_**IOIOIO**_

Yes, anyone who doesn't know what GAA is should be ashamed. Best sport ever! Well...sports. Hurling and Gaelic footy. (Waves patriotic banner) Best sports ever and they're Irish! WOO! Anyway, don't forget to press that little button. you know what you have to do...REVIEW! (Oh no, back with the rhyming. This has to stop!)


	9. little tiny blips

Revenge, two sugars, no milk.

By Estellio

Rating: Pg-13

Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.

Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee) WHITE LEDERHOSEN! Innuendo and...SECHS! That's right folks. Sombody's gonna have sex but this is still Pg-13 so no graphic scenes for ye!

Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.

A/N: It hots up a little and thingsstart coming to a head. Originally this chapter was so much dirtier with innuendo left right and centre but I decided to cut down all the innuendo to just a little. I had to cut out my favourite joke (sniff sniff) anyway. I know I said I'd take ages but I've had so many free classes it's not even funny. I wrote out the whole plot to this chapter and then typed it up. Also, sniff sniff, I was going to a Sci-fi convention in London but My passport has expired and I don't have the money to renew it. I cant go! (Cries) I'm so upset...maybe this'll cheer you and me up! Also, according to Mavis Becon I type two words a minute...LOL! I went to the bathroom, forgot about it, and came back. (Falls over laughing) it took me nearly half an hour to write this A/N according to the stupid thing! Anyway...onto the fic.

_**IOIOIO**_

McKay combed his hair over one way and looked at himself in the mirror critically. He shook head and combed his hair the other way…it wasn't working for him so he combed his hair back.

"Now we're talking." He said, running to check on the Athosian 'pizza' in the 'oven'. This must have been the third time in so many minutes because

A) Rodney had no idea what the hell the thing he was cooking was and it didn't come with instructions on the box.

B) He couldn't cook anything without a microwave and a box that had instructions on them

C) He didn't have a microwave or a box but he did have this heating oven thing that was either an oven or an incinerator.

The moment of truth.

His door chimed and with a final look in the mirror to reassure himself that he looked as handsome as ever, he went to answer it. At the last minute he decided he didn't like the hair and ran a hand through it, messing it up the way he had over heard Weir say that she thought made him look boyishly cute.

_He he, she thinks I'm cute._

The doors opened with a thought and he turned his charm up to maximum levels. He was sure that if he was anymore charming Atlantis would put him in lock down and alarms would start going off.

"You're…KAVANAUGH!" The pony tailed scientist gave him a quizzical look and looked beyond him to the table lain for two with two candles flickering away happily. Not to mention the dimmed lighting and Marvin Gaye which screamed '_I have a date and I wanna get laid'_.

"McKay." The irritating American drawled. "Were you expecting someone else?" Rodney's eyes narrowed almost out of existence and in his least charming and most evil tone he all but growled.

"What do you want?"

"Zelenka is looking for a pair of white Dungarees and I was told you have a pair."

"Dungarees? What the hell makes you think I've Dungarees?"

"He said Rodney had a pair!"

"Rodney Morreto you idiot, not me. The Danish guy, and they're not Dungarees, their lederhosen! Now scram." Kavanaugh rolled his eyes.

"God McKay, honest mistake. How was I to know?"

"Especially since your brain can't function cause your tight hair is cutting off all the blood." Rodney mumbled but Kavanaugh chose to ignore him.

"Where is this Amoreto guy live anyway?" Rodney had the urge to leap on the American, frothing at the mouth and slashing blindly but resisted for the sake of his hair.

"He lives in the residential tower with all the other military personnel. Now…I am busy. Please leave." Kavanaugh just smiled and, Rodney noticed with more than a hint of irritation, didn't move.

"What's the rush? Waiting for someone and you don't want me to see?"

"Of course not, I'm dining alone. I just like the candles and Marvin Gaye. It really sets the mood don't you think?" Kavanaugh smirked and opened his mouth to say something when, like Venus rising from the waves…just not naked, Weir appeared.

"Rodney…" She said smiling and coming to stand at the door. "…And Kavanaugh." She said with more than a trace less of enthusiasm.

"Yes, do you have the reports, Elizabeth?" Rodney asked, trying to divert the fact that this was, in fact, a date but even Kavanaugh was not stupid enough to fall for that so Rodney shot a desperate look to Weir. One moment was all his brain took to register the 'WOW!' factor and Rodney's jaw dropped.

She was wearing an aqua coloured top cut low enough to make him drool but just high enough not to be scandalous and a skirt that reached demurely for her knees but with a slit that showed enough leg to make his grandmother do back flips in her grave.

_Vile temptress, _he thought_, She's doing this on purpose and I know it. Tempting me like a…vile temptress._

"Doctor Weir." Kavanaugh said drawing out every syllable. "You look very…dressed up for a meal to go over reports."

"Oh, I'm not here to go over reports." She said, her cherry glossed lips curling up into a wicked smile. "I'm here to have wild sex with my senior Scientist possibly on that table right over there." She pointed to the candle lit table. "Rodney likes to have candles so he can see what he's doing. Good night." She walked in passed a stunned Kavanaugh and an equally stunned McKay. Kav still hadn't moved as the door slid shut.

"Wild sex on a table, eh?"

"Only if our up for it." She teased but before his ingenious mind could even fathom a way in or out of this situation a small alarm started going off.

"What in the blazes is that?"

"THE PIZZA!" Rodney was off in a flash and dove into the kitchen, pulling open the 'oven' and pulling out the flaming pizza. The siren increased and a panel opened on the ceiling, spraying him with foam and water! He sat there for five or so minutes until the spray finally switched off without loosing a bit of power, and the panel on the ceiling closed. He heard snickering in the doorway and he turned his most evil glare on her.

"This is _not_ funny."

"Actually, Rodney…it is!" He threw the dripping pizza at her, missing her by a few feet before sinking back with a loud squelch.

"There goes dinner and my dignity. Perhaps you should go." Elizabeth shook her head.

"Come on Rodney, I've been looking forward to this all day. How about I head over to the canteen and pick up a pair of MRE's while you dry off?" Rodney looked up at her and smiled.

"Sure, why not?" Rodney extended a hand. "Could you help me up?"

"Oh no! I'm not falling for that, you'll just pull me down and have your way with me." Rodney smirked and Elizabeth thought back on her words. "Oh my god that came out so wrong…That wasn't what I…" Rodney leapt up with a hand full of sud and threw it at her. The throw was pathetic considering how hard it was to throw sud, it was like throwing a piece of A4 paper that's not balled up. It'll just drift about a foot then go off on it's own little course. "I'll be back!" She shouted over her shoulder and skipped out.

"Women." Rodney sighed getting to his feet only to slip again and smack his head on the counter, knocking himself unconscious.

_**IOIOIO**_

"Okay. I'm at her quarters, do you have internal sensors up?"

"Check, nobody's coming."

"Alright…I'm taking off the panel. John…last chance to back out."

"Just do it Radek."

"But…If I got get caught it's all you!"

"RADEK!" Sheppard sighed and put down the radio, watching the sensors carefully. A blip floated dangerously close to the corridor but veered off at the last second, Sheppard breathed a sigh of relief and watched as another dot blipped happily down around its room. A second dot blipped its way up to the door and stayed there till a third dot floated along and past it. The two dots returned to the room while the third dot was left outside the door for several flashes before it moved on. One of the blips ran into an adjoining room, the room flashed red for a few moments then stopped and the second blip ran into the room. There was a few flashes before it ran out of the room and the other one moved, very slowly, to the bathroom.

"What the hell was that about." Sheppard mused, wishing he could see who the blips were and what they were doing. There was probably a very normal explanation for what happened…hold on. That was Rodney's room! Who were all those dots? Couldn't' be Radek! Carson was in his room with…OMG! He and the dot in the room with him just merged! Sheppard's jaw dropped and he watched nearly ten minutes for them to part. They didn't. "Sneaky bastard! I wonder who it is…"

"Who, who is?" The radio piped up and John realised who it was.

"Carson's getting laid."

"VAT! How can you tell?"

"Well his dot…or at least I think it's his dot cause it went from infirmary to his room, just merged with another dot and they've been merged for quite a while."

"They could just be standing close together!" Sheppard rolled his eyes.

"you've no flair for the dramatic, Radek. Progress?"

"I'm in. Did you know Doctor Weir has her own balcony."

"What? I don't even have a window!" there was a noncommittal sound from Radek as he entered the bathroom.

"Zkurvysyne! The tub is HUGE!"

"Tub…TUB! I only have a shower!"

"Wow, even I have a bath. You really got a crap room."

"I'm having a word with Rodney. Just put down the shampoo and…"

"Eh…Sheppard. She has a _lot_ of shampoo, there is like…twenty bottles here."

"Well…just stick it down among them. She'll get it eventually. Or wait, put it up high. Is there like…a shelf near the shower or something."

"Yeah…Hold on…"

"SOMEONE COMING! They've stopped at the door Radek!"

"HONVO! Someone just came in!" The radio switched off and Sheppard saw the blip move into the large room off to one side. Weir's room really was big. He watched it drift around the room for several minutes then…entered the bathroom.

"OH MY GOD! She's going to kill me." He closed his eyes, holding his breath and waiting for the moment the radio would switch back on and he'd get a rather pissed off..

_MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!_

It didn't come…he waited…and waited…and opened his eye…the room was empty and there were several dots in the corridor.

"Oh god…she's called security and is having Radek arrested and it's all my fault. Wait! I'll be in charge of it! I'll make sure he gets off easy!" He resisted the urge to page Radek and tell him not to sell him out but the chance didn't come as the throng of dots moved down the corridor…turned left…got in a transporter…and materialised at the one nearest his room.

"Oh no…" He idly noticed that Carson and his dot had broken up before his door chimed.

"Come in!"

**_IOIOIO_**

A/N: I know I promised a longer chapter but…

Only joking! Lol. Sorry, I had to do it. Just to annoy a friend of mine who gave out stink about my short chapters and my Authros notes.Back to the story.

_**IOIOIO**_

The door slid open and he resisted the urge to wince.

"Muh druh! Happy to see me?"

"RADEK!" Sheppard leapt up and hugged the man without thinking.

"Erm…okay. Let go…you're crushing me…Can't…breathe!" Sheppard let go of the huggably scruffy Czech.

"I got your lederhosen." Kavanaugh said and handed him a pair of white Lederhosen, there were about six marines walking further down the hall.

_That explains the big group. Oh thank god I'm not going to die horribly at the hands of an American with a British accent! Oh thank god, not only that, but the dye was in place and he had the lederhosen._

He began to laugh manically.

"The final phase of my plan is about to be completed! There is nothing in my way now! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"…Eh…Kavanaugh. Do you want to move so I can back away slowly?"

"I'm already backing away."

"I think he's crazy."

"Me too…"

"Don't make any sudden movements." Kavanaugh ran…Radek followed.

_**IOIOIO**_

Three hours, two MRE's, six plays of a Marvin Gaye Cd and a rather strange conversation about why Ice-Hockey was better than Tennis and the night was almost wasted away.

"I'm telling you, think about it. Tennis it's got all the running and tennis elbow but in Hockey you just….glide."

"Yes but in Hockey you have scary masks where in Tennis you have pretty white skirts. I would have thought a man like yourself would appreciate the skirts at least." Rodney smiled.

"Yes, the skirts…I appreciate them greatly but Hockey is just a better sport!"

"Have you ever played? I've played both hockey _and_ Tennis and I found Tennis to be much more fun."

"Hold on…you played Tennis? Did you have one of the skirts?"

"Rodney…" Weir warned and he blushed, looking down at his MRE.

"We both have early starts in the morning. Do you want me to walk you back to your room?" Elizabeth couldn't help but smile. He seemed so unsure about himself, so wonderfully…endearing. It was like he was a nervous teenager again. Not the man who stepped in front of Koyla's gun, not the man who put his own life in danger to get rid of the living cloud, not the man who allowed her to dump Simon across a Galaxy. You have to admit, he had done a lot for her.

"Rodney…I'd love you to walk me back to my room." She got up and proffered her elbow.

"Shall we?" They walked mainly in silence down the empty corridors till they reached Elizabeth's room.

"Well…" Rodney said, "This is where we part way…hold on. Looks like someone's been tampering with your keypad…"

"Rodney?" He looked up from where he had stooped to look at it.

"Ye…" He was cut off when Elizabeth cupped each side of his face and kissed him till his toes curled.

"We don't' have to part ways if you don't want to." Rodney's face was one of shock.

"I don't want to." Elizabeth grabbed a handful of his shirt and walked backwards into her room.

"Then don't."

_**IOIOIO**_

Sheppard crept into Teyla's room and opened the closet. She was still over on the mainland and would be there for several days so he took the opportunity to finish his pranks. He began to giggle madly as he reached inside. Tomorrow…He would have had his perfect Revenge. It tasted so sweet already!

_**IOIOIO**_

A/N: Real one this time! He he he, two more chapters to go, my friends. Everything's coming to a head. This really is a Sheppard bashing fic, isn't it. I thought we should give the poor guy a break. Anyway, thanks for your reviews and keep them coming. Mwahahahaha. White Lederhosen!


	10. SAUSAGES! and a dinosaur from our imagin...

Revenge, two sugars, no milk.

By Estellio

Rating: Pg-13

Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.

Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee)

Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.

A/n: Don't hurt me, I know it's taken abso-fracking-loutly AGES for me to upload this but I've had a severe bout of writers block that looks like it's not going to lift for a while. I'm totally lost in all my fics except my new Star Wars one and that's because my friend is helping me with it. My exams start Monday so I better go off and start studying (It's Sunday) Well, hope you enjoy this one and sorry it's so short. The NEXT one will be longer and probably the second last. Yeah, I know. We're nearly there! And this'll probably be my last Atlantis fic for a while too, I don't have any others in the works except for another Chapter of sitting comfortably and a possible sequal to The Scientist. But they're not going to get published anytime soon. My friend Dana is also badgering m eto write a shweir one...so you never know! Anyway, I give you...rtsnm, enjoy!

**_IOIOIO _**

When Rodney woke the first thing that came to mind was that his head hurt.

The second was that he was on the floor.

The third was that the floor was cold.

Oh no! That thing about me and Elizabeth, it was all just a dream! I hit my head on the counter! It was all just a really, really, dirty dream!

He got to his feet slowly, wanting to return to his happy place where he was tangled up in sheets with a beautiful woman who, despite what she may have told people, snored.

"Is your head feeling any better?" Rodney turned to face the snoring lady as two thing suddenly occurred to him. Firstly that he was bare arse naked, second was that she was wearing a towel.

I will not start dancing, I will not start dancing, I will not… 

"It wasn't just a really racy dream then?" Oh god, that had to be the worst possible thing he could have said. He really wished he was still unconscious.

"No Rodney." Weir laughed, sauntering forward and bending down to kiss his cheek "It wasn't." Hell, if he thought she looked good last night, this morning was a definite improvement.

"Anyway…I better get showered and dressed," He grinned slyly up at her and kissed her again. "Care to join me?"

"Rodney!" She said scandalously. "We have shift in an hour. Go get washed and dressed." She hounded Rodney into the bathroom with a shake of her head.

"Men," she sighed, "If their libidos were weapons the Wraith would be screwed…Oh god that came out so very, very wrong."

_**IOIOIO**_

Major Sheppard hopped from foot to foot irritably.  
"Take it out!" He begged Beckett. "Take it out! It hurts!"

"Oh, quit yer bellyaching!" Carson snapped. "Ya'd think a man like you would be able to take a wee needle now." Beckett yanked it out of his arm causing the Major to yelp. "There, that should get rid of the colouring. It'll take a few hours but ya should

be regular coloured again in no time." Sheppard sighed with relief, scrubbing a hand through his mop of dark hair.

"Thanks doc…say…you don't have any blue dye…do you?" Beckett shot him a dark look.

"I'm jus' after getting rid of the green and purple, what do you want the blue for?" Sheppard smiled putting on his 'butter wouldn't melt in my mouth' look combined with 'I'm a hungry puppy feed me'.

Carson briefly wondered why most of his thoughts were about food but shoved it aside. Why _did _Major Sheppard want blue dye?

"It's for a project. Please?"

"What project, Major?" I'm a puppy and butter wouldn't melt in my mouth look was turned on full blast. "I have some blue dye yes but that's not for use on clothes and stuff, it's for use on humans." Sheppard grinned evilly.

"It'll do." With a sigh Beckett moved off to get it.

"ZERE YOU ARE!" Shepard spun to face Zelenka who stormed in looking like he had just been electrocuted. His hair stuck out every which way and his eyes were ringed with dark circles from lack of sleep.

"Yes, here I am." Dr. Kavanaugh and two other techies came out from behind Zelenka forming something quite close to flight pattern Omega, the kind used for a kamikaze bomber run…hold on. HE was the target! Not good.

"Beckett?" He cried worriedly. If anyone could defend him it would be the Scott, after all, the Scottish were fierce warriors…right?

"Oh no!" The blonde one McKay was convinced was trying to kill them all said, walking forward. "You're coming with us." John Sheppard the first was a man who was not afraid of many things…but this was one of them.

"BECKETT!" When Beckett returned all he found was fingernail scrawls on the wood of the bed table.

"Hmm. That wasn't there a minute ago."

_**IOIOIO**_

Ford made his way down the corridor with his P-90 in hand. Due to his friend Mitchell's rather nasty hangnail, he couldn't go on the mission and Ford figured he was far more in danger of pants trapping Major's here than on the other planet, Wraith be damned.

"NO! NO! LET ME GO! SOMEONE HELP ME!" He heard the Major's voice carry down the hallway and ran to see what was happening. No matter how odd he was with his CO at the moment, no one deserved what he was undergoing. He was being carried towards the labs by four scientist.

"Geeks will rule the Earth." He mumbled before raising his gun. "Alright, nobody move. Put the Major down." Zelenka turned, the look of pure, caffeine deprived insanity in his eyes.

"Not until he unlocks the chair! We're sick of putting our asses on the electrical line for him, it's time he just unlocked it." Ford lowered his gun.

"Sir, did you lock the chair."

"Maybe? I don't know. I could have!" With a sigh he began to walk away.

"Ford! FORD! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE WITH THEM! FORD THAT'S AN ORDER!"

"I've already got orders from Doctor Weir to go off world. Just do what they say and don't mention Star Wars or Star Trek. You'll be fine."

"FORD!" His Lieutenant disappeared around the corner leaving him in the hands of madmen who carried him into the Chair room and threw him onto it.

"Alright, now. What's the password?"

"The what?"

"The Password, to the chair. You locked the chair. Six of our scientists had to go down to get analgesic on their behinds because they were electrocuted so many times by that infernal machine now, what's the password?" Sheppard was shocked.

"I don't know! I didn't lock it on purpose!"  
"Well…what were you thinking of when you were sitting on the chair." Sheppard closed his eyes and thought back.

"That's easy. Food. I was thinking how much a I miss Macaroni and cheese and beer and most of all…sausages." There was a little beep and everyone looked to the monitor. The chair had been unlocked.

"…That password…was…sausages?" Kavanaugh said, distressed, idly rubbing his backside to get the feeling back in it.

"Seems so." Zelenka said in awe. "I don't know whether he's a genius or the biggest idiot to walk the earth." There was a moment of pause before everyone intoned.

"Idiot." No one noticed that the idiot in question was slinking out and back towards the infirmary. He had blue dye to get and a prank to put in motion. Speaking of pranks he thought he might go and pay Doctor Weir a visit and see how she was doing.

"Morning Major." The woman in question just rounded the corner, sipping a coffee.

"Morning Doctor Weir." He said, somewhat dismayed at the lack of pink in her hair. "I saw Ford leaving, where's he going?"

"Off world with AT-8."

"The Spanners?" Weirs head shot up.

"Who?"

"Oh…nothing…"

"You just called them the Spanners…why?" Sheppard began to look distinctly uncomfortable.

"Well…you see…Remember how I wouldn't allow Ford name things…well…that was the reason."

"…" She gave him the 'I'm going to get so mad at you if you don't' finish your story _now´ _look and he continued on.

"…He gave everyone the bright idea of naming the teams. At-8 are the spanners because…I don't know why, maybe they're all mechanics or something." He shrugged. Elizabeth tried not to laugh as she asked the question that immediately popped to mind.

"What's your team called, Major?" He began to look uncomfortable.

"Well…I didn't name it…"

"Major?"

"The Flock."

"What?"

"Well...my name is Sheppard and I'm the leader of the team and someone thought it'd be funny to call them my flock. You know. Sheppard, flock…sheep?" Elizabeth stared at him for several moment.

"I'll be going now…."

"Right…okay then. See you around." He hadn't even turned the corner when he heard her laughing. However, once he had rounded the corner it was his turn to laugh as McKay walked past in a blue wooly cap.

"Don't say a word. Not a word!"

Was it just him or was today going to be a _very_ strange day?

_**IOIOIO**_

That evening:

Teyla Emmagen of the Athosians was, for lack of a better word, knackered! She could just keel right on over and sleep forever. After the ceremony John had had to be brought back to Atlantis after a second allergic reaction, she had yet to see him but Ford assured her he looked like Barney the Dinosaur. Now Teyla didn't know who Barney was, nor what was a Dinosaur but when she had asked one of the Atlantians on the main land he had asked

"The big purple and green guy from out imaginations?"

She had refused to ask any more after that. Now she was on a Jumper back to Atlantis and half asleep.

"We're arriving now, Ma'm." The young Lieutenant in the front reported snapping her from her 'I'm almost asleep, so close. Just another second and I'll be asleep' frame of mind and she felt the bump of the Jumper landing.

"Thank you Lieu…" She trailed off with a large yawn and the Lieutenant just smiled, helping her out of the Jumper. "I am fine." She insisted when it became apparent he was planning on escorting her all the way back to her quarters.

"You sure?" He asked, his accent rising and falling with the words.

"I am, I want nothing more now than to shower off the oils and go to sleep." She said, indicating the brown henna-like substance that made floral patterns up her arms and legs. The lieutenant left her alone and she stumbled into her room with fatigue. Quickly she undressed out of the ceremonial robes and all but fell into the bathroom. She found a large blue bottle sitting on the shelf in her shower with a white ribbon tied around it.

"Ah, a present from Major Sheppard, he is so thoughtful." She opened it an took a whiff, I smelt a little strange but she poured some onto he hand and looked a the dark blue liquid with interest. It appeared to be a body wash of some sort. "If it is a gift I must use it at least once." Switching on the shower she slipped in and took a cloth and the bottle.

An hour later Teyla's screams could be heard on the mainland and Sheppard laughed till he cried.

_**IOIOIO**_

Don't forget to review. I'm NEARLY at a hundred. Only 11 or so away. So come on, help me join that 100 elite! I'd threaten you that I woudn't write anymore or something but ye all know I'd be lying. Anyway, hope you enjoy and dno't forget some R&R never goes amiss. (hint hint, nudge nudge)


	11. What exactly does pachyderm mean?

Revenge, two sugars, no milk.

By Estellio

Rating: Pg-13

Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.

Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee)

Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.

A/n: Guest appearance by that Doctor who appeared for one word in chapter eight. Ye seemed to like him so much I decided to bring him back, also, despite the really Chinesey name he's Welch. Why? Because someone dared me to do a Welch accent in typing. It's really hard! Forgive me! Also, phwoar! What's with the freaky login and update page. It's all so crazy. Change it back, this way is icky looking and a bitch to navigate. Bad bad!

**Shippie:** (Strums guitar) If mens libidos were weapons...(Strum) We'd all be so screwed and poor ol' America, jsut wouldn't know what to do (Strum, strum) Enrique Murciano would just have to be locked away and lets not eventalk about what we'd have to do to McKay! (strum)

Sorry, you said you wanted a song. Neh, I'm on a coffee high.

**Orka's brother: **Hey there! Sorry it took me so long to update, hey Orka, go tell him. Hope you enjoy and thanks for comparing me to Jesus...or at least who ever wrote the Bible. I do happen to think of McKay kinda like a god. lol. Anyway, thanks for the really long review. Longest I've ever gotten. I'll treasure it always.

**Weirfan: **Aw, thanks. Well here it is, the new, impoved and lemon scented chapter. Tell your friends I said hi. lol.

**Planetkiller: **Like the name, anyway. Teehee. Read on and see what the lederhosen are for. I love that word so much. Ledderhosen. Lllleeeeeddderhosssen. Oh, off the ponit. Glad you're enjoying the fic and I'll probably open up a wratihbait account and post a horrible R rated version with all the smutty jokes I can pack into one fic. But if wishes were horses then I'd be making a lot of wishes. Hmm...good point on the Pegasus thing. (goes off and thinks about it)

Anni K: Sorry, I forget people don't speak like that and it comes out in my writing. I'll stop now also Raises Cork banner and waves it) Aha! Up the Rebels! WAAAAY! There'll be an explanation of that in the epilogue I'm planning. Probaly will never get written but it's planned (waves banner some more) Also, did someone say I was from Kerry in an earlier review? Shame on you, green and yellow so doesn't go with my complexion. red and white all the way. Up the Rebels (Dances with banner) Okay, enough of that, onto the fic.

_**IOIOIO**_

"Alright Doctor, you're ready ta go." Beckett said, removing the last bandage from Doctor Whoton-wong's, more commonly known as Doctor Who's, face. "Jus' remember ta apply the cream TWICE a day. When ya get up and before ya go to sleep, otherwise yer skin wont heal properly."

"Thank yeh Doc." He said tiredly. "When ken I go back n'duty?" Beckett thought for a moment.

"Not three weeks at least, for full duty that is, we can probably get ya on light duty in about a week an' a half but ta be on the safe side we'll leave it fer two. I expect ta see you here after dinner _every_ day. Now, now, off with you. It's nearly nine in the mornin' an I'm expecting Major Sheppard in here in abou twenty minutes." "Dr. Who raised one singed eyebrow.

"Why? His team r'n'downtime till da day aft'tomorrow." Beckett smiled evilly.

"You may not know this but Sheppard has been getting a little pay back on his team after the incident of the underpants. You heard about that right?" At Doctor Who's affirmative nod Beckett bent down beside him and began to snigger quietly. "Well, he enlisted Radek's help, right? Now he's after pissing Radek off big time and so he asked me ta help him get a little revenge."

"What did you do?" Whoton asked, smiling like the boy who just got the candy after all.

"You'll see, let's just say that his Barney the dinosaur impression is going to get a lot more accurate." Beckett winked. "After all, Barney's renowned for his dancing." Without further ado the Scot ushered the Welch man out of his infirmary. "_Twice_ a day! Don't forget or your skin will just peel right off." Zelenka, who was just entering the infirmary, shivered.

"Vat pleasant mental imagery you invoke doctor. Have you administered the…medicine…to Major Sheppard?"

"About an hour ago, it should be taking effect any minute now." Radek smiled evilly and walked to the door of the infirmary.

"I'll be back in a moment, I must get ze camera. He'll never live this down." Before he could leave a relatively tall smurf marched past. "Vas that a smurf I just saw walk past?"

"Knowing this city? Probably."

_**IOIOIO**_

John turned the page of War and Peace and smiled triumphantly. He had finally done it. It may have taken him nearly a year but he had finally done what he deemed the impossible….reached page fifty!  
"Well, that's enough of that then." He said to himself, laying the book aside and resuming his far more favoured task of staring at the ceiling. He wiggled slightly in the bed, feeling a mild tingle along his skin. He presumed it was just the medicine Beckett gave him, to take away the colour, taking effect. He rose his hand and looked at it, examining the purple swirls that covered his entire arm and back. He scratched his stomach idly, looking down at the green floral patterns that made him feel like an old ladies doily that had been the subject of a horrible colour run with her green stockings or something of the sort.

His door beeped and he stopped his musings on his stomach, realising just how unhealthy a thing that was anyway. Thinking about your stomach as a separate entity was one step away from turning into Rodney who seemed to worship his stomach like a god.

"Come on in!" He shouted and immediately regretted it as the door slid back slower than he ever remembered it doing and in true, black and white horror film style a mysterious fog began to roll in and around the silhouetted figure before him.

"OH NO! It's happening again! HEIGHTMYER! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!"

"There is no one coming to help you John…" The figure said as the door slid shut behind them, cutting off the fog.

"…Teyla?" She stepped into the light and no amount of military training could have prevent the tears of laughter than ran down John's face as he doubled over, laughing harder than he ever had before.

Standing before him, her skin royal blue and wearing white lederhosen was Teyla Emmagen…and she was pissed. Not in the good, I just had enough Tequila to bathe in kinda of way but in the, I've just been dyed blue and all my clothes, save for a pair of white lederhosen, have been stolen, kind of way. John was afraid, he had just pissed off the only person on Atlantis who could kick his ass with her bare hands and his P-90 was in the bathroom…don't ask.

"Teyla…you're looking…A little…blue." He doubled over in laughter again but she just seized him by the scruff of the neck and hauled him to his feet.

"Do you think this is funny?" She asked, indicating herself. John looked up and down.

"I've never seen someone pull off Lederhosen with such style before. Wow!" Placing his hands on her hips he drew her close. "You're really pretty." She glared at him.

"I'm _blue_." John could actually _hear_ the vehemence in her words.

"Don't worry, it's skin dye. It'll wash out with a shower."

"I _tried_. I was in the shower when it happened." She said, half pouting. John just smiled and tapped her nose with his index.

"That's cause your shower isn't magical. Look…" He walked over to his dresser and pulled out a small bottle labelled 'Peroxyfiladine, do not drink'

"Well, a little squirt of this on a sponge should do the trick. At least that's what Beckett said. Stick it on a sponge, scrub well and rinse thoroughly and you'll have the cleanest, brightest baby skin in the whole wide world. But since you seemed to be _completely_ dyed, like…_all_ over, I think you'll probably need someone to…you know…scrub your back?" Teyla grinned.

"You, Major Sheppard, are a bad man." He shook his head.

"Nah, now when I drop the tape over there into the science lab…_then_ I'll be bad." Teyla looked over and picked up the small tape.

"What's on it?"

"Oh…Just a few love songs."

"Can I listen?" He nodded but gave her a little push towards the shower.

"After the shower." He urged. "Three down, one to go." He whispered to himself with a snigger.

Two hours and a suitable amount of Nc-17 later, the still multicoloured John Sheppard and the relatively normal coloured Teyla, stepped out of the shower. John itched his shoulder uncomfortably.

"Are you alright?" He shook his head.

"My skin feels weird, that's all." He said, scratching his hip as he tied his pants.

"Maybe you should go see Doctor Beckett." Teyla suggested, routing through the chest he had hidden her clothes in. She pulled out the camel fighting top and pair of dark leather pants.

"Nah, Doctor Weir wants to see me in her office in about ten minutes. We stayed a lot longer in the shower than we should have. " Teyla nodded and picked up his comb, running it through her long hair.

"After your meeting then." He grunted.

"It's probably just that stuff Beckett gave me for the colour. I'm still purple and green though. He said it'd only take an hour to take effect." He scratched his neck and shifted uncomfortably. "That was three hours ago." He twisted his arm uncomfortably around to scratch an itch beneath his shoulder blade. "Anyway, I better go." He reached across and kissed Teyla on the cheek before stepping out into the still roiling fog that felt warm and clammy to the skin. Immediately the itchiness he had been suffering from disappeared and he continued on to Weir's office. A scrawny doctor waved at him.

"Evenin' Major. How ya feelin'?" He asked.

"Good, you?"

"Tryin' ta fix da damn hot wa'er pipe, as ya can see. Steam goin' ever'wha. I'll see you lata!" Sheppard smiled and waved.

_What a strange accent. Wonder where he's from. _

Sheppard though and watched with interest as Kavanaugh ran past, his hair on fire, with Zelenka running after him with a towel screaming in Czech and trying to beat the fire off of his head with the said towel

"…That was a little…random." He said to himself, stepping into the transporter and heading to the control room. McKay was already in Weir's office, blue hat jammed firmly on his head and looking as if he had just been dressed down, had on the carpet, chewed up and spat back out. (These are _actual_ disciplinary terms you dirty dirty minded people.)

"Seriously Rodney. I may have to demote you for this and place Zelenka as head Scientist."

"I…"

"I don't want to hear it!" Sheppard looked between them and resisted the urge to whisk off McKay's hat. Weir's hair, he noted with some dismay, was still brown.

"What happened?" Sheppard asked, jamming his hands in his pockets as his chest suddenly became itchy again.

"Rodney set Kavanaugh's hair on fire." She said, glaring at Rodney.

"For what? Making fun of the hat?" Sheppard asked smirking. Rodney glared at him.

"Don't make me hurt you."

"Why are you wearing the hat anyway?"

"Don't make me hurt you."

"Rodney?"

"I am going to hurt you now…"

"BOYS!" They both turned to face a_ very _annoyed looking Weir. "If you are _quite_ finished…Rodney, I'll speak with you later, what was it you wanted Major?" McKay turned to leave and Sheppard could resist. In one fluid motion, he stepped forward with his hand making a graceful arc over McKay's head and dragging the hat off McKay on the downward slope to reveal a shocking head of pink hair.

"WHAT THE!" Sheppard began, realising the significance behind this simple colour.

"SHEPPARD!" Grabbing the hat from a stunned Sheppard, McKay jammed it back on his head and fled.

"But that…that…" Sheppard's face was split in two with a large grin. "You and McKay…You're…This is wonderful news! When did this happen?" Weir raised an eyebrow at him, her mouth forming a thin disapproving line.

"When did what happen, Doctor McKay and I are what?" She asked smoothly. Sheppard saw the predatory glint in her eye and panicked. She was onto him. Just like she had noticed his porcupine hands she was connecting the dots between the pranks and him.

"Nothing. Misinterpretations, crossed wires, gorilla's in the mist, pink pachyderms…I think I just made that word up." Weir shook her head, a small smile playing on her lips.

"You didn't but you did use it in the wrong context." He nodded.

"Right, you wanted to talk to me about something?" Weir nodded, the mysterious smile still playing on her lips

_Oh no. She's onto me. I'm sooooooo dead. _Sheppard thought panicked. _Now that she has warning about the dye I need to think of something else but it has to be subtle, something she couldn't' possibly connect back to me. _He scratched his neck idly and tried to key into what Weir was saying. _But what could I possibly do…maybe I can involve the Pink Panther in this, get him double whammy…nah, giving Kavanaugh the tape will be enough. Considering Rodney just set his hair on fire he'll use it to its full advantage. All I need to do now is to get Weir back and the circle will be complete. The dye wont work so. _He paused to respond to the question Weir had asked him while scratching his stomach and thigh at the same time. It is not a well known fact but men can pursue a completely separate train of thought while listening to what women are saying and looking like they're interested while screening the conversation for sentences like 'they're coming over on Tuesday' 'It only costs 9.95' 'they can have that delivered in blue too' and of course 'are you listening?' _Ah yes. Tava beans…how did _they_ come up in conversation I wonder. Mm…Tava. That really is a cool word. Tava. Tava. Tava. Tava…Okay. I've gone waaaaay off the point. What was I thinking of before the Tava, Tava, Tava beans? Hmm…Ah yes! Pachyderms…No…no after that…Ah yes. A prank for Weir. Since the dye didn't work I am going to have to come up with something even more ingenious, cunning, roguish and various other words that make me sound cool…like Tava. Hold on! Did she just say they're coming over on Tuesday! I NO! I missed my cue!_

"Tuesday you say…why?"

"For negotiations, I told you. The Ovarianians have agreed to trade medicinal herbs with us in exchange for some of our medical techniques. Were you even listening?"

"…Yes. Ovarianians? What a name, makes them sound like…well…you know." She raised an eyebrow.

"I expect you and your team to be ready Major. Dismissed." Major Sheppard never bolted out of a room as fast in his whole entire life. A stomach grumble sent him in the direction of the Mess Hall where he met up with a rather pleased looking Ford and Sergeant Bates. Sheppard scratched his upper arm as he made his way over to them.

"Lieutenant, Sergeant." He said nodding to both of them. "How come you look so pleased Ford?" Ford grinned and held up a spoon full of wobbling blue jello.

"Jello Sir. We have Jello for dessert today. Isn't that just the coolest word you've ever heard? Jjjjelllllooo." Sheppard stared at his Lieutenant for several minutes while scratching his ribs.

"…The Doc has you on those antihistamines again, doesn't he?" Ford shrugged and ate the spoonful of Jello he had with a highly satisfied look on his face. "In any case, Tava is a far cooler word." He was about to join the cue for food when an ingenious idea struck him. "Jello! That's it!" Abandoning the dinner he ran to his room with Bates and Ford casting odd looks after him.

"Is he alright?" Bates asked.

"I worry about him sometimes." Ford said. "But he's fine. He looked a little uncomfortable though, didn't he?"

"Yeah, what was with all the scratching?" Ford shrugged.

"Bad cloth conditioner probably. Wiggly Jello. Mmm." Bates gave him an odd look.

"Sheppard isn't the only one you should be worried about, there, Ford. Also, did ya hear McKay's hair is pink?"

"No, wonder why?"

"Probably some crazy device or Kavanaugh did it."

"Why do you say that?"

"Cause McKay set him on fire." Ford looked up, this was far more interesting than Jello.

"Really? When?"

"About twenty minutes ago. I don't know the specifics but they were working with a device that produces fire from one end McKay just sorta pointed it at Kavanaugh's ponytail." Ford had to hold his nose to stop Jello coming out.

"Is he going to be alright?" Bates shrugged.

"Probably, with all the gel in his hair it probably created a fire proof coating."

"I thought gel was flammable."

"Either way his hair is a lot shorter. Like…normal people short." Ford shivered.

"Kavanaugh without his hair…weird." Bates gave a grunt and started into his own green Jello.

_**IOIOIO**_

A/N: I hate to fit the word pachyderm in there somewhere. I read it somewhere and although I have no idea what it means I know that it sounds cool and is in **Spanish:** paquidermo** French:** pachyde me **German:** Dickhauterand** Italian:** pachiderma. Amazing the things you find on the internet. Also, while a friend of mine was consoling me after a teacher 'had me on the carpet' teehee, I learned all these useful, sexually orientated phrases for 'she gave out to me' I know I said in a past chapter somewhere that this was drawing to a close but I really think there is only going to be one, maybe two at a stretch chapters left. I have to finish this fic before July 8 because I'll be going to Dublin on a course for three weeks and I'll have no access to a computer for any serious length of time. Not long enough to write anyway. Writers block is still hampering my progress and my muses are high on drugs and to busy talking to themselves to tell me anything. Also, does anyone know what the term "The pink pachyderm between us" means? I really need to find this out. Anyway, this A/N is nearly as long as the fic so time for the traditional begging for a review (Begs, whimper, simper, poke) review goddamit! Thanks to everyone who's reviewed over the course of this fic too, you all deserve digital cupcakes (Hands out digital cupcakes)


	12. ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, aaah,

Revenge, two sugars, no milk.

By Estellio

Rating: Pg-13

Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.

Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee)

Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.

**Mr Pace: **I would like to inform you that I now consider you a freakin' legend and should you ever decided to move to Ireland and work in Christ King Secondary School you will be much appreciated. Yours truly, Estellio. P.s. Don't steal my songs.

**Orka**: Why can't I have your History teacher? Mine may have the coolest hair this side of the Lee but she's a recruiter for the IRA and scares us talking about the 800 years of war, famine and suppression which makes up out fourteen year history course. Yes there were two bothersome world wars, several revolutions, a renascence and Roman Empire but they're not covered by out teacher who practically walks around with the Irish flag on her head. Crazy lady. Also, I wrote the last chapter on MS-notebook which doesn't have a spell check to speak of. I read over it several times but...ah well.

**IsmiseSteph**: You're a Dubliner who supports Wexford...3 weeks in Dublin automatically means CTYI to you, your name is Steph and you support Wexford. There's only person I know of who fits that description. STEPHANIE! Why didn't you tell me it was you? For the love of...how did you find my account? Go away, shoo, shoo, you're not allowed read any more of my fics because you're strange and support Wexford and taunted me all the way home from the GAA match. Well Cork won the Munster Finals so suck on it! We've got the best team in the league and are coming fer yeah ya bloody yellow and purple striped hooligan. (If you are not in fact the same Stephanie asI think you are I greatly apologised.

**Fanwoman: **You are the only person I know who writes reviews nearly as funny as fanfiction. I've actually done a pic of that on my deviant art account. I'm beginning to illustrate the fic. It's only a quick drawing I did in like ten min and you'll find the link in my profile. Also, please, for the sake of keyboard manufacturers everywhere…stop drinking and reading. Please.

**To everyone who told me what a pachyderm was: **Thanks for explaining what a pachyderm was. I was so confusadededed.

_**IOIOIO**_

Weir paced in her office uneasily. It had been three hours since she had seen Sheppard _or_ McKay…or that anyone had seen them to be honest. Bates had told her that he and Ford had seen Sheppard at lunch and he seemed really excited at the prospect of Jello but that was the last anyone had seen of him and he wasn't responding to calls. McKay was last seen in the lab listening to a walkman. He had gone bright purple and stormed out and hadn't shown up for lunch nor duty! She had tried calling him also but to no avail, it was like they had just dropped off the face of Atlantis…knowing them they probably had.

"If anyone knows where Rodney is it's Radek." She reached across and commed Zelenka but got no reply. She tried coming the labs and got Kavanaugh.

"Come to think of it, Doctor Weir, I haven't seen either of them in quiet some time." He said, shrugging. Weir had to force herself to respond and not stare at the short hair he now sported.

"Alright, well if you see them tell them that I'm looking for them, alright Doctor Kavanaugh?"

"Can't I help you with it?" He asked, causing her to bristle at his tone.

"It's alright, I'll comm. Later if I need help." She switched off the screen and resumed pacing. Who else on Atlantis might know where they were?

"Carson." She said and the lights in the room changed suddenly, becoming warmer and slightly brighter. She shrugged and moved to the Comm. Paging the infirmary. She got nurse Zileki, a rather strict looking Russian who probably would demand to be called Matron.  
"I 'ave not seen him in hours. He left with se Czech and Doctor McKay nearly two hour ago. I have not seen 'im since then. Can I 'elp you?"

"No, no Doctor Zileki. It'll hold. Do you know where they were going?" The nurse shrugged.

"Nah, but Beckett did say something about pollen samples in se Major's salve. He may have gone to check up on se Major." Weir nodded.

"Alright, thank you Doctor. Weir out." She switched off the Comm. And buried her face in her hands.

Pollen samples! Whatever next?

She made the decision to check up on the Major and grabbing her jacket, she marched out into the Control room. Sleepy German guy was lounging in his chair, staring at the screen…well…sleepily.

"Slee…I mean, Alexander." He perked up and turned around.

"Ja?"

"Keep up shop, I have to run an errand. At-2 are due back soon and I want you to tell Lieutenant Palmer that I'll need to speak with her about her proposal and I'll debrief her team this afternoon. If anything urgent needs my attention I have my phone with me." She patted the small mobile in her pocket and Alex nodded, turning back to the screen.

"Zehr gut." He mumbled and continued to stare at the screen sleepily, his eyes moving as if he was reading something.

"What's that?" Weir asked and he grinned.

"Fanfiction."

"Fanfiction?"

"A story written by a fan for his or her favourite Tv programme. Or movie, or comic or book or game or…"

"I get the picture, what's it on?" Alex winked.

"Flash Gordon." She threw her eyes skyward.

"I'll leave you to it. You haven't seen Major Sheppard have you?"

"he was outside his quarters bare arse naked about five minutes ago." This stopped Weir in her tracks.

"What?"

"Yes, I feel a lot better about myself now."

"…I don't want to know. I don't want to know." He cast her one last smirk and turned back to his fanfiction.

"Oh no! Ming, that fiend!"

Leaving Sleepy German guy to his crazy story she raced down the corridor towards Major Sheppard quarters.

"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! YOU WIN! IT'S IN MY DESK! THIRD DRAWER!" She paused when she heard his voice and the pounding of a fist on a door. Turning the corner she immediately swung around and closed her eyes. Facing back the way she came.

"Major, you're not wearing any pants. Why aren't you wearing any pants?"

"Rodney took them _AGAIN!_ You damn pants perv!" She slipped back off her jacket and threw them to him.

"Alright, it's safe to turn around now." He said and when she turned she saw he had her jacket knotted around his waist and had resumed banging on the door. "LET ME BACK IN! I WANT MY PANTS!"

"Kousat mne!" She heard Zelenka shout back and sighed. Looking around Weir spotted a camera pointed at Sheppard that had been duck taped to the ceiling. She walked up to it and ripped it down.

"I know you can see me Rodney, Radek, Carson. Open the door now or by god I'll hang, draw and quarter ye on the promenade to an Athosian ritual dance. Understood?" She could almost hear their collective gulps and looking over at the Major she could see the scratch marks on his arms and torso as even know he vigorously itched himself. "Also, I want you to reverse whatever the hell you did to the Major. Okay? Now, open the door."

Seconds later there was a beep and the door slid open. Sheppard ran inside and pulled out along, dark blue bobbled robe which he immediately threw on and began the hunt for his underwear. Looking around the room she couldn't' see hide nor hair of the three scientists. She approached the bathroom and tried to open the door. Not to her surprise she realised it was locked and she had to hot wired it the way Rodney had shown her during one of their impromptu 'closet inspections'. When inside she found it equally as empty and grinning she pulled back the shower curtain to find the three Doctor's huddled in a four by four shower cubicle.

"Hello boys."

"Doctor Weir. Vat a surprise. We were just talking about you." Reaching out she snatched the tapes from Rodney's hands.

"No!" He began, reaching for the audio tape but she just shook her head.

"Now, I'm going to make you a deal. I'm going to destroy these and not put this into a report and ye never do it again. Otherwise, it wont be Pollen and video tapes you'll have to worry about…it'll be _me_." The fake sweet smile on her face chilled them to the bone and Carson whimpered, grabbing McKay and pulling him a little closer. The lights in the room dimmed as Weir walked out to find Sheppard already dressed and loading his P90. "What are you going to do with that?" She asked and he grined.

"Shh, be wery, wery, qwiet. I'm gowin wabbit huntin." Weir grinned and took his P90.

"I think I'll keep a hold of all your weaponry for the next few days if you don't mind." With an arm full of tapes and guns Weir made her way back to her office.

"Give me the tape." Sheppard said, stretching out his hand and Carson, Radek and Rodney stepped out of his bathroom.

"Uh…Major. The thing is…she took it." Rodney explained and Sheppard paled.

"…What?"

"She has it, and Rodney's tape." Carson said, making soothing motions towards the furious Major.

"I'm going to kill you." He said quietly and reached for his boot knife.

"US! This is all _your _fault!" Radek exploded.

"MY Fault?"

"YOU PRANKED US!" Rodney shouted, indicating his shock of pink hair, "WE ERE JUST GETTING PAYBACK!"

"Wasn't the itching enough for you? I feel like there are ants all over me!"

"We had to get the copies of the tapes you made of Rodney." Carson said calmly, trying to diffuse the situation. "When you came out of the shower we panicked."

"Where else would I have been! Water is the only thing that stops the itching. My god Carson, what is it? Make it stop?"

"It's a mild, non corrosive acid. There is trace amounts of base in the water of Atlantis which is why it helped. All I have to do is give you a body wash of the exact opposite ph of the scale and it'll go away. Do you have any other copies of Rodney singing?"

"No."

"Then let's get you back to sickbay and get you all itch free."

"Can you still do nothing about the colour."

"We'll see. We'll see." With an arm around his shoulder Carson led Sheppard out of his room and to the infirmary leaving Radek and Carson alone. They stood in silence for several minutes.

"What are we going to do?" Rodney asked quietly.

"We? She ain't got nothing on me druh. You're on your own. Can't you just cuddle up to her and nick it from her quarters during one of your 'scientific consultation sessions'."

"…When you say it like that it sounds so transparent."

"Rodney. Your hair is pink. There is nothing transparent about yours and Doctor Weirs relationship.

"Why did you and Carson itchify him anyway?"

"…Itchify."

"Shut up and answer the question."

"Oh, we were getting him back for implying that I'm a vomen and for pissing off Carson's new girlfriend."

"Carson has a girlfriend? When did that happen?"

"Vhen did you and Weir happen?" It was clear Radek was dodging the question and this piqued McKay's interest. He had sensed something odd was up with Carson for a while. He was never around, distracted at his post and even more quixotic than any Scotsman had a right to be and as far as he knew, Scot people _invented_ the word quixotic.

"Oh, we were just talking and she jumped me. Carson's story?"

"He was just sitting in the chair and it jumped him."

"…"

"…"

"…What?"

"I'll talk to you later Rodney. I must go see if SuperKav hasn't blown something up yet." With that Zelenka began to make his way down the corridor. Rodney stood stunned for several seconds.

"…Radek? Radek? What do you mean the chair? Radek!"

_**IOIOIO** _

Elizabeth marched into the control room, occupied only by sleepy German guy who was in tears at the screen.

"Are you alright?" She asked, causing him to sniffle.

"I'm…I'm okay. It's just. Oh god, one of the guards managed to shoot Dale before Flash could get to her and now she's dieing in his arms. He told her he loved her but it turns out that she and Zarkov have been with each other all along and she has his baby and it was Thundar who double crossed them and that Aura is pregnant with Vultan's baby because he tricked her into thinking he was Flash and…Oh no. She's dead!" Weir took two calculated steps back and swallowed. She didn't understand most of what was said but she knew enough not to ask.

"I'm sorry…for your loss." She said and fled into her office. She dumped the two tapes, P90 and Desert Eagle onto her desk and threw herself down into the chair. So much had happened today and it was only Four O Clock.

At the wailing of a klaxon she left her office and moved to great AT-2. When several Wraith blasts came through the StarGate the moment they lowered the shield she knew something was gravely wrong. Palmer and her team came through with several scantily clad men and women whom it appeared were native to the planet.

"Weir." Palmer said, getting to her feet shakily. "The Wraith attacked half way through negotiations. These are the Yeomen of Yemen V and their women. We had no choice but to bring them." Weir nodded.

"I'll arrange quarters…why do I think of skimpy red dresses when I think of yeomen?"

"No idea, Sir, but Doctor McCoy said the exact same thing."

_**IOIOIO** _

Ten minutes later a certain Major with a certain agenda was making his way towards a certain place where certain things were. In other words, Sheppard had heard that Weir was with the yeomen (He was still sniggering at their name) and decided to boldly go where no one had gone without permission before…Doctor Weir's office. Of course, they'd _all _been summoned there at one point or another but the little office adjoining the briefing room was OFF LIMITS at any other time. Sleepy German guy had gone in there to get a pen and never came out. Well, he did come out but he was missing a large chunk of dignity and instead of the nice, coffee coloured complexion he was a bright, scolding red. To use Caron's favourite term 'He'd been had on the carpet seven ways till Tuesday'. First time Sheppard heard him say that he had turned around and walked right back out of the room. You could really take that saying the wrong way, you really could.

Pushing asides the thoughts of sexual innuendo filled euphemisms of the Scottish, he slid past the opening panels of the doors and stalked across the room. He felt like Snake from Metal Gear Solid or that Chinese guy from the ninja movie no one could ever remember the name of but had subtitles…what was that movie called? He'd have to ask Ford, Ford remembered abstract things like that but right now he had a more specific goal. He spied the tape on Weirs desk and picked it up. As far as he could tell it hadn't been played. Pocketing it he couldn't help but grin at Rodney's audio tape on the desk. Hopefully Weir'd listen to his horrid crooning and Rodney would never live it down.

For some odd reason he could hear Rodney singing 'I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight!' in his head, even though he knew he sung 'I'm too sexy' and 'addicted to love' respectively. Oh dear lord why did he have an image in his head of Rodney in the chorus line of cats? Cat suit and all? He shuddered at the thought and turned to leave.

"Going somewhere Major?" He froze and stared in horror at the silhouette of Weir in the doorway. "Lights." The lights in the room lit up but stayed low as if to increase the drama of the situation and emphasise the threat of on coming doom.

"Doctor Weir? I was just looking for you." He tossed the video over his shoulder and back onto the desk. Hoping it would smash on the impact. If there was one thing the military didn't skimp on, it seemed, it was video tape cases. "Fiddlesticks."

"Sheppard, I've put up with a lot from you the past few days. I knew it was you who set up Aiden's underwear mishap but I looked beyond it because it was harmless fun and good for morale. I ignored the fact that you put pink hair dye in my room because seeing Rodney with pink hair is the funniest thing I think I've ever seen, hell, I didn't even have you confined to quarters for turning Teyla blue because I figured you were feeling a little lonely what with you being the only multicoloured person on base but I will not tolerate you stealing from me. Hand me the tape." He reached behind him and picked up the tape, handing it to Weir.

"I'm sorry…how did you know I did all that stuff/" He asked, raising an eyebrow. Weir smiled softly.

"When you showed me your porcupined hands I noticed pink dye beneath your fingernails. When I heard what happened to Ford it was only a matter of connecting the dots. As for Teyla and me? It wasn't hard to figure out who was behind that at all." Taking the tape she slipped it into a drawer in her desk and locked it.

"John, there is very little in Atlantis that can get past me. I worked as a Head in a college for six years, the children were better at keeping secrets than ye are. This is my world, I know all, I hear all and I see all?"

"Even when we're in the bathroom?"

"Especially when your in the bathroom."

"Oh…creepy. Anyway, I better just be going. You know…Er…Important things to do." Weir nodded and motioned to the door.

"It was interesting to watch but really John, you should know that you'd never be able to prank me." He sighed, his shoulders sagging.

"Ever think of taking up Black Ops?" Weir smiled enigmatically.

"Who's to say I haven't." Sheppard got the most paranoid look she had ever seen and all but fled. Weir waited until she was sure he was out of hearing range before bursting into a fit of laughter so hard it made her double over and clutch her stomach. When she had finally laughed till she got a cramp, she wiped away the tears and opened the drawer, slipping the tape into a small camera in a locker behind her. Pulling out the vid screen she pressed play. Five minutes later Sleepy German guy walked in to find her on the floor in a hysterical pile. He could hear someone singing in the background and picking up the camera he soon joined her on the floor.

"_If all the raindrops were lollipops and gumdrops, oh what a rain that would be. _

_I'd stand outside with my mouth open wide. _

_Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,."_

A naked dancing Major Sheppard singing Barney songs was just not something you could keep a straight face at. She had no idea how they had managed to get him to do that but she was seriously considering giving them a medal for it.

Still wheezing she shut it off.

"Where did you get that?" Alex asked and she grinned.

"Rodney found it and this. In fact he seemed kinda desperate to get it back." She said, holding up Rodney's tape.

"Put it on Doc." Alex encouraged and she slipped it into her stereo, waiting a few moments. She heard the sound of a door opening and someone talking quietly so she turned up the volume.

"_Too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan." _

She immediately shut it off.

"Was that Doctor McKay?" Alexander asked and Weir nodded slowly.

"We shall never speak of what transgressed in here ever again, understood?"

"Yes M'am."

"You will go to your station and do something…except read Flash Gordon fanfiction, understood?"

"Yes M'am."

"Dismissed." Sleepy German guy bolted out the door, clearly as disturbed as she was. "If these are humanities finest we're doomed."

**_IOIOIO_**

A/N: This is the last chapter of Revenge. Everybody…Awwww. Nah, only joking. There's an epilogue to go that I'll have up in a few days. Sorry you had to wait so long for this. My muses went on a bar crawl to Scotland, got lost, ended up in Korean and had to sell their bodies for the air fare home so all in all a very odd, museless week. Lol, only joking. I've just been a lazy cow. Anyway, I'm back on track and with only an epilogue to go. I've also begun to illustrate this fic, I only have one posted so far but I'm nearly finished the second. in fact, it's in my lap right now. Hello chibi-Teyla, hello chibi-John. So check my profile for the link!


	13. Epilogue, no really, it is!

Revenge, two sugars, no milk.

By Estellio

Rating: Pg-13

Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.

Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee)

Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.

_**IOIOIO**_

Vicky heaved a loud sigh and pushed the hair out of her eyes as she stepped off the Puddle Jumper and back onto Atlantis.

"It's good to be home." She said, sighing contently as Zelenka rushed forward and enveloped her in a hug. Dawn's first light cast a dim glow over everything giving the city a harmless and romantic look as she strolled hand in hand with Zelenka through the corridors.

"It's nice when it's like this." She said, leaning her head on his shoulder. "Peaceful." At that Zelenka snorted.

"Appearances can be deceiving, Milenec. This place has been anything but peaceful since you left. Muh buj! It has been like a circus." Vicky , stopped, turning to face him, her face serious.

"Why? What happened. Was anyone hurt? Did we discover something? Did someone win the Weir poll? What happened?"

"Well, Kavanaugh was hospitalised after his hair was set on fire, we discovered that Teyla doesn't like being dyed blue and being forced to walk around in white lederhosen, I'm on waste disposal with McKay and Carson for locking Sheppard outside his door naked and making him dance oh and Carson got a girlfriend, McKay and Elizabeth are together as of two days ago meaning Teyla won the bet and Sheppard and Teyla are now, officially, dating." Vicky stood there stunned for several moments.

"Okay, run that by me one more time…Kavanaugh was hospitalised because…"

"Rodney set his hair on fire." Zelenka said, smirking.

"And Rodney set his hair on fire because…"

"Kavanaugh mocked his pink hair."

"And McKay has pink hair because?"

"Sheppard put pink dye in Weir's bathroom."

"…What the hell was McKay doing in Weirs bathroom?"

"Showering, I presume. After a night of passionate lovemaking, or so I've heard…Speaking of passionate love making." Zelenka moved to put his arms around her but she stepped back.

"No, hold on…So…McKay and Weir have pink hair?"

"No, just McKay." He said, advancing on her.

"And Kavanaugh had no hair?"

"Well…a crew cut. Must we really talk about hair when we could be making up for lost time while you were on the main land for the weekend?"

"Zelenka! Down boy!" She commanded, slipping out of his grasp and backing down the corridor. "Now, what does this have to do with Teyla being blue?"

"Well, Sheppard dyed her blue and stole her clothes to get back at her for forcing him to walk around in his underwear."

"And why did you lock him out of his room naked?"

"Because he kept calling me a girl and making me do all his dirty work when pranking Ford and McKay?"

"What did he do to them?" Vicky asked, allowing him to take her hand and resume walking to their shared quarters.

"Well, he wired Ford's pants and glued it to the chair while dying his underwear pink so that when it ripped he'd show off bright pink underwear and he recorded McKay singing in the shower" Vicky burst out laughing, doubling over.

"I was here when Aiden's pants ripped but McKay singing in the shower? You have to get me a copy of that tape." She sniggered, turning the corner to their rooms.

"Oh, I don't have it. Weir does. You see, she confiscated the tape of McKay singing in the shower and Major Sheppard singing 'If all the raindrops' in the buff." Vicky turned a rather peculiar shade of pink.

"If you get me that tape I promise you, I'll do that Leia thing you've been bugging me to do." Zelenka giggled like a little school girl and let her into the quarters.

"If there's anyone on base who can get you that tape it is I! I'll just calmly explain to Doctor Weir that I need it to have you dress up like Leia in the slave girl outfit fulfilling every male Sci-fi fan's fantasy." Vicky shook her head and shrugged off her jacket, falling bonelessly into the nearby chair. "I think that covers everything that happened in Atlantis while you were gone." Vicky cuddled into the pillow of the chair and closed her eye, yawning loudly.

"Oh I'm so tired, the Athosians had me up all night yammering on in their language. What I wouldn't give for one of my Nan's Irish folk songs right now. There's something soothing about that language." She sighed contentedly, cuddling up to the pillow and closing her eyes. Zelenka smiled and took a blanket from one of the chairs, draping it over her. Suddenly she bolted up.

"Carson has a girlfriend!"

"Yes, why?" He asked, feeling like he had missed something very important. Was there a poll about Carson too that he had missed?

"Who?" She asked, suddenly very awake and alert.

"It's complicated. Very complicated."

"Indulge me."

"…Well…you know how the Ancients ascended to another plain of existence?" She sat forward.

"Oh my god it's an Ancient!"

"More than that, it's the ancient left to guard the city…"

"How the hell did they meet?" Vicky asked, grinning like an idiot.

"Through the chair. She is, essentially, Atlantis."

"Wow, that's pretty cool. Can she like, do the glowy octopus thing?"

"Yes, she appeared in front of me and Rodney while we were talking with Carson about Kavanaugh and all but hauled him away. Apparently she's the reason why Carson was so afraid of the chair at first, because she was seducing him and he had no idea how to handle it. She's very pretty though…not no a patch on you, my little butterfly…but still, for a chair, she's pretty hot." Vicky laughed and got up.

"And you got put on silage duty for video taping Sheppard singing in the buff?" Zelenka looked away, ashamed, but nodded. "A noble cause, now, you mentioned something about passionate lovemaking?"

_**IOIOIO**_

The sun rose over a peaceful and prank free Atlantis. Despite Weirs best efforts, word about Sheppard and Rodney's recorded debacle spread and somehow copies of the tapes were acquired. She was sure it had something to do with Carson but she had yet to prove it. He had been doing a lot of fairly strange things lately but he was about the only one in Atlantis who _could_ keep a secret.

As the light filtered into the briefing room through an unknown source (As the briefing room didn't seem to have any windows.) Ford and Teyla entered to sit down. They were soon followed in by Sheppard who was engrossed in his wrist watch which apparently wasn't working if the constant tapping was anything to go by.

"Sooooo…" Ford drawled, obviously bored out of his mind as they waited for the debriefing to begin. "Teyla…Truth or Dare?" She turned to the young Lieutenant and smiled.

"Are you sure that's wise, Lieutenant, after what happened last time?"

"Yeah but I didn't get a dare last time. Or even a truth!" Sheppard looked up, big rings beneath his eyes from lack of sleep only accented by the green swirls on his cheeks.

"Fine, I dare you to go take a long walk off a short pier."

"John!" Teyla snapped. "You are in a very bad mood, what is the matter?"

"I didn't get any sleep last night and I'm grumpy and when I did finally nod off I woke up to late for breakfast and a shower so now I'm hungry, sticky and humiliated because when I was walking down the corridor everyone began singing barney songs. Do you know how disturbing it is to see six foot marines with muscles the size of water melons dancing and singing 'If all the rain drops were lollipops and gum drops?'" Teyla bit her lip to stop herself from laughing and turned to Ford.

"Did you sleep well Aiden?" The young Lieutenant shrugged.

"Can't remember, I was asleep." They waited a few more minutes and Rodney and Elizabeth burst in. Rodney had a grin on his face that was nothing to do with the waffles for breakfast and Weir looked flustered and hurried.

"Alright. Everyone here? Good, let's begin." It took Weir barely ten minutes to brief them, it was a fairly straight forward mission looking for the basics. Food, allies, alpha site. No one had any questions so they were soon all dismissed. Rodney, it seemed, was going to hang around for Weir but a quiet word with Teyla had her scooting him away so that Sheppard could talk with Weir alone.

"Elizabeth?" She looked up from the papers she was shuffling aimlessly, waiting for him to leave and smiled.

"John, did Dr. Beckett give you any good news on the colouring?" She asked, standing and moving for the door.

"It's permanent. I'll have to wait of the skin it's on to shed. He said it'll take about six months. Suppose I should start exfoliating, eh?" He joked and stepped between her and the door, hiding something behind his back. "You know, I'm sorry, about what I did to Rodney and Teyla and Ford and all them. I was just getting payback for ye sending me for coffee in my skivvies then locking me out and stealing my clothes. You can understand why I'd be a bit bitter over that, right?" He gave her a lopsided grin that she half returned. "No hard feelings?"

"No hard feelings." At that proclamation Sheppard perked up, grinning like his old self.

"Great!" He gave a hard pat on the back as they walked to the door. "It's not like you didn't know what I was doing in the first place. I shoulda known you'd be to smart for an ol' soldier boy like me."

"Indeed…Oh John. You couldn't do me a favour, could you?" She smiled sweetly, batting her eyes at him and handing him an empty cup. "You couldn't get me a cup of coffee. You know how I like it. Two sugars, no milk?" John nodded and took the cup off her.

"As long as I can keep my pants on, sure. I like my coffee sweet too." He watched her walk out ahead of him with a satisfied smirk. On her back, on a large yellow post-it, were the words 'Kick me'. "Just like my Revenge." Whistling 'I feel like Chicken Tonight' Sheppard walked towards the canteen twirling the mug of coffee.

_**IOIOIO**_

General O' Neill picked up the report he had gotten from the Deadalus. It was dated nearly a month before the attack but by far the largest report he had ever seen. The envelope was about as thick as his arm and about the size of an A3 sheet.

Judging by the bulky outlines of something against the package he knew there was something inside and opening it an audio tape and a video tape fell out.

"What the…" He picked up the Audio tape first and slipped it into his stereo. Seconds later a knock on the door sounded and he reached across to turn off the tape as Carter walked in.

"Carter…" He began but was cut off by the tape.

_Damn, this is gonna be a great night…hey! My lisp is gone, the swelling must be going down_

"Is that…" Sam began, staring at the offending stereo in shock and disbelief.

"I think it is…"

The lights are on, but you're not home.

your mind, is not your own.

"…Is he.."

"I think he is…"

Your palm sweats, your body shakes.

another kiss, is what it takes.

"…Oh…my…god…what the HELL goes on over there?" Jack switched off the stereo.

"What's on the video tape?" Sam asked fearfully, eyeing it with suspicion.

"…I don't know…and some how…I don't think I want to know. After listening to Mister Lemons singing in the shower I wouldn't be surprised if it was a tape of Major Sheppard singing Barney songs in the buff." Jack tossed the tape in the bin and looked back to Carter. It took only a few moments for their eyes to slide back over to the tape.

"There was a rumour…" Sam said, leaving it hanging.

"Major…there's no way it's that, forget about it."

"Alright Sir, if it is, you bring me out to O' Malleys this evening. If it's not, I'll go fishing with you." Jack looked over at the tape.

"There's no way it could be."

Needless to say Jack was permanently scarred and they went to O' Malleys that night.

Fin

_**IOIOIO**_

A/N: Okay, there is a reason why this took so long to post. First, I was in Dublin for three weeks without a copy of this and when I came back I found my room stripped bare and slowly being turned from my nice, cosy, customised sleeping area into an Argos show room. The bedroom is where my computer is kept so I went on the hunt for it, found it in my Nan's house and had to drag it all the way back here. Then the internet wouldn't work and when I finally got the computer on and net working...my secondary hard-drive was missing due to my brother and that's where the epilogue was. But now all is right with the world, even if my bedroom looks like an Argos showroom. It's so...green...and pine! But that's beside the point. Well, what a trip eh? It started off with a game of truth or dare and ended up...very odd indeed. I don't think there is an possible way to have a sequel to this and I really don't have the energy for it so this is the end I'm afraid. I've got a bunch of fics in the works so look out for them. Oh and before I forget, just because this is the last chapter doesn't mean you don't have to review : ) lol. I'm just a terrible review whore. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much asI enjoyed writing thisand now, time to make this official... Complete


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